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Can we just be friends?

PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2016 10:03 pm
by Dazed&confused22
This is my first post and I could really do with some independent advice!
My friend ( who is male) and I have worked together for over 10 years. We say we are each other's best friends and have been there for each other through divorces (each of us) and new relationships. For years at work people have thought we are a couple but we aren't. About 8 years ago we kissed( at the time he was married but having difficulties) but I stopped anything else happening as I said to him that he needed me as his friend more than an added complication. I had also just started seeing someone who would go on to become my husband. I never thought anything else of it.
Fast forward 8 years- he is in a relationship with his first love after his marriage broke up because he cheated on his wife with his now girlfriend and my marriage has ended. As soon as my marriage ended and about 2 months after his girlfriend moved in something seemed to change between the two of us after all the years of close friendship In between. He started privately messaging me and this has been going on for nearly 10 months between the two of us. These are of both a platonic and extremely sexual nature. It's over 10k messages . We have done "stuff" together but not had sex. In his words " I'm worried that if I do it once, I'm going to want to do it again with you" and " I've already messed up one relationship (his marriage), I can't f up another". Apparently I am the "itch". I never knew this in all the years we've been friends. He was my witness at my wedding. He says that my to be ex- husband was never good enough for me. He slips into conversation that he loves me and makes excuses to touch me and take hold of my hand in work. If we are sat together at a desk, he will just sit there with his arm around me.
I just don't really know what to make of all of this. He says he loves his girlfriend (who moved down to live with him) but he's Not cut out for relationships and doesn't want to live with anyone. I'm not really sure what's going on between us but I miss the fact that I can't be honest with him and tell him- if you love someone (such as your girlfriend) you don't cheat on them either physically or emotionally and that nothing would make you cheat on someone if you loved them. I never cheated on my husband either physically or with messages or anything else. I'm angry that in all the years he never said anything and angry that he's started this- whatever this is- between us now. Can we go back to just being friends? What is going in between us? :o

Re: Can we just be friends?

PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2016 7:22 am
by Mrconfused74
You said he kissed you when he was still with his wife, but they were having troubles? This should've been the first sign of what he's like. It's quite possible he likes you a lot, but do you really want to have a relationship with a man that cheated on his wife, and is cheating on his current partner with you? He may well be with this girl because he couldn't be with you, but now he can he wants that. But by the sounds of things you don't. So really you have two choices, tell him you won't continue this behaviour and want to just be friends, being there for each other like before. Or you tell him that you will just be work colleagues and that's it. You will only be giving him hope if you continue, so unless you do really want him then you need to be honest. It's also going to affect any potential relationship for you. So make a decision and stick to it. Yes you may lose a friend but sometimes friends go no matter how long you've known them. You need to think of you!

Re: Can we just be friends?

PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2016 9:19 am
by Dazed&confused22
Thanks for the advice- really appreciated. Honestly I don't know what I want. I've only just come out of a marriage and all this with my best friend has caught me a bit off centre. I don't know if what he's doing with me is just for fun or if there is something else behind it and in one way I wish I wasn't the other person so to speak so that I could sit him down and say what are you doing? i want to say to him, if you are doing this with someone else, you don't love your girlfriend- you need to be honest with yourself and her and end it. It's what I would have said to him in the past. I want to say life is too short to make do and fear of being seen to mess up another relationship is no reason to stay in it. I feel like I can't be a true friend to him at the moment and that hurts.
He tells me that he hasn't cheated on his girlfriend because we haven't had sex - I did point out to him that's a ridiculous thing to say so clearly that's how he's justifying his behaviour and that makes me laugh. When I told him I'd spent the weekend moving my furniture around he told me off and said I should have messaged him and he would have come and helped me. I pointed out how would that look to his girlfriend- the weekend is their time and his time with his son from his marriage. I don't think that he knows what he wants and his confusion, confuses me. He goes on holiday with his girlfriend and messages me to tell me he misses me. He'll let on that he was thinking about me when choosing what to wear to work. But I do the same.
I would like to go back to being friends because this is never going to go anywhere however I don't see how we can but to just be work colleagues isn't something that I can see happening- we both admit that we are too important in each other's lives to not be in them. Aarrrrgggghhhh

Re: Can we just be friends?

PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2016 10:05 am
by snail
Wow what a slimy guy. You're right that this can't ever go anywhere - if you were the one who officially became his partner, he's start this again with someone else, sooner or later. Anyway, he clearly doesn't want to make you his official partner. And he called you an "itch"? How derogatory. The only reason he won't sleep with you is in case he wants to do it again? (No concerns about your welfare after the stress of your divorce then). And now he's messing you around, keeping you hanging on, giving you mixed messages. Frankly he doesn't seem like much of a true friend to me.

I don't think this can be saved - I would avoid him as much as possible at work without being too obvious, and I would find a new friend.