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Marriage breakdown advice

PostPosted: Sat Feb 13, 2016 1:30 pm
by jags
I am looking for some advice as I am feeling extremely isolated and have not got friends or family I can talk to discuss this. I have finally come to the conclusion that I have to get out of this marriage lie everyone my story is quite long I will be as brief as possible. I would really appreciate it if you could read it and let me now if what I am feelings are justified. I will be as honest as I can be and as such there are mistakes on both sides.

I am 43 and got married in 21 years, I have 2 lovely kids, 20 and 17, I am currently looking to rent a place living in spare room of my house. My history: I have always suffered from social anxiety and have a limp which is why I feel so anxious. I did not have a supportive family structure and it was drilled into me that I was not normal and as good as others. I had no experience of women prior to getting married. Also I had no job or qualifications when I got married. I got married (arranged married) at 22. Instantly my wife was extremely controlling and disapproved of me talking to women or watching films as I would just be perving over women. I was told not to talk to any other women when going out with her. I gave into all demands as I was afraid of being alone as I always felt that she married beneath her and would not find another person. This continued for years, I bent over backwards for he giving into all her demands and tolerating her vicious temper which to be honest scared me. I did not go out with my friends and broke all contacts with them. I started working and studying part time (day release). A few years into the marriage my wife found porn magazines in the bedroom which I had hidden. She went absolutely mad at me and said that must be all I do after that point she had it in her head that all do is look at women and watch porn. I honestly was working extremely hard to create a future for my kids and to become a good role model for my kids. I suffered this for years. During those years we had a joint account which she was taking lots of money out of for personal luxuries as I was paying all bills I cancelled the joint account and created a single account. About 10 years into the marriage my wife had an affair after accusing me of doing it. She told me and wanted to leave with this person. I never found out who he was, still don’t know. This for me was devastating me, however I decided to ask her to stay with me. As our kids were small I felt I should try and keep the marriage going. I never told kids about it, shortly after the affair she said she had a loan of 11,000 pounds which I decided to pay, then I found out she had sold the gold which was given to her by her parents to these companies that give you a fraction of the cost. I accepted all of that and continued with the marriage, however her attitude had not changed she was still accusing me of having an affair or/and being a pevert. About 2 years ago I went to therapy for my anxiety, it helped me loads. However as a consequence it also showed me how bad I was getting treated. In a spell where we were not talking to each other my wife spied on my phone where she found porn and worse of all facebook pictures of her niece (27 age), She got really angry and I apologised and said I would never look at FB pictures of her family again. Which I honoured, I was not so apologetic about the porn as all men look at it from time to time. I was embarrassed but felt she did far worse, I was very sorry about the FB picture and still am. I took a torrent of abuse from her for a year about this. Last week she looked on my phone again and found porn which I had looked at 6 weeks ago. She also disapproved of me communicating with male colleagues (closest I have to friends) at work via watsup. She compares finding porn. She demands sex every day and if I do not give it, it is evidence I am looking at porn. I have had enough and looking to get out.

Re: Marriage breakdown advice

PostPosted: Sat Feb 13, 2016 5:31 pm
by Mrconfused74
By allowing to let her behaviour continue she has accepted it as normal, as I read I was expecting you to say she wasn't having sex with you! Hence the porn and the niece, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Yes we all look at porn, but she obviously doesn't like at as i suspect a lot of women wouldn't, but your problem was making it so easy to find? Mags in the bedroom?? If you want to look at it then be more careful. But I would say you need to get out! You've put up with much more than many guys would, some may well have cheated too, if only as revenge. Tell her you're going, but make sure you have somewhere to go first.

Re: Marriage breakdown advice

PostPosted: Sat Feb 13, 2016 5:43 pm
by David020549
I am surprised you did not throw the towel in years ago with treatment like you describe, you mention gold so I guess she is from a rich family and was brought up to be dominant. On the other hand you do not say she has made a move to leave you so maybe there is a family or religious taboo to divorce or maybe she is financially dependent on you and cannot contemplate being single and having to earn a living.

As the kids are largely independant it is only her that will need supporting and then according to your income and reasonable needs, but expect her to keep half your joint assets. As you are young at 43 there is every chance to build a new life, there will be short term pain but it will be well worth it, being happy and leading a stress free life will be a new experience.

In most breakup situations it is worth trying for a reconciliation, however you describe her as so dominant that I can't imagine her changing so rent a place of your own and move out. You never can tell what reaction there will be and your last sentence has me puzzled, her "demanding sex every day", most often in difficult marriages sex stops, here, her dominating you seems to turn her on!.

Re: Marriage breakdown advice

PostPosted: Sat Feb 13, 2016 7:07 pm
by Leigh72
I would second the comments already made. It sounds as though she has been abusive and controlling from the start and this has now been normalised in her mind and is set as learned behaviour. She will not change unless she wants to, there is nothing you can do about it. If you stay, then this is the rest of your life. You're still young enough to make a fresh start and the children are old enough to be able to understand - they are more than likely aware of your wife's behaviour anyway. As your youngest is 17, you will have to provide for him/her for another year at least, but the laws have changed somewhat and the husband is no longer obliged to pay maintenance for an ex wife if there are no dependent children. Therefore, you'll be looking at splitting whatever assets you may have and that should be all.

The bottom line is - SHE WILL NOT CHANGE, is that what you want for the rest of your life? Especially now that you've taken the steps to get yourself into therapy and can now see that your relationship is toxic and it shouldn't be like that. If you don't get out, then I can almost guarantee that in ten years time, you'll be full of bitterness and resentment as it would then be much harder to get out and start again.

Re: Marriage breakdown advice

PostPosted: Tue Feb 16, 2016 4:43 pm
by jags
Thank you all ever so much for taking the time reading about my problems and offering advice. It really means a lot to me. Sorry about the delay in replying and tbh I was waiti g for email to say my first post was authorised. I left the house as my wife started to argue with me. I did leave without anywhere else to go so am stuck in hotel looking at flats to rent. The sex did not stop in the marriage however I got the feeling she was treating it more as a test, it took on a new form. It should be fun and relaxing not a test of something. I went to relate by myself and they said that it was emotional abuse. I honestly think that my wife has an undiagnosed mental illness. I have asked in the past to try therapy as I found her mistrust of people worrying. She mistrusts most people but especially me. She comes from a family where most of the men are horrible. With the exception of her father all the men are people that have not been faithfull. I have bee researching a disorder that I think my wife has paranoid personality disorder. I am not saying what I did was not bad, its horrible the fact I had her nieces picture on my phone and I feel really bad. But I promise I never looked at it again. I am not so ashame of the porn anymore as I think most men look at it occasionally. My wife has been horrible, its been really a one sided marriage. But I still find it hard to think about the pain she must be in.