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How to forgive?

PostPosted: Mon Dec 14, 2015 4:24 pm
by lovegirl
Hello everyone,

I have been dating this guy for the last 3.5 years. We live in Europe and have plans for building a future together. We are currently in the same school doing our masters together, we live together. Recently something has happened and I dont know what to do about it. And would love any constructive advice on what I should do.

The thing is that recently his very good friend from college had passed away. This friend who passed away was the roommate of his ex girlfriend. And so naturally when he went for the funeral he bumped into his ex girlfriend who he hadn’t seen for ages. After he came back home from the funeral he was a bit depressed and he told me that his ex girlfriend was devastated and that he doesn’t want to hate her but rather be there for her in this difficult time. Understandably, I encouraged him to be there for her, because she must be going through a very difficult time. But a few days ago I seen the texts that they have been sending each other. Extremely inappropriate to say the least.

One of the texts he sent her on the next day after the funeral was “I still love you. And it was so good seeing you, hugging you, it felt like the old times. Then I thought of how it is morally not correct to have these feelings and about our commitments to other people. i would love to hear your voice now..”.. They’ve been texting each other everyday since and somewhere in the conversation she asked him, “do you still have my naked pictures or did you delete them?”. To which he replied, “I still have them.” And he sent her a naked picture he took of her when they were together.

Reading this crushed me completely. I confronted him about these messages and he said that he was extremely sorry and that he wasn’t himself since the death of his friend and that what he did was completely irrational and that it meant nothing to him. He wept for days begging me not to leave him and said that he is ready to do whatever it takes for him to forgive me. He even threatened to kill himself if I leave him. He said that it was a very emotionally overwhelming period and that he has no rational explanation as to why he did that.

I trust that he loves me deeply but why has he done this? I decided to forgive him but this is something that is really bothering me. As you know I am in his country and have to make so much of an effort to live here as they dont speak english and it’s been very difficult for me to live here as I feel completely isolated but I convinced myself that it doesn’t matter because I have found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and love is this only thing that matters. But this happened and now things are very strange between us. i’m not able to forget it. Can someone please tell me what to do? How do I forgive and forget? Thank you so much.

Re: How to forgive?

PostPosted: Mon Dec 14, 2015 5:38 pm
by snail
That is a hard one. I can certainly believe that the death of his close friend caused him great turmoil and caused him to perhaps act irrationally (I assume you are both quite young, at an age where you really don't expect any of your friends to die) and I can also see that it would bring him and her closer together. But it's clear there were some unresolved emotions there anyway - he talks about hating her (implying that is how he has felt since they split). And the naked pictures must be at least 4 years old... he's had plenty of time to delete them. When she asked, it wasn't as though he was unsure and had to check - he straightaway knew he still had them, so it wasn't that he had forgotten. He also knew exactly where to find them.

I think you are the only one who really knows what you should do - what is your gut (not your heart and not your head but your gut) telling you about this?

Re: How to forgive?

PostPosted: Mon Dec 14, 2015 6:03 pm
by lovegirl
Snail, Thank you so much for your lovely and sensitive response. To be honest I'm conflicted about what I should do. I really love him and I know that he does too despite what he has done. We have so many plans together and in so many ways he fits me like a glove and if I do decide to leave him it would be extremely difficult as we study in the same university and would see each other everyday. And in a way we've found a balanced financial equilibrium, I wouldn't be able to afford renting a place and living expenses on my own and even though these seem like trivial things, they count as well. In a way I feel trapped within the practicality of this situation.

I want to be able to forgive him, because he seems genuinely remorseful about his actions. But I also feel so hurt by what he has done and can't get over it. I dont want him to be forced to stay with me, that's why I told him that if he still has feelings for her he should be with her, but doing stuff behind my back is being absolutely reckless with my emotions. To which he said that he doesn't want to be with her anymore and has no feeling for her, he said that they had their chance together and knows that it won't work. And right now Im the only one he wants to build a future with. I dont know what to make of all this. What would you do if you were in my situation?

Re: How to forgive?

PostPosted: Mon Dec 14, 2015 8:12 pm
by snail
I just don't know what I would do - it would be very hard to get over that text he sent where he said he still loved her. But if everything else were perfect, he had now cut all contact with her, and he was genuinely all over the place after the death, I would probably continue with the relationship for now, but defer making any big decisions (such as financial commitments, marriage, babies) for at least six months or a year while I thought about it and we worked through it. You aren't going to actually forget about it though - probably not for years if ever, so it's unrealistic to ask that of yourself.

Suppose that you didn't have any practical ties to him - say you found out tomorrow that you had inherited a lot of money, so that wasn't an issue, and you also found out that you were for some reason not going to ever study at the same university campus again, so you could leave the relationship any time you wanted without a problem or having to see him again. In that case, would you definitely want to stay?

Re: How to forgive?

PostPosted: Mon Dec 14, 2015 10:22 pm
by Strawberry shortcake
Oh dear this is a tricky one but it is extremely common for emotions to run high at funerals, weddings etc. My friend's relationship ended because his girlfriend saw her ex-husband and then suddenly admitted she still had feelings for him as they were consoling each other. Also a friends divorced parents got back together after her wedding!! But I tell you in both cases the relationships never lasted in fact they dissolved so quickly and they just went back to their old lives. Just goes to show that emotional times especially funerals, weddings etc of someone close can take you back to the past and it's easy to seek comfort from someone who is involved in the situation. So I don't think anything will ever happen between them but can you forgive him for the texts. I admit I would be absolutely crushed. I may even need to have a break from them because I know it would take a long time for me forgive something like that. Until you realise you cannot or do not want to live without him and you truly are ready to forgive him then maybe your relationship could move forward. Do not stay because you feel trapped or are in a different country. Shame you couldn't go home for a while to clear your head. It will take time but ultimately you could get through this and have a future together but it's not going to be rosy overnight. At least he is remorseful. Good luck.

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Re: How to forgive?

PostPosted: Tue Dec 15, 2015 11:01 pm
by David020549
I am wondering why you were reading his texts, does he read yours?. Being human we all do or say silly, strange and often really stupid things, even a single word or gesture can kill even a close relationship, UNLESS one side admits the mistake AND the other forgives and FORGETS.
The texts he sent were really stupid and he seems to have shown a good deal of remorse, you say you still love him so forgive and forget, forget means never mentioning it again not even in your angriest moments. He will respect and love you all the more, you will both make mistakes the perfect man ( or woman ) does not exist, we all get along with an imperfect partner or stay single.