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What is this?

PostPosted: Tue Mar 01, 2016 3:11 pm
by SillyMistakes
I'm about to describe possibly the weirdest situation I have ever experienced, or possibly even heard of.

I started working in the canteen of a large company a few years ago, I'd used to work as a trolley-dolly, and I'd seen this guy in the canteen who was hot (not really important at the moment, but just to show length of crush, really) anyway, when I started working at the canteen I met this guy, and found out he too was gay, I got excited, and a bit stupid. I started hanging out with him, I threw myself at him in less-than-obvious-but-only-slightly ways, I made no secrets about the fact I found him attractive. Over the years I discovered similarities: we liked the same music, we liked to drink heavily, we dismayed at the majority of gay people's actions, we both enjoyed getting stoned, I found him hilarious, he did the stupidest things and I'd be in tears with laughter, I also discovered things about him that interested me, but only cos it was him: he's a furry, he's a manic depressive, he's paranoid, he's a schizophrenic, he's obsessive compulsive, he has ISSUES. I on the other hand, am nearer a slob than I care to admit, I was once diagnosed with depression but after hearing the way that some people go on about it and witnessing how anybody whose personality is slightly different seems to get dubbed with some sort of label diagnosed or no, to be absolutely frank, I think its a load of cobblers most of the time. Anyway, I wasn't getting anywhere with him, I still crushed, he had no interest in any one or any thing that involved physical human contact. Oh well; my manager wanted me to excel in the company, he thought my friendship with the guy was holding me back, as I was usually mature, responsible and ideal supervisor material (oh, I got promoted quite quickly by the way, didn't mention that) however, when the guy was on my shift, I reverted to a child... and it caused issues. I moved department, and got promoted... I 'grew up'. He didn't.

I still talked to him, still crushed on him, I was single the entire time... my longest dry spell, but I was focusing on work, soon i'd be earning the real money, I knew it.

Anyway, a month or two ago I got my big break, finance manager, yay, I invited him, along with all workmates from my old in-company workplaces to go on a night out to celebrate. He'd been on sick leave, he'd had a bad turn and was having to take new pills, and see a new psychiatrist, and wasn't allowed to work. He's not violent... not to anyone who isn't him. I feel like that's important to mention. Me and him are the last men standing, not a rare event by any stretch of the imagination. We go to his place to crack open a bottle of whiskey. Again, not a rare event. He starts crying into my shoulder and hugging me close and telling me everything that's happened to him in the past. This is unexpected. He's never touched me in the years I've been going to his place and finishing the night out in undignified fashion, (he would never come to mine, not that it bothered me - he just liked his home comforts), now he's holding me like a helpless child. He knew everything about me, but was secretive himself, and now he's telling me EVERYTHING. He kisses me. All those years crushing on him rush over me and I'm helpless, we get drunk, we talk about everything and lo and behold... we have sex (oral sex, again, important later). First time for me in 2 years, first time for him in nearing 10. It was... well frankly, it should've been disappointing. By this point we'd been drinking since 11am, it was 7am the next day, neither of us were capable, but I didn't find it disappointing, and he says he didn't, in fact I found it perfectly amazing, even with our mutual performance issues.

Next day I'm feeling guilty as hell, feeling like I took advantage, feeling like he was vulnerable, and because of my crush I really did bad. Turns out, he thinks he took advantage too, he apologizes, I apologize, and we part ways.

Now its the present, we've been meeting up more regularly, and now theres a difference, this is what happens EVERY TIME:

1stly, we meet, we're sober, small talk, drink, small talk, drink
2ndly, we get through the first bottle of whatever, and by then we've loosened up a bit, we talk about his issues, I ask how he is, he ignores me and apologizes for something (god knows what)
3rdly, and this is the weird bit... we fight. neither of us want to hurt each other, and I've never done this before, but we wrestle, we spar, we sometimes fight with wooden katanas he owns, sometimes we use his BB guns to see who can out-draw the other, yes its stupid, yes its immature, but that's how I feel around him. sometimes we even just practise something: the other day we were testing out our abilities to roundhouse kick... I still have the bruise.
4thly we cuddle, we kiss, and I get filled with some kind of euphoria. Usually we're well into bottle number 2 by now (i'm talking spirits, 70cl bottles, yes, we're both heavy drinkers)
Lastly, Usually by this point in time we've finished bottle number two and hammered a decent part out of bottle number 3, and we suck each other off. We're always too hissed for it to be easily maintained, but we usually manage eventually, and then he fall asleep, and I spend all night holding him, wide awake, kissing him as he sleeps, so soundly.

If theres anything missing its anal sex. God I miss anal sex. And I so want to give myself too him, but he's not usually into it.BUT He mentioned a furry-crush he had, and I asked what he'd do if I turned up in a fur suit like that, and he said "I would destroy you... your ass would be... oh god, that's so hot." quote. I'm genuinely considering buying the fur suit (about £400) just so I can feel that much closer to him. I don't want anyone else to do it, but it'd be amazing to have that level of intimacy with him, and the fact he thinks 'he would destroy me', well I'm not going to lie, the thought of the extra-energetic intimacy with him just makes it more appealing. Frankly, I think I love him... I mean our 'dates' are not like I would ever think of 'dates', what we do together ticks the boxes of unhealthy relationship ten fold. I mean theres something weird about two grown men drunkenly beating the jelly out of each other with wooden swords then having sex. its weird, and I don't understand why we keep doing it. But god I love his smell, god I love his taste, god I love his feel, god I love to watch him sleep so peacefully in my arms, and I walk away from these bizarre date nights in a sense of euphoria. Finally, and the weirdest thing for me, is that I never get hungover. The other night we went through 2 bottles of vodka, 1 of whiskey, 1 of disaronno, we should've been dead the next day, and we were SMASHED on the night. But the next morning, after spending all night awake, just holding him, I left his place feeling mildly tired, but not hungover, and not still drunk. that's what happens; I don't understand it. If I drank that amount at mine, or on a night out, I would be out of commission the next day, without a doubt, I leave his and I feel... amazing. as If whatever feeling he inspires in me overrides my bodily functions, I mean that's weird isn't it? that's gotta be weird?

okay, huge rant over, now my question is relatively simple:

What IS this?

But the reasons I'm asking it are thus (the upwards paragraphs summarized)

Why do we keep fighting? that's weird isn't it?
Why don't I ever get a hangover JUST when drinking with him.
On paper, it seems awful... so why am I so goddamn happy with him?

Lastly, a problem only recently discovered. So our last 'date night', we had our fight, we had our cuddles, we had our sex, we even got close to anal, but not quite... then we're back to cuddling, usually he just dozes off, this time he says "I've not been taking my pills" and I said "What?" and he said "My pills, the ones that make me normal, I've not been taking them." and I said "for how long?" and he said "since the first time we did this." Well, I'm not dumb... I say "Whats normal? How you used to be?" (i.e. NO TOUCHING etc) and he said "yeah" and I said "would we ever have done this if you were on the pills?" and he said "No... the pills make me normal. Booze makes me nice." and I said "ah..." and, rather selfishly: "If you took the pills now, do you think we would carry on?" and he said "I don't know, but I don't think so. I love you, I don't want to take them, I don't want to lose this... but my psychiatrist says I need to take more pills, I think he knows I've not been taking them."

SO now, to add to everything, I find out that 'normal' him isn't interested, and only when he's not taking the pills prescribed to him to subdue his issues is he in love with me in a way I can appreciate (I don't know if he'll stop loving me, or just stop talking to me about personal things, stop hugging me... stop touching me all together...).

Why do I feel like a helpless teenager just discovering that life isn't paved in gold and sex?

Re: What is this?

PostPosted: Tue Mar 01, 2016 6:34 pm
by johnay
Hey the older we get often the more complicated everything can be. It's easy as well to try and read so much into what is going on when we meet someone newish or we get off with someone we've fancied a lot for a long time. It sounds obvious that you both really have the hots for each other and that you are enjoying this after a long dry spell. It must also be really great since you have fancied him for so long.
Two things to say though....a lot of your dates have involved consuming dangerous amounts of booze in my opinion and I'm not saying that because I am prissy or tee total quite the opposite.. You really don't know how your interactions would go if you weren't drinking so much. I'd say you really both need to see how it goes on a sober date don't you.
Secondly ID guess you wake up feeling sober because of all the adrenaline you are pumping into your body what with the anticipation, the physicality before the sex and then the final getting off after such a long session.
You mention the anal but you probably know that many gay men don't do it much at all and others save it only for a committed relationship.. It's something to look forward to I'd guess if you continue to develop your relationship.
As for the medication and problems he has I just can't advise as I have little or no experience in that area. I'd guess though that he stops his medication so that he truly FEELS. A lot of that type of medication just completely dulls everything, emotions and sex etc. It's maybe what he needs to do to get off and I'd guess he really wants that too. But he has real needs and issues and I think you know that a relationship will take a lot of effort I'd guess. Good luck.

Re: What is this?

PostPosted: Wed Mar 02, 2016 12:54 am
by SillyMistakes
Yeah, I will confess, I am aware of the need for a sober date... or at least one which isn't excessive, but at the same time... I know this sounds terrible, but I'm genuinely concerned if we have a sober date then we'll talk (as we always have), but never get the same physical intimacy (i.e. even just cuddling). Then I have to deal with the knowledge that he'd only hug or kiss or cuddle me when he's hissed, which, as confused as I am by the current makeup of our "dates" is a far more concerning prospect... I've felt so happy going on these "dates" even with the confusion of why they go the way they do, I don't want to give them up just yet, even if there is a chance that when sober he wont touch me...

Re: What is this?

PostPosted: Wed Mar 02, 2016 11:42 am
by johnay
I totally get what you mean about being scared that things won't go well if your date is a sober one. You are getting so much fun with him at the moment and when you haven't had any physical contact for a while it just makes it more intense too. Us men do long for and need close physical contact, kissing, touching as well as the sex. Many of us are very tactile and emotional even if it's not that obvious or talked about much.. I'm guessing he is a very fanciable and maybe you are feeling you are getting your cake and eating it but reality does set in.. Casual sex with booze is so easy but a relationship is different.. Somewhere along the way you will have to face it that you will have to do the sober shag....
Its very easy to get into the habit of always drinking before having sex and I know because I am like that. It just makes it easier for us guys to put on a better performance and to feel less inhibited.. But if we are not careful we can drink that little too much and that can really take the edge off our orgasms.. And then when we don't drink it can just be over soooo quickly even at my age lol... But a good sexual relationship is one where you have good communication and learn from each other and develop as you go along. I only wish I had that. Somewhere along the line though you have to take that gamble, you both do.. You have to face up to the fact that it isn't healthy to only connect in this way even though it feels tremendous at the time.. You have to look after your body as much as your heart...

Re: What is this?

PostPosted: Wed Mar 02, 2016 12:47 pm
by SillyMistakes
yeah that's true, and I will keep it in mind - but at least for now, I want to find out what the hell we're doing before I risk losing it :L possibly that's something i'll only find out from him... but theres something I am still confused about, which you didn't mention, possibly because you don't see it as as strange as I do, possibly because you just don't know... But I genuinely don't know why we always end up fighting, its not like we want to hurt each other, and if I was a fighter (like, if I still did martial arts, as I once did many years ago) or something like that, it'd make more sense I suppose, but in "normal life" i'm not violent, energetic, I even view myself as a pacifist, and I know I act a lot differently around him, not purposely, but I do revert to a very childish person, when usually... I'm just not. But I just cant get my head around how every time we meet we end up sparring, duelling, whatever you call it, I mean it is 'play-fighting' but its still not something I've ever been interested in... it just confuses me. And I suppose what I cant get across enough is its NOT sexual... even when drunk I'm never violent, I've even made fun of one of the guys at work for becoming violent when drunk, its just not me... so why do we do it... sorry if I'm going on a bit. But I cant express enough how confusing this is for me

Re: What is this?

PostPosted: Wed Mar 02, 2016 2:14 pm
by snail
I would guess that the fighting is a physical interaction that brings you closer but is not sexual or particularly intimate so it's an easier thing to start off with - easier than talking or cuddling or sex, which come later. I would also guess that there is a little bit of suppressed aggression there between you - you because you're confused about what's going on and unsure what he feels, him for his own reasons - and the fighting expresses that as well and gets it out of the way.

Re: What is this?

PostPosted: Wed Mar 02, 2016 2:42 pm
by johnay
Hey I've been pondering on the fighting stuff and as a gentle non aggressive guy myself I have to rather speculate...but ID guess it's very much a form of foreplay that maybe you haven't ever considered before but its something that he has. It's definitely a way that appears to turn you both on and its certainly about giving each other an excuse to touch and tease and start things off. I'm guessing it took a bit of nerve from him to kiss you for the first time and after 10 years of drought... Let's face it a good wrestle and such like can get this man turned on although it's not something I've ever done with my Mrs. I do have 4 sons though and they frequently were physical and theres an underlying dominance thing about it.. I see you said he would have liked to destroy your ass if you were dressed up in fur and that seems to say that maybe he likes a bit of rough sex or has done it in the past. How much of a top is he? Or havent you really got round to that discussion and experience still.There are however many of both sexes and sexualities who like a more physical approach shall we put it? As long as it isn't abusive and you both enjoy it then what's the problem? New experiences can both stimulate and surprise us...I'm hoping you're getting off on it lol...
But remember when you get close to another guy it is often physical in lots of ways and then add the sexual element and you can get all sorts of activities. What folks do in their bedroom often doesn't mirror their public persona and hopefully you will continue to be that caring unaggressive man. I don't know if my ramblings make any sense