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am I being unfair?

PostPosted: Wed Jan 06, 2016 4:49 pm
by neuroscope
Hi Guys, 55 yr old male, married for 30 yrs. there has been ups and downs ,as per all marriages, I love my wife and do not ever want to cheat on her, I am now for the last few years a full time carer for her, she now has cognitive issues and as such spends most days and nights sleeping or watching TV, conversation is very one sided and limited, But yes you guessed it I am lonely,not for sex, though a hug would be nice now and again, I just really miss talking to people but women in particular, since I was small my best friends have always been girls, in fact when I met my wife I was BFF with two girls who my wife knew and liked, I prefer women's company. as I never have done all that macho garbage,(even though I am physically very macho, I enjoy having female friends, and yes I enjoy flirting :o
I have been toying with joining a chat site, purely for friends and conversation, yet I cannot explain to the wife my needs as she cannot comprehend at the minute or is ever likely too, yet I never want to hurt her, I am just lonely, friends and family disappear quickly when people are really ill.

Re: am I being unfair?

PostPosted: Wed Jan 06, 2016 10:06 pm
by David020549
My sympathy, caring for a loved one can be a very lonely existence and I can well understand it getting on top of anyone, yet it is going to happen to many of us. If roles were reversed what would you want your carer to have some respite, a break from the daily grind, my guess is you would and another interest once a week for your carer would seem reasonable.

Doing the right thing and being seen to do the right thing is important, not least to your respective families, association with exclusively female acquaintances will be commented on, so you should choose mixed company. Maybe a charity, where regular fund raising would give you ample opportunity for chat, if it was associated with your wife's condition all the better. That would make it all the easier to gently broach the subject with your wife, and you might even find a regular "sitter" for your wife.

That is just an idea that would fit your circumstances, there are lots of other activities you might prefer and I do think you should do something.

Re: am I being unfair?

PostPosted: Thu Jan 07, 2016 2:20 pm
by Mrconfused74
I know exactly where you're coming from, in having mostly female friends through your life. I was pretty much the same, till I met my last partner, and I pretty much lost all contact from them, and if I did make a female friend even just to say hi too, then I'd be questioned as to my motives behind it.
It's possible to be lonely even in a relationship and if your intentions are purely to chat to females then I'm sure that's fine, you're not cheating on your wife, in fact it may even make things easier for you to deal with at home, it's true you could go out to a charity or volounteer place, and meet people of both sexes, but I'm sensing that's not what your looking for. Chat sites can be good, I've found one where I can be myself without fear of being judged, no face to face chat if you don't want, but it's a release from the everyday life.
Yes we all flirt in some form in our out of a relationship, does it hurt? Only if it goes to the next level, and I'm guessing that's not what you want, as you are true to your wife. Doesn't mean you should be miserable for the rest of your life. Join a site, keep the chat normal, and you won't be cheating on your wife. Is it wrong to hide it from her? Not really, it's your time, your not doing anything that you might be doing at work, or in a supermarket if you started talking to a woman. You need it or you may start to resent her. But be honest with yourself, is it just chat? Maybe a bit of flirting? Or do you want more?