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Emotional Affair

PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2016 5:18 pm
by miaow
I have got myself into a complete mess - all my own fault.

Been with my partner for 9 years, married for the past 2 years, Been trying for a family and had numerous failed IVF attempts - the most recent Dec 2015. Been told I will never have my own child.

Husband shows little emotion, this was never a problem for me as I was such a secure person in myself. After the failed IVF's I changed, I needed love and support. I didn't get it. Not his fault, probably mine. I turned to counselling websites and ended up talking to a person who made me feel so much better. I became dependent on talking to him daily online for over a month, he made me feel normal again.

Online became text messaging, then became phone calls, then became skype. There was an attraction. He lives in the USA, I live in the UK. We've been in contact for nearly 5 months now daily. I kept kidding myself saying it was harmless due to the distance and that it wasn't physical, he was just giving me the emotional support my hubby wasn't. I still broke my hubby's trust. Needless to say hubby knows nothing of it other than I moved out of our bedroom into a back bedroom and stopped wearing my wedding ring. I fell in love with this online guy, he said he felt the same.

We'd planned for him to come over here and I was at a point where I was ready to leave my husband. I would not go to the USA to live. Now, he has his own crisis going on over there - hence why he was on a counselling website himself - and he may not be able to come live in the UK. He still wants me to leave my husband. I know he is right, for what I have done it wrong but I just am so selfish I don't want to lose my life if I can't have this online guy. Even if i am unhappy in it.

He is devastated over it. Keeps saying he loves me and will wait until I change my mind and that it's destroying him. That's when I had the wake up call. How selfish I am. That this entire thing has been about me trying to make myself feel better. Yes I love him, but not enough to drop everything and be with him.

I can't believe what an awful person I have become. I see this online guy suffering. I see what I am doing to my husband by pushing him away. I know I deserve for this guilt to eat away at me but I am at my wits end. I am so depressed and just cry. All my own fault. How could I be so stupid?

Re: Emotional Affair

PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2016 7:22 pm
by snail
Miaow, don't beat yourself up. There was always going to be a huge emotional fallout from the infertility and IVF stuff; this is not surprising at all. This person offered you a bright spot in the darkness, an alternative life away from crushing loss and the sense of failure. You're in so much pain that you would have grabbed at anything that made you hurt even a little less.

Although the feelings you have for him are real to you, you can't be really in love with him as a person because you haven't even met him. You've projected everything on to him. I'm not saying he isn't the one for you, but right now you really can't know if he is or not.

I know you're already had some counselling, but I think you're going to need to continue having some counselling on your own, probably for quite a while (I'm thinking years rather than months). Can you arrange that? Some of the infertility support groups may be able to steer you in the right direction - I've found Fertility Friends very good but there are lots. Also, can you say to your husband that you are really struggling right now, you're sorry for how you are, and ask him to bear with you - I'm sure he will. Remember he's having an awful time too and probably doesn't know what to do for the best.

Given this guy can't come to the UK at the moment anyway, that makes things easier. Ask him to give you six months to think about it - that will really test how you both feel. Take a break from contact with him in the meantime so that you are not deceiving your husband. I'm sure in six months your feelings will become a little clearer.

Re: Emotional Affair

PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2016 5:29 pm
by miaow
Thanks Snail.

The IVF has been soul destroying however I feel it's me trying to excuse myself if I blame that entirely for my actions.

Yes, this guy has been great, a great support. But I should have kept it as friends. For his sake, my sake and my husband's sake.

The issue I have now is that I don't feel i want my husband anymore, regardless of this other guy. I've just dug a massive hole and seem unable to get out of it. All my own doing.

Re: Emotional Affair

PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2016 5:27 pm
by snail
How are things now, Miaow?