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Porn - wants porn instead of me

PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2016 6:17 pm
by 1Confused
Hi all,

I really need some advice, over an issue with porn. Am interested in both sides of the spectrum, but will give mine - sorry so long!

I have been with my husband for 11 years (I'm 29). I'm currently pregnant with twin boys which was planned, but this was the only reason we were having sex. Before then and after then he doesn't want to know.

History: 6 years ago (before our first son was born) He would watch porn occasionally but this changed to most/every day which would fulfil his needs in that area and so I was redundant - despite my efforts, he just didn't want to know. This went on for months. He would get pictures from girls on XBOX (he's pretty gorgeous) which didn't bother me too much I don't mind a bit of flirting etc and it was occasional rather than regularly (to my knowledge), I'm not a particularly jealous person and don't believe he would actually do the deed with someone else and don't really see the harm in it, it probably made him feel good.

Porn was another issue. To me, there is a difference between looking/flirting and getting off on someone else/someone else making you climax. No matter how I try to look at it, I felt like he needs other girls to feel satisfied and actively sought out other people to fulfil himself sexually. I hadn't even had children then so was size 10, decent boobs and figure (I think), can't do much about my face, but you don't need to look at it I guess? And would wear make up if he wanted me to. When I told him how I felt about it he was a bit shocked it bothered me so much and that I had reacted so badly. I told him exactly how I felt about it and I also have issues to do with my father where I think it stems from so told him about that too so he could try to understand from my perspective a bit more. (My mother left when I was 8 and I took over housekeeping/cooking/cleaning etc which meant every two weeks I would change my father's sheets (he would NEVER do it if I didn't) his room was always filled with videos, DVDs, magazines, pictures, I could go on. So from a young age I knew what it was and have always deeply hated it, it disgusted me.) I knew my husband did it occasionally (he's not very computer savy) and I didn't have a problem with that, thought it might be a fetish thing that he was embarrassed to explore with me etc, or just fancied looking but there is a difference between occasionally and every day/several times a day and wanting to watch porn instead of being with me.

It almost split us up - that's how strongly I felt/feel about it, he moved out. I eventually agreed to give it another go provided he didn't watch do/it. He agreed and we have been together since without incident.

6 years down the line we are here again. But this time we have a son and I am currently pregnant. My body is completely changed, I can't even try to lose weight until the babies are born - I would do it happily if that's what he wanted/needed, I would have surgery too. I have stretch marks on my tummy from my first pregnancy and my boobs aren't as firm - they're not saggy or anything, but not the way they were. I so understand that he doesn't like me any more, I wouldn't either. But he claims he does, why can't he be honest? It has been going on for months and months and he has been doing it all the time, when I'm out, in bed, in the bath literally any chance he gets. I didn't say a thing for months because I thought he'd stop, he'd remember how it makes me feel and just stop but he never did. What started as once a week very quickly became everyday, sometimes up to 3 times a day. He says I don't instigate enough so I have really tried to, I've bought clothes I hate wearing, acted in ways I despise, tried to be obvious, tried to be discreet, tried to take the lead, let him lead, be more relaxed and open/willing. But he just doesn't want to know. He would much rather watch these women than be with me and it's killing me, no matter what I do. I can't look like them I try and I try to act like them but nothing. He used to accept oral sometimes, but rarely even that any more, I think it's just me and I can't live like that. I want to be with someone who wants me and not feel like the ugly, fat woman at home.

A few weeks ago I confronted him again. I have told him I want the marriage to end, I can't be with someone I don't trust and who wants other people. It's affecting everything and I'm worried my little boy will pick up on things in the house - it's not healthy for him. He knows exactly how it makes me feel and how much I hate it, but still he chooses to do it every time, I would never do that to him, I can't understand why he is so willing to do it to me. I hate lying in bed wondering if some other woman is making him come. I think I need to admit defeat but then he says I can't take him away from his children and can't make him sleep under another roof - which I understand, you couldn't rip me from them. He says he loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else, that I am overreacting and being silly and that it's because we don't have sex (I don't know what else I can do to make him want to have sex with me). He says he has admitted it and could have just denied everything, but he told me the truth so that should mean something, but I can count the number of times we have had sex in the past year on my hands - that's how bad it is and that's including trying for a baby. I asked him to show me what he likes, to tell me so I can try, but he says it's private and none of my business. I thought I'll pretend it didn't happen and carry on as normal which I have been doing for a couple weeks, but I can't any more, it's done too much damage and I truly believe he needs other people. In the two weeks we have 'been normal' we have had sex once and that was instigated by me and completely in the dark so he could pretend I was someone else if he wanted (I did all whole act so he didn't have to move and didn't face him, in case my face is the problem) which seemed to work, but he hasn't wanted it since despite my efforts.

What do I do? I don't want to end our marriage, I deeply love him, but I think in the end he will cheat, I'm just not enough for him. Is what I'm feeling normal or do I need counselling perhaps? Do all men do this? Am I the only woman that has an issue with it? He says I am overreacting because I'm pregnant and my hormones are everywhere, but I wasn't last time and still feel the same. I am so conflicted. I feel like he should only want me. I only want him and always have, if I do self-pleasure I only EVER think of him, but it seems he will do anything not to think of me.

I need help, I really do, please tell me what to do, I've never been this unhappy. Ever.

Thank you and so sorry it's so long, it's not the kind of thing I can talk to friends about.

Re: Porn - wants porn instead of me

PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2016 10:42 pm
by Mrconfused74
Ok so your paragraph explains a lot. You were only having sex to pregnant!

This could've made the sex more like a chore than an actual feeling of love between two people. Watching porn for guys and some girls is very natural, let's take it from a guys perspective. You could be with an attractive sexy, amazing woman but still need to watch porn. Sex may be great but if your sex drives are different then this can be a factor. Me for example I found I would look at it more after sex than if I'd not ha it for a while. Maybe that's because I wanted more and after having it I wanted it again. Other times it's a fantasy thing, watching things a partner wouldn't do for example, but just because a guy watches porn doesn't mean he's going to cheat.

But as you also said it was your childhood that has made you feel this way about porn, it's seen as disgusting!

Have you ever watched it with your husband? Used it as a form of foreplay for example, it doesn't need to be hardcore stuff. My ex wouldn't watch the xxx stuff but would milder films as she knew it would excite me watching together. Guys watch porn for all sorts of reasons, and yes masturbate to it too, that doesn't mean he finds you any less attractive, and sometimes when a woman is pregnant guys find it difficult having sex with their partners. Just because he's watching porn doesn't mean he's going to cheat, in fact I find it strange that you are ok with him flirting with and exchanging pictures with real women, but disgusted by the fact he watches porn, for me is think most women would be the opposite to

Re: Porn - wants porn instead of me

PostPosted: Wed Jun 01, 2016 9:36 pm
by David020549
Mmm, this is a difficult one you obviously want to save your marriage but are not willing to accept him getting off on porn while ignoring you. In a few months you will have three boys and having their father with you is a big advantage over being a single mum, so I understand you want to stay together if you can. Your hormones are probably making you feel down and unattractive, personally I find pregnant women very attractive, probably the change in personality that comes with motherhood but I guess not all guys see that.
Most men watch some porn but he is watching porn at every opportunity he is addicted to it, in the same way that drink or gambling is addictive. Too much porn definitely reduces desire for "real" women and if firstly he will admit he is addicted and then stop using it then his sex drive will return to normal, that will not be easy and I suggest counselling as the best route. Unless he does accept that regrettably you will separate, even then he will have visiting rights with the boys so there is a strong risk of the porn cycle continuing, not an enticing prospect for the future.
You don't mention any other abuse so I suggest that you don't take any initiative for a few months after the twins are born, you are going to need all the help you can get coping with twins and you don't need the extra stress of a breakup now.
Best wishes

Re: Porn - wants porn instead of me

PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2016 12:06 pm
by Jen12
I know this post is months old but I'm hoping you read this. And other women also who are being treated this way. I hope you have already binned this man. Firstly he has no respect for you at all. To treat you this way and think its okay well it's not.he takes a cold and calculated decision to use them. They are performing sex acts while he performs his own (masterbating) and he does this knowing you know what he is doing. He is taking advantage that he can get away with this and while he is doing it he is destroying your self esteem and confidence. how low you must be feeling he has the best of both worlds only he is putting you behind these women. If you haven't already then take back your self respect do not carry on being second class to his other women don't walk behind them you should be well in front .and if he hasn't already cheated physically with others he is well on his way to . So if you haven't left him and he is still treating you I. This appalling way then my advice is tell him to go and get in someone else's bed he doesn't deserve you at all leave him and trust me you will meet a nice man who will show you love and respect .I am aware that men like porn but he is just total advantage not of a little porn but ruining his partners life what a dirt bag .please I hope you read this and walk away from him don't let your children keep discovering what you saw when you were a child .becouse they will come across it .take care and I wish you well