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single, confused & fed up of mind games

PostPosted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 3:31 am
by sophie80
Hi all first time on here. looking for a bit of advice. Firstlyive never had a boyfriend ive just be played by them so....
Was speaking to a guy I met on tagged last yr messaged again at Christmas after a few months of not talking to me. His recent msg came through on facebook just before Christmas saying hello I was wary & asked what he wanted he said to talk, get to know me & take me out, I made it clear I wasn't sure & didn't want to be messed around he said he thought I was a nice girl, liked me & his friends thought he should be with me :/ still confused I told him ok id give him.a second chance ( im like that im too nice, probably why people take advantage of my good nature) He said he'd like to take me out for a meal I said im busy for a few weeks how about in new yr this was fine. Few weeks later at end of January we made a date & where to meet but no time. He never msged before it or after so no date happened & he's since ignored me.
Wtf was the point of all that, he contacted me, asking me out, telling me he wanted to get to know me. Why do all that waste my time just to ignore me a day before meeting & then last week I got a message on tagged saying hello.....I stupidly said hi why msg me & nothing from him since. Why??? I don't get these stupid mind games & men do it to me all the time even if I just say hi they ignore me they don't bother to get to know me & i've said nothing. I feel like I'm going to be alone for ever & die alone cos no one wants me :(

Re: single, confused & fed up of mind games

PostPosted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 10:51 am
by Tarantula
Welcome to PP.

Ok, I am sensing a lot of negativity in your post. Negativity towards men generally, and negativity towards yourself.

To answer your question of 'what is the point of all that': the guy you mentioned is not interested in you. Maybe he's got another situation going on, and when that goes wrong he messages you, or he isn't interested in a real relationship right now, or whatever. But who CARES what his deal is. The point is, if he was interested, you would know it. Like it would be clear. Anything less than that, and don't bother replying to this guy. Let him be. You want someone who is consistent and straightforward; this guy has his own stuff going on that you don't know about, and you are not a priority. So F him - politely. :)

Your writing suggests that you see yourself as a real victim. Asking a guy upfront not to 'mess around' and giving a 'second chance'... this screams EMOTIONAL RESPONSIBILITY, it tells him loud and clear that you have baggage that you want him to fix. He's just met you; he isn't ready to fix your issues for you yet. But, sure, he'll hang around if you seem up for some no-strings-attached fun.

I could write a hell of a lot about how your core beliefs about men (probably relating to your relationship with your parents) are affecting your ability to find a good relationship today, but honestly, it would be long, and deep. So, I'll just set some guidelines for you:

- No sleeping with guys who haven't shown you that they want a relationship with you. Date for a while first, meet his friends, let him meet your friends, and see how things go BEFORE you have sex. That way, you're largely insured against him disappearing afterwards and leaving you feeling even worse. Use your intuition. Deep down you know if a guy means business or not.
- Ask yourself where your core beliefs about men are coming from, and do whatever you need to do to change them. Men are not fundamentally bad or manipulative or out to get you. Sure, some are, but I sense you see them all the same, which is preventing you from meeting a good one, who would be put off by your negativity.
- Look after your own self esteem. Men can pick up on esteem issues and can tell if you don't like yourself very much. They don't see it as their job to fix that; you gotta take responsibility for your own issues and learn to see yourself as a woman of value.

Don't let me catch you saying 'no one wants me' online or off ever again!!!! Come on guuuuurl!!!! All women are beautiful in some way!!! It's nature. You have something to offer that is unique to YOU. You just gotta find that aspect and highlight it. You gotta raise your own value. How's your career? How's your body? How's your social network - do you hang out with great, supportive women with healthy attitudes towards men or do you surround yourself with people who validate your own view of things? You gotta start doing things different - get on with other aspects of your life; work out, raise your game at work, hang out with different people... shake it up a bit, y'know? Make YOU the central part of your life - commit to self-improvement and your whole energy and ideas about things will also change.

The thing is. You're not happy where you are. Where you are is a result of your BELIEFS about things. So, you need to be ready to admit that your beliefs are not helping you! You must be willing to change, if you want your results to be different.

I know this is radical. I know it probably makes you a bit annoyed that I'm not agreeing with how rubbish those men are and seem to be pointing the finger at you - it would be easier to just join in and say 'yerr I know, why can't they (men) act right, grrrr'..... but do you want to feel sympathised with or do you want something to actually be different?

As I said there is so much more I could say but I'm kind of just throwing things out here... your whole belief system where you're the victim and men are 'taking advantage' needs to change. It's holding you back. There is a man out there who will want to be with you and treat you well - but you're unlikely to meet him if you start 'laying down the law' with him from day one. You may think you're being assertive, but you're actually just showing them straightaway that you have some issues around men and dating.

Another point... don't put a date off for weeks. People have options. Probably he met someone else in the mean time. It's important to keep up momentum when you start with someone.

Re: single, confused & fed up of mind games

PostPosted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 10:56 am
by Mrconfused74
Not sure what tagged is but here's what I think. Firstly it's possible from the sound of it that this guy is in a relationship or married, and that's the reason he's being so cagey, and didn't turn up to the date. You don't say how old you are or why you've played by guys before, for this to happen you must have ha some kind of relationship? It has every guy said they want to go out with you and just not turned up. Without more information it's not easy to give an opinion as to why this may be happening. But don't give up hope just because a couple of guys have been horrible to you .

Re: single, confused & fed up of mind games

PostPosted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 11:21 am
by Domus Clamantium
Hi Sophie,

I hope I can help you - you sound very much like me 10 years ago....I got through it, therefore I'm confident that you can.

Firstly, forget about this sounds like he isn't all that interested and is just telling you what you want to hear in order to keep you in the background as some kind of backup.

With regards to yourself, you seem to be confusing "being nice" with "eager to please"...unfortunately people who are too eager to please do end up being taking advantage of - you need to learn to say no. Most people will respect you for that, and those who don't are just not worth bothering with. Instead of thinking of yourself as "nice" (which is such a horrible word) try to think of yourself as something more - Kind Hearted, respectful, interesting (everyone is interesting to somebody, but nobody is interesting to everyone)...

As for finding love, unfortunately there is no magic formula - however, if you find yourself unlovable, then you can pretty much bet that others will see you the same way. Learn to love yourself first, then you wont worry about what other people think. I've not heard of "Tagged" (must be getting old) but I'm guessing that it is some kind of dating/social media app? Whilst these are great for meeting people, you need to be careful. Many people (particularly men) are very good at promising everything and giving nothing. There are ways to tell if someone is genuine or just trying to play you - if you feel someone sounds too good to be true, the call them out on it...players soon get bored if you don''t play their game. Don't, however, automatically assume that every guy out there is trying to play you...some of us really are good guys, who will treat you with the respect you deserve.

Anyway, I'm starting to waffle a bit now, so I'll finish of with this:

What you see in the mirror is not always what others see when they look at you

Re: single, confused & fed up of mind games

PostPosted: Fri Mar 25, 2016 7:12 pm
by sophie80
Thank you for replies.
Yes tagged is a social media app meeting people etc, I've not met anyone in person off there, they guy was going to be the first one, said he messaged me cos he was involved in a car crash & almost died i said i can understand as i almost died from pneumonia last yr (i thought we were on same page, as both agreed life was too short) Hence my don't mess me around comment as my illness put me through hell & i wanted to have fun & to enjoy my time with good people who want to be in my life.
I have tried not to be negative or play a victim ive survived alot but i guess things have made me this way from being bullied at school by boys my own dad not taking much interest in me so i just stayed away from boys so no experience ie boyfriend as a teenager to now with men, im nervous around men but when comfy i have a good sense of humour but no one has ever made the effort to get to know me, i know im worth the effort & they aren't if they don't try.
With regards to sleeping with anyone so soon after a date....i haven't done this at all, No one has been worthy so its never happened, of course i then i do wonder wtf is wrong with me. We made plans to meet 2/3 days before & were talking, could have just sent a message saying he wasn't in to me why ignore someone its just rude.Then to message again is messed up maybe true he found something better, how people know without trying & dating is horrible, i just dont get it.
I do deserve & want better, my friends no nothing of my problems i have been very depressed & said nothing as they have not been around to cheer me up or ask how iam, they have ignored me for months & have made no effort to see me, so ive been trying to make new friends. I know theres no magic potion etc im just sick of staying in every weekend because my friends are selfish & cruel. I'm lucky i have my mum & sister, they are always trying to cheer me up, I'am a bit of a jealous person im a taurus lol my sister has always had good friends, a job & a couple of boyfriends & goes on holidays etc with her current bf, so i cant help feeling a bit inferior to others. I can only try & be positive, hopefully things will get better & ill get out more. I know not all men are like this i just wish mine would ask for directions haha
Thank you for advice, appreciate it x