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Is this unusual?

PostPosted: Wed Jan 20, 2016 9:28 pm
by SamMos76
I've been married for 10 years, 7 years ago things weren't going well and I started texting an old female friend, anyway I was alone one night, and sent a couple Of flirty type texts to her, she never replied, and I didn't hear from her again, but my wife saw them.

Now she did forgive me, but has never forgotten it, but now every time I talk to a lady that my wife might think is pretty she thinks something is going on. So I try not too, even if it's a mum on the school run, that I may wave too she will ask questions. Now I never cheated in real terms, and accept I upset her greatly, but I now feel it's just easier not to talk to anyone, even at work I try to avoid the younger prettier girls.

Anyway that's the background, lately sex has been rather minimal, yes I know she's tired, but I do the majority of the housework, school run and cooking etc. But she is very reluctant to do any kind of foreplay to me, oral, handjob, anything, yet expects me to go down on her, which I love by the way, but here's the thing, she will always want me to go under the covers, when we have sex, she will always want the light out. No I might had she's not had this habit before even after the texts, but in the last few months it's like she wants the sex, but it's as if she's hiding me to think of someone else. Might be in my head, but it's such a change in the normal. She also has started wearing skirts and dresses to work and in the years I've known her has probably only worn them a handful of times. So why could this be? Any help would be great.

Re: Is this unusual?

PostPosted: Fri Jan 22, 2016 7:46 am
by David020549
Hi as no one else has responded here goes:-

You wife's behavior might have nothing to do with your mistake years ago, it might be the gradual change in temperament that happens to most women. For instance the change to skirts depends on the type of skirt, if she is dressing "sexy" but being cool with you she is probably looking to attract attention elsewhere.
It may be that she is still using the text mistake to keep you on caution, deliberately being cool but is keen to stay with you. Whatever her aims are there is little you can do about it, be a loyal husband and don't get hung up on what she MIGHT be thinking.

Re: Is this unusual?

PostPosted: Wed Feb 03, 2016 3:48 pm
by Minna
Things were not going well within your relationship, so you send sexy texts to an ex, your partner finds them and you're frustrated that she still hasn't got over it ["Is this unusual?"].

What you did was nothing less than a betrayal of trust. How would you feel if you discovered that your partner felt that she needed to send sexy messages to an ex because she was unhappy living with you (i.e. her thinking that there might be the possibility of having a bit of "fun" and excitement with her ex. - which - come on - is what YOU must have half hoped would develop when you texted YOUR ex).

Not very nice, is it?

So - no. You need to keep telling her how much you love her and that you want the relationship to continue (you do, don't you??!) and that you will never do anything so daft in the future. Tell her until your voice gets hoarse.

In your original message, you detailed the effort you are making in avoiding contact with other females. Well - tough. You will have to continue with this for quite a while, I'm afraid. Its the price you must continue to pay for being an eegit.

Re: Is this unusual?

PostPosted: Wed Feb 03, 2016 9:23 pm
by SamMos76
Believe Me minna I've apologised and apologised, I've done nothing like that since, and she has said she forgave me. I'm not expecting her to forget, but how long should she hold this against me? It was 7 years ago. There have been a few instances where I could've questioned her but never did. So should I accept that every time we row or something isn't right she brings this up, whilst I accept what I did was completely wrong, it was also as a result of our relationship not being in a great place, not an excuse I know but surely a wake up sign for both of us? So whilst you accept my behaviour is wrong am I too assume that you think hers is acceptable? Should I really have to avoid all female contact in the hope that my relationship will benefit?

Re: Is this unusual?

PostPosted: Fri Feb 05, 2016 4:42 pm
by Minna
No, I agree that seven years is a long time for her to be bringing this up when you row but, from what you are saying in your last message, there seems to be a lot more going on than this.

Your relationship sounds like it needs some help. I suggest that you both go along to a relationship counsellor where you can talk with the counsellor but, more importantly, talk to each other, in a "safe" environment, to try to get to the reason(s) why there are problems between you.

OK, you may say that counselling is not for you, but the problem has been with you for years so it must be addressed, for the future happiness of both of you. You obviously yearn for your relationship to be sorted out, otherwise you would not have left a message here.

It won't be easy, but if you want to move on from the stagnant situation you find yourself in, have courage and just do it.

If it should be that she refuses to see a counsellor, then go along by yourself. Counsellors say that the situation often arises where one of a couple will refuse to go, but it is still very helpful for the relationship even if just one of the couple attend.

Good luck!

Re: Is this unusual?

PostPosted: Sat Feb 13, 2016 7:18 pm
by Leigh72
I think you're being a little harsh there Minna, yes, it was a betrayal of trust and yes, it was hurtful but after 7 years? Sorry, for this to work, your wife has to agree that it is in the past and to draw a line under it. If it keeps getting dragged up after all this time, then she clearly has a major trust problem, which the two of you need to discuss. You mentioned in your original post that her behaviour has changed recently, but you haven't mentioned whether or not you've actually asked her about it? Maybe something is going on for her that makes her uncomfortable displaying her body to you? No relationship will ever work if the two people involved can't communicate effectively, there really shouldn't be anything that can't be discussed between intimate partners. Sure, there will be some topics that will be uncomfortable, but nothing should be taboo.

Re: Is this unusual?

PostPosted: Sat Feb 13, 2016 11:07 pm
by spacegirl
Have you spoken about this? For all you know your wife moved on a long time ago re the texts and you feeling guilty about it is causing you to torture yourself with guilty feelings and an element of paranoia (imagining an ulterior motive for her wearing skirts/dresses to work because of your previous actions). How do you know she isn't dressing up just for herself, or for you? With wanting the light off suddenly and changing how she dresses it sounds like a bit of a crisis of confidence. Do you tell each other you are still attracted to each other?

There is clearly a lack of communication in the relationship and sounds like you both need to have a good talk to clear the air. If she still does hold a grievance you need to make her confident that she is the only woman for you and that you love her and want things to work. At the risk of sounding like a 90's romance with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan you need to fight for her and remind her that you still love her, because it sounds like things are slipping. Of course there will be more to the story but reading between the lines of your post that's how it seems to me. Good luck and keep us posted xxx

Re: Is this unusual?

PostPosted: Sat Feb 13, 2016 11:10 pm
by spacegirl
Ps I must add that if your wife is still holding a grudge this to me is unfair, it was a silly thing to do and you said you're sorry so if there are still issues then it must be something else

Re: Is this unusual?

PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2016 9:58 am
by SamMos76
So I'm back, things have been OK recently, then we had a row, and again the incident was raised again, I did say to her that I know she'll never forget but she had forgiven me. She said ' how can I forgive you' so she hasn't forgiven me, so it's been hanging over us all this time. Anyway she was away for work, and stupidly I checked on an app to find out where she was. I text her and she said it was late and she was in bed, but I know she wasn't as when I checked it later the position had moved to a few streets away. Now I know on one street there is a bar. And the hotel was at a second location. So did she just say it to keep me happy, as I don't think she knows I can see where she is. There was a group of them but I have no idea who she was with. If I tell her I checked the app she will go mental and accuse me of not trusting her! But maybe I have reason too. Or did she just want to have a night out and enjoy herself which I understand. But why the deceit?