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dirty chat on facebook messenger

PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2016 10:18 pm
by Buddle31
I caught my husband sending dirty messages to a woman on facebook messenger. She lives in another country & he's never met her. I found out it had been going on for a few days. He's also saved photos of her. I feel betrayed. It's been over a week since I found out & I can't move on. He says it's nothing but I'm hurting & he gets annoyed when I try to talk about it.

Re: dirty chat on facebook messenger

PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2016 7:21 am
by David020549
There is a large industry online tempting men into scams to extract money or even blackmail, based in Eastern Europe, Asia or Africa where there is no effective rule of law, it is a fact of life we are all targeted. You have confronted him and no doubt will be watching him online in future but don't be too concerned as long as it remains just chat to a woman in a far off land, it would be worse if she was local.
As long as he treats you well don't make a big issue out of it because that will result in a tit for tat downward spiral, if his fantasies get as far as meets that is where the serious problems begin.

Re: dirty chat on facebook messenger

PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2016 9:17 am
by Buddle31
She asked him for money for text books for her student course. He refused. She stopped contacting him. You may be right.

Re: dirty chat on facebook messenger

PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2016 10:07 am
by Tarantula
Dunno why we're so quick to overlook disloyalty here. There's no chance of them ever meeting? Oh well that's okay then.

I'd feel completely let down, and his annoyance when I tred to talk about it would be another big concern.

I hope he has now thoroughly apologised and is willing to communicate honestly about why he felt the need to do that.

Honestly, do married couples just have to basically settle for the fact that, after a certain number of years, it will go stale and one partner will stray? I'm so scared of getting married. :oops:

Re: dirty chat on facebook messenger

PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2016 11:19 am
by Buddle31
He said he didn't get that sort of thing from me. I said he only had to ask & I'm not a mind reader!

Re: dirty chat on facebook messenger

PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2016 1:24 pm
by David020549
Disloyalty, yes, all relationships have to cope with this sort of dishonesty because the temptations have never been greater, not just men there are plenty of women on these pages being disloyal. Tarantula wrote about marriages going stale, they need not but it is easy to get into an unimaginative routine particularly in the bedroom, be as playful as you can, within the limits you set of course but go easy on the dirty talk.
The expectation of the perfect marriage is difficult to achieve for both partners when the honeymoon is over and has to be worked at, so often work, kids, socializing, hobbies, new car, bigger house and lots of other goals get in the way of the relationship. Put this episode to the back of your mind and never mention it again, be the best attractive loving wife that you can, rise above this chapter in your marriage.

Re: dirty chat on facebook messenger

PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2016 2:08 pm
by Buddle31
He also said he did it cos he thought I was doing it too (I wasn't) & that I had 2 Facebook accounts (I don't).

Re: dirty chat on facebook messenger

PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2016 3:13 pm
by Tarantula
Don't worry David, I definitely wasn't suggesting that it's something only men do!!

But darn. Even if I been married fifty years, I reckon if I saw my man straying either online or off, I'd pack up and leave same day no regrets, and go for a night on the town in my nightgown and slippers!! 'Cause if he didn't like it, then why did he put a ring on it.....?

It sounds like your husband's just trying to put the blame back on you 'well I thought you were doing it too' - based on what? Get out! An arbitrary counter-accusation designed to shift blame (unless you really are dodgy as well). What kind of excuse is that anyway.

Only you can decide what you will and will not tolerate, OP.

Re: dirty chat on facebook messenger

PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2016 4:26 pm
by snail
I tend to agree with Tarantula - his response to being found out is almost more worrying than what he did. Getting annoyed when you try to talk about it, saying rubbish like "Oh I did it because I thought you were" shows he's taking zero responsibility.

It's up to you whether you think you can put this behind you, but a proper adult talk about what it is that he feels he isn't getting and why, would be the ideal thing.

Re: dirty chat on facebook messenger

PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2016 6:12 pm
by Buddle31
I've studied psychology & I know that putting the blame on me for what he did is a basic defence mechanism. I've discussed it with him. He said he was worried about asking me to do the things he'd been online about. I said that he would never know if he didn't ask. He knows I'm no prude.

Re: dirty chat on facebook messenger

PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2016 11:14 pm
by Buddle31
Her birth year is 1957 which makes her 59 (I'm 58). She says she's a student nurse & asked him for money for text books. Her profile pic is that of a woman who looks 25-30. She's probably just after money but I still don't think he should have typed dirty stuff or saved photos of her.

Re: dirty chat on facebook messenger

PostPosted: Fri May 20, 2016 8:46 am
by snail
The profile will be made up. She probably doesn't exist at all - i.e. she's actually a 42-year-old man in a bedroom in Mumbai sending the messages.

Re: dirty chat on facebook messenger

PostPosted: Fri May 20, 2016 9:54 am
by Buddle31
She stopped contacting him when he refused to send her money.

Re: dirty chat on facebook messenger

PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2016 8:11 am
by David020549
I was thinking you were 31 in line with your username not late 50s, presumably hubby is a year or two older. It was a clumsy scam and he was silly to have got involved, even sillier to do it on Facebook messenger, us older men get all sorts of ideas about lost youth.
You have made your point, this is a small issue so don't escalate it, it would have been much worse if he had an affair with a local woman, judge him on how he has behaved throughout your whole marriage.

Best wishes

Re: dirty chat on facebook messenger

PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2016 1:22 pm
by Buddle31
Thanks David. Actually he's 67. We have had a wonderful marriage (25 years). He's now feeling very guilty.