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Separated from my wife who is now sleeping with someone else

PostPosted: Fri Feb 26, 2016 12:50 am
by M1974
Hello Forum,

I need some advice. November last year my wife and i separated. I moved out and we continued to be friends at first. We have 2 children so she kept the house and i moved to a rental place up the road. After a month or 2 we had not had any discussions about what we were doing and she simply wouldn't talk to me. I lost my temper and got very mean on emails and txt and that did push her away. I have since apologised for that behaviour but I know i hurt her.
A month later she went out with friends and met a guy. She is now sleeping with him every other weekend when i have the children. She is still wearing her wedding ring and tells me the marriage is not over but she needs space and time. She wants to be my friend and says that she does see a future with me in it. However if i ask her to stop seeing this guy, then I'm pushing her into doing something she doesnt want to. The issue with our marriage was she felt controlled by me.
She tells me that this guy is wrong on so many levels, I'm not to worry about him, she doesnt love him, but she likes him and he is nice. She said she just wants it to fade out. She isn't telling me I have to wait, or that i can't see anyone else. She says that were separated so that isn't doing anything wrong. She enjoys her independent life with work, the kids her friends, and I guess this guy.

I told her I want to go to counselling and I want to sort out what happened. When we talk about what we both want, its the same things. We don't want anything different. But she said, right now in her life she wants to be friends with me and as enjoying me seeing the kids. Also wants to see the lasting changes in the way I treated her when we separated. I read her Facebook messages and mobile phone. Invasion of privacy i know. I was very tormented and have issues with trusting her after she admitting to kissing a work colleague a few years ago. We never really sorted this out. However I am seeing a therapist now and making great strides in dealing with my own life.

I desperately want to get out marriage back on track, and get my children back in my life full time as a family. She isn't saying we never will. She is saying that right now its not what she wants. If I ask her to stop with the other guy I'm controlling her and pushes her further away as I have done this.

Any ideas? I want to wait, I want us to sort this out but how long can this continue with the other guy before its all just too late?

Re: Separated from my wife who is now sleeping with someone

PostPosted: Fri Feb 26, 2016 10:24 am
by Mrconfused74
So she has a loving father to her kids, who perhaps has seen that the way he was behaving was perhaps pushing her away. And she has the affection and sex from a guy that is nice? But not right for her? Of course she just wants to see what happens. But what about what you want? If she really wanted the marriage to work she would've used the time apart to think about how that would work. Perhaps you could've dated again, don't things with the kids, all the things parents and couples should do. Instead she finds someone else.

No you wouldn't be out of order to ask her to stop, you are separated not divorced, so as a result she has broken the vows she made to you, and has commited adultry. As for invasion of privacy, she kissed a guy so it's obvious you will have trust issues. I think you have every right to your wife to stop seeing this guy, if we can't then it's more than just sex. And if she does do you feel that you could forgive this? And do you think it'll help your trust issues? Without details of why she felt you were controlling there isn't much to say, but apart from the snooping you don't appear to have done anything wrong that anyone in your position wouldn't, she was the one that cheated, an is still doing.

Re: Separated from my wife who is now sleeping with someone

PostPosted: Fri Feb 26, 2016 2:34 pm
by Leigh72
Sorry, Mrconfused, don't agree, here's why - if you're seperated, then she has every right to do as she wishes, including seeing other people and I'm sorry, OP, it's none of your business. I work in and around domestic abuse/problem relationships and I see this time and time again.

If the reason for your marriage failing was your controlling behaviour, then you have to sort that out first. That will take a lot of time and a lot of patience on your part and you must demonstrate that you are consistent in your new behaviours, before your wife will be able to trust you again. That means absolutely not checking her texts, facebook etc. It means accepting the current situation and believing her when she says that it is not permanent and she sees a future for you both. You cannot demand that she stops seeing this other guy, despite how hurtful that is, as that is controlling behaviour in itself. Whether or not she is technically committing adultery or not, is up to you and your conscience to decide. What you can do, without being controlling, is ask her what is going on with this other guy and explain that it's hurtful to you for her to continue seeing him. But you must not display anger, jealousy or make any demands on her. It is perfectly normal to feel angry, jealous etc and i'm not saying that you shouldn't, but you need to be mindful of how you present those emotions.

Do not issue any ultimatums, do not text or email in anything other than a friendly, respectful manner and use this time to explore your own feelings, work out what you want and then, if appropriate, present that to her. If she is being honest with you, then you shouldn't have anything to worry about in the long term. If you have feelings of jealousy around her previous incident, then you need to get that under control as well. That means, you either forget about your marriage and try to move on, or you draw a line under it and NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN.

All too often, I see couples who cannot leave the past alone and it is hugely destructive.

Re: Separated from my wife who is now sleeping with someone

PostPosted: Fri Feb 26, 2016 2:47 pm
by Mrconfused74
I'm sorry but how can you say it's fine for her to sleep with another guy when they are still married??? Whether they are separated or not, it's giving her a ticket to separate and sleep with anyone when she feels like it. He also didn't say he was controlling but that his wife said she felt controlled! And without further information you can only assume he was. She cheated on him, and it's affected his trust, she's now sleeping with another guy whilst still saying they have a future together, she's having her cake and eating it. There's no mention of her infidelity it's all about him and what his issues are? What about her actions that have perhaps made him controlling and paranoid. If she didn't do it then perhaps things would be different. Cheating of any kind will affect people in different ways, what she's doing disrespects her husband and her wedding vows. The OP may be partly to blame but not totally.

Re: Separated from my wife who is now sleeping with someone

PostPosted: Fri Feb 26, 2016 8:48 pm
by johnay
This couple have separated and its up to each of them to decide how they are going to behave. If she wants to have an affair with another man then that is totally up to her. I'm afraid that you both haven't got any agreement as to how you want to move forward. If you had both agreed to try and make your marriage work and get back together then it would be appropriate to ask your wife to finish this affair. That doesn't seem to be the case. You seem to want to change and get back with your family but at the moment your wife doesn't from how I see things. If that's the case then maybe you should kindly ask if she is serious about getting your marriage on track and if she is non committal then you need to let go. I'd guess you need to get out and start building a new personal life for yourself. Past events in both your behaviours seem to be a big issue so hopefully you will have learnt if you move forward on your own. Remember it's not okay to invade anyone's privacy regarding phones etc. Or to be too controlling. Overbearing behaviour is what breaks relationships as does a lot of jealousy.
Having said that it strikes me that your wife just wants some freedom and fun at the moment and she doesn't want any fun with you. She is hedging her bets with you and stringing you along while she makes her mind up as to what she really wants. I don't know if you are happy to bide your time in the hope that she comes running back to you but I doubt that I would ... Maybe it's time to move on yourself..

Re: Separated from my wife who is now sleeping with someone

PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2016 5:00 pm
by Tarantula
Ethics are not dictated by legal status but by the nature of communication between parties. If they are separated and the relationship is understood to be over, then they can both be with other people if they want. Divorce is often a lengthy procedure - some take years, so then what? Both people who have broken up, are still morally obliged to not see anyone else, because.........? I'm with a guy who is legally still married, but that's the extent of their relationship - that document, that's it. For all intents and purposes they have no relationship, and the divorce is underway.

But the point here is, the communication is NOT clear between parties that the relationship is OVER. She's playing with her options whilst getting balled by another man, and OP is sat here wondering if there's still a chance?!?!

OP, it's over. She's sleeping with another guy. Your marriage is so done, you could stick a fork in it and call it pie.

It is totally unfair for her to be leading you on in this way, saying there's 'still a chance'. When she's in the act with the other guy, do you think she's thinking 'hmmm, I really must work on my marriage'?! No! She is indeed 'having her cake and eating it', as somebody else said.

Whether or not you were controlling in your relationship is another issue, and something you need to address going forward in your singledom. But don't waste time thinking there's any point in keeping this thing going. Thing? There isn't a thing. She's sleeping with another man. Game over. Don't be a mug who sits around waiting for her to make a clear decision. You tell her that YOU'VE decided you can't live like this anymore, and want to move on and file for divorce. Then make arrangements regarding your children etc.

If you couldn't get over a cheating kiss a few years ago (and I wouldn't be able to, either), then what makes you think you can get over that she's now having sex with someone else? It will play on your mind, and forever dirty the waters even if she did feel like chucking you some crumbs of a relationship possibility in future. She's not cheating now, assuming she told you she was gonna date other guys so that you were both clear on the situation in advance (wait, did she do that? Or did she just go out and get laid without you even knowing that the exclusivity deal was off?), but it will always be on your mind and effectively the relationship can only ever be a ghost of what it perhaps once was... if you were controlling, then I bet a lot of that had to do with her previous mistake.

So yeah, you gotta start the process of moving on from her, life is too short for this rubbish.

Then, you need to be honest with yourself about what your contribution was to your relationship's failure, and work on yourself so that you don't bring those same issues into the next relationship. You also need to focus on being a brilliant father, and not letting the situation with your wife disrupt them emotionally.

Re: Separated from my wife who is now sleeping with someone

PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2016 5:27 pm
by johnay
Hey Tarantula I couldn't agree more. Your advice and comments seem positive, honest and spot on

Re: Separated from my wife who is now sleeping with someone

PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2016 9:32 pm
by David020549
M1974 It's over mate, it will never be the same again, there is no need for long explanations having a quick fling and regretting it is one thing, chucking you out then wanting to keep her options open in case he dumps her is another.
Because of the kids you will need to still see her so tell her it's over as nicely as you can, then move on!!.

Re: Separated from my wife who is now sleeping with someone

PostPosted: Tue Mar 15, 2016 1:13 am
by Akidma
I have been there, so understand what you are suffering.
Firstly forget about Facebook, Texting and any other similar systems. Be a proper person. Learn to like yourself. Look in the mirror and tell yourself what you are worth. Keep up your relationship with your children. Don't pacify them just to please Mum, treat them exactly like you did when the marriage was stable. Do not adjust the way you treat the kids just to please their Mother. When you do have cause to see your Wife, do not ask her ANYTHING about her private life. Nothing. I MEAN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. None of what she is doing can be changed, altered or affected by you and the less you know about it, the better things will be for you. Also, don't tell her what you are doing when she isn't with you, stay rather aloof; give her something to guess about, and do not be predictable.
Join a club or something where your interests can be diverted away from what she is up to. Build up your own social life.
Then when in the company of your wife, be charming, but someone who now has a new life of which she knows nothing about. If she does want you back this enigma she is now facing should ''eat away'' at her until she acts upon her intuitions. You may be amazed at the responses you will start to get from her.
You must not tell the kids anything either.
If you do get back with her, then you must bury what you know about any relationships she has had during the split, otherwise it will not work. You both owe it to the children to get back together.
I wish you well.