Another No sex issue

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Another No sex issue

Postby Southwestm » Mon Jun 06, 2016 2:15 pm

Hello all,
I know this topic must have been covered previously judging by the amount of articles on the net about it. Unfortunately the articles and the answers they provide just don't fit my circumstance.
I've been with my wife for 8 years and have lived together since we first met (long story), two children 1 and 4. I love my wife and children and they love me and I look forward to going home and seeing theI find my wife incredibly attractive and love having sex with her. I can't even fantasise about other women even if I try.
The problem is sex, or lack of, has become an issue. My wife is never up for it despite loving it when we do. When pregnant with children there was no sex, I thought fair enough. My daughter (the youngest) was nearly one before we had sex again. i spoke to her about it and that I needed and wanted to be sexually intimate with her, she said she understood and made all the right noises and we agreed to set an evening a week for sex, which was great for a few weeks but not so great in that if it doesn't happen then I feel I'm left waiting for another week. And the it doesn't happen again and so on. I then moan and end up constantly hinting if sex is going to happen. This pisses her off apparently, but in the past when I didn't mention it still didn't happen. I can't win, I know she finds me attractive and that she isn't cheating or anything but I don't know what to do. We can't talk about it anymore as she gets hissed off.
I've read countless web articles saying you need to compliment her, help around the house, lose weight, be a good dad etc etc. I think I'm a good husband I work full time I do all the cooking, and without sounding arrogant I am a good cook. I make sure money is no issue and that all bills are paid and that she has exactly the same as me after savings put away and everything else is paid for. She has a good social life and so I look after the kids a lot. I do all the diy, I keep myself in shape, I clean and clear up. Always compliment her. I'm not jealous at all, we tell each other everything.
What can I do, I can't talk to her about without it becoming an even bigger issue. I really can't do more to help out as I do loads already.
I'm sorry for the rambling, but I'm going insane. I see my only option as not mentioning or initiating sex and see what happens but what if nothing happens, I just feel even more rejected and stupid.
. Unfortunately amongst my friends in the one who gives the advice so any advice from you people would be great.
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Re: Another No sex issue

Postby Mrconfused74 » Tue Jun 07, 2016 7:51 am

Firstly setting a day to have sex can add more pressure to the issue, sex should be spontaneous not planned. It sounds like you're doing all the right things but this doesn't seem enough, so there is another reason for it. Has your wife put on weight? Has her body changes since having kids? especially more so if she breastfed? Having children can have a drastic affect on women, she may just not feel attractive, or sexy to you.
I had the same with my ex, I even went to a therapist as I felt I was close to cheating, she told me sometimes when women have had children they feel they have achieved what they want from sex and so their libido drops to practically nothing, as they feel no need for sex anymore. Might be rubbish but I can see the truth in it.
What else have you done for 'her' it took me a long time but sex became more frequent, massages, weekends away, buying her sexy lingerie, can all help. She will be more relaxed and the lingerie can help to
Show her you do find her sexy. But you also need it not to be all about sex, and I mean imtercourse, there are other things you can do to satisfy each other, perhaps he finds intercourse uncomfortable but doesn't want to say, and this could purely be because she is tense when you do, not relaxed.

You're right about asking her for it, mine was the same, saying I was always going on about sex, but when I said nothing there was no change, so tell her, you love her you find her sexy but you need some sexual release so if she doesn't want to have intercourse, can you do other stuff, masturbation oral etc. It took time but as I said it got better,
But you need to make her feel relaxed.
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Re: Another No sex issue

Postby Southwestm » Tue Jun 07, 2016 12:41 pm

Thanks for the reply.
In reply, it's definitely not about her body, she's lucky enough to have a bikini body even after two kids and excercises everyday. She's never had a hang up about sex or her body.
She's very relaxed about porn master nation etc.
i realise I have made things worse by badgering and bugging and getting moody when nothing happens. I'm told not to do it and it will just happen but rarely ever does.
what hurts so much is that there is no reason and she doesn't seem to care or even notice that it makes me unhappy. In every other way our relationship is near perfect.
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Re: Another No sex issue

Postby David020549 » Tue Jun 07, 2016 1:14 pm

Your last reply fills in a few uncertainties. You have tried everything to make her more relaxed and gone to some lengths to be a good husband but still she is not interested. She sounds a healthy attractive woman - are you absolutely sure she is not having an affair.
If I was in your place I would be covertly checking everything she does, any marriage without sex is heading for a breakup unless there is a very good reason.
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Re: Another No sex issue

Postby Mrconfused74 » Tue Jun 07, 2016 1:26 pm

The thing is there is a reason, you just haven't found out what it is. Have you tried the massages? Weekend away etc, just by being more relaxed she may well feel like having sex. But don't expect it every time, if you can give a massage just for her then she won't associate it with leading to sex. You say she has a good social life so does she go out a lot without you? Do you do anything as a couple? It's true that people say if one partner isn't interested in sex that they may well be having a affair, but others say an increase in sex drive could signal an affair. Is there anything else happening that makes you feel she's cheating, holding on to her phone, texts and weird times of the day, taking calls but going into another room?

If you think she's not cheating, if nothing you say or do is helping then she either doesn't care or doesn't really understand how it's affecting you. I found writing down how I feel helped, and give it to her to read, that way it won't feel like you're bugging her, just telling her how you feel.
If she's ok with porn and masturbation etc is this as a couple or she allows you to watch and do it? For it's the latter she could have lost her sex drive.
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Re: Another No sex issue

Postby David020549 » Wed Jun 08, 2016 7:05 am

The way you describe her behavior it's as though she was in love with someone else and being loyal to them, having an affair certainly increases sex drive in men but women have a much more emotional reaction to sex. If she has thoughts of another lover or maybe ex lover it could easily stop her enjoying sex with you, this would explain why she cannot discuss the reason.
You say she has a good social life and you look after the kids, this can easily be used to cover an affair knowing that you are tied at home, do not assume that her lover is male. One guy that I know was having problems like yours and thought nothing of his wife spending time with a girlfriend, until he returned home unexpectedly and found them in bed together, we hear quite often of married men " coming out", it happens with women too.
There quite a list of unexpected and unusual activities that men and women get involved in that causes marriage breakup, some are revealed a lot remain secret.
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Re: Another No sex issue

Postby Jan8 » Fri Jun 10, 2016 9:40 am

Have you thought about the little things??? You do a lot that's right, but it isn't about the big stuff - sometimes women need to feel special. Focus on her, get the kids to stay with relatives for a night so you can have a date night without expectations... Flirt with her, give her a hug when you pass by her, kiss her just because you want to! It isn't all about you... I can understand your frustration though
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Re: Another No sex issue

Postby johnay » Fri Jun 17, 2016 11:01 pm

Hey you have every right to expect a sexual and physical life and you aren't getting this. It's not healthy for a marriage to be sexless and for a man to be almost begging for it and then being made to feel bad that he is having sexual expectations. It's not good for your kids also to grow up in a family where physical affection isn't happening. I know all that chat among women saying that if you do lots of housework you'll get more sex and its rubbish. In my experience the more you do the more you get taken for granted. If your wife can't be bothered to make love and make you feel special then maybe you need to not bother as well. Maybe I'd you let her know you can't be bothered to cook or do the fit then maybe she will want to know why. She can't have it all her way and if you don't make a stand now you will end up being her doormat. Women can be just as selfish and self centred as men and sometimes the more amenable partner has to make a stand...
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Re: Another No sex issue

Postby 18gf » Mon Jul 11, 2016 12:48 pm

I haven't got children, so I can only imagine what it must be like having two children under the age of 5. I feel tired just being near me nephews and friend's children! Have you asked your wife if everything is ok down there? I had a bit of a personal issue and it made me dread sex because it was painful and I would put it off because I didn't look forward to it. And I am sure most people will agree with me, it turns off like a tap down there if it is not the least bit pleasurable. My husband and I had to address this issue recently about our sex life waning a little. I felt terrible that my husband was feeling rejected and was questioning what was wrong, I went to the Doctor to sort things out, made a conscious effort to start having more sex and I have bought some things to help stuff along when it isn't happening so naturally. When women aren't feeling themselves, it really affects our libido, I am assuming your wife has something else troubling her and it is affecting her sex drive. Tiredness, stress, body dissatisfaction all contribute. The only thing is if she isn't wanting to talk about it - it really is difficult to get to the root cause. I agree about setting time aside and about being spontaneous, I personally like to have an idea of when we might so I can be in the best possible mood and have taken care of myself (you know what I mean!) but I also do like a spontaneous Sunday morning quickie when you haven't even ventured out of bed yet. I suggest trying to talk to your wife again and explain how you are feeling - she might respond better to that, if she feels like it is affecting you emotionally. It is all very well being married to your best friend but sex is a big part of it, I think we all sometimes forget that!

I know a couple mention cheating - it isn't the first thing that comes into my mind when I read the feed but hey what do I know. :oops:
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