Worried I will never have a child

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Re: Worried I will never have a child

Postby Tarantula » Mon Oct 30, 2017 3:22 pm

Ramble away, that's what we're here for.

Once again, I will just be reiterating things I've already said. Because you're reiterating a situation that - guess what - still isn't changing in the direction you want it to.

Let me just say, for a moment, isolating everything else - I think you are an absolute glutton for punishment regarding the sex life. What a joke.

There, I said it. I had to let it out sorry.

Once again, the overall way of things in your relationship - very one-sided, you caving in out of obligation, putting you-know-what on a pedestal, you generally not living for yourself one bit.

Where does the buck stop?

I say, to heck with Xmas obligations (they're a total pain, and so unnecessary), for once in your life do what YOU want to do. Put Lee first. The same goes for the issues regarding your father. If you wanna write a letter, write a letter. You wanna go in a hotel, go in a hotel. You wanna take your generous redundancy pay-out, move out, go travel the world and then come back, start over and find a woman who can give you a more mutual arrangement.... DO IT.

I'm a radical, I know. Or am I? I mean is it radical to suggest you aim higher than such an unfulfilling situation where giving oral is 'about the best it gets'? Good grief, man! I know that longterm relationships can never reasonably expect to maintain all the passion from the beginning, but give me a break!

You're depressed, in part, because you're not being authentic. You're not being true to yourself. Every time you get a bit of a spark, a bit of mojo, a bit of zest, an idea to do something differently, something for you, something to put yourself first for a change - you shut it down with a truckload of obligation or plain old fear of the unknown and try to tell yourself that this is good enough for you.

But it's not.
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Re: Worried I will never have a child

Postby Lee R » Wed Dec 20, 2017 12:56 pm

I'm back again - uh oh I hear you guys say

Well basically brother in laws baby was born last night - of course am happy for them but it opens up old feelings of jealousy and sadness (and my wife knows this)

I had a little weep to myself in bathroom last night while wife was asleep - basically coz I just hate being me, being the guy who is so soppy and nice with children - life would be so much easier if I was anti kid and didn't want one of my own so badly - sure I would like to be in good job (do have couple of interviews lined up before my redundancy in Jan which is something positive at least) but my ambitions aren't career related anymore

And knowing our own child (if it ever happens) is at the very least 3 years away (and I think longer) by then will be in early 40's will it be too late, will she want to put career on temp hold to have one having worked through uni - she keeps insisting she does want one but I don't 100% believe her

and I then have to see everyone else putting baby pics on facebook of either newly borns or pregnancies ie nose being rubbed in it

basically part of me feels I just don't belong in life - a guy being so broody and wanting children so much is not normal

I will never be anti children and even as much as the other day I was playing around with one of my colleagues young sons who she brought in (he is 1) if children and babies were scared of me it would be easier but they have always taken to me

think i'm just basically messed up :-(
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Re: Worried I will never have a child

Postby Tarantula » Wed Dec 20, 2017 3:53 pm

You're not messed up and it isn't at all abnormal for a man to love kids and want to have his own.

Life would be so much easier if you were anti kid? Maybe.

More to the point, life would be so much easier if you left your relationship and found a woman who wants the same things as you.

Is it really easier to convince yourself that you're somehow abnormal (you're not!) than accept this simple reality?

Why put yourself through all this? Just leave already and find someone who's on the same page. Life's too short man.
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Re: Worried I will never have a child

Postby stephie2 » Mon Jan 08, 2018 2:43 pm

I have read this thread from start to finish with much interest.

What a heart breaking and sad story!

Firstly I think it was very unfair of your wife to change the goal posts when she felt like it. All this seems to be about her and not about you as a couple. What about what you both want and not just one sided? Secondly what is all this absolute nonsense about only having sex on TTOM. How off putting! I couldn't think of anything worse than having sex at that time of the month. Why not just find a contraception and have it when you both feel like it not when she dominates that she will allow you to have this "treat".

It is no wonder you are so depressed. Redundancy, a self obsessed selfish wife, desire for a completely natural thing (a baby) and messy sex when she feels like giving you any. I would have been out of there like a shot. No wonder you feel so down on yourself. As for the rubbish at sex rubbish, it takes two to have sex and show each other what they like and dislike. You only think you are rubbish because you are not being given the praise, guidance of what she likes and to find out what you do and the restriction of only being able to do it when she tells you its ok or when it is going to be messy and unattractive. As for the not being able to put on condoms etc why doesn't your wife have a go at putting one on for you and make it into part of the foreplay? or maybe that's all one sided too?

From your story I get the impression that you have been very supportive of her. Encouraged her for work, given up your own dreams and take the tit bits of scraps she throws to you when she feels like it. Sooner or later you will snap and that will be the end of that.

Firstly you need to sit her down and tell straight that she is going to listen to you whether she likes it or not. Lay it all out on the table and tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her you want changes. Tell her you want the freedom of having a normal sex life. Tell her you want a clearer picture of when you want to have children. Tell her that YOU deserve a bit of respect and its not all about HER.

Failing that I fear your relationship will be doomed eventually as you will not be able to keep this going forever. As for being good enough for someone else that is rubbish! You will be fine for someone else, a future partner will probably give you a normal sex life (which you will be fine with and will not be rubbish at) and you will be able to look forward to your dream of being a father too!
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Re: Worried I will never have a child

Postby Lee R » Fri Apr 20, 2018 1:26 pm

So its been a while but I am back - and don't worry as there is a more upbeat feel about me this time (honest!)

So xmas truly sucked this year, we abandoned all family plans at xmas to the point where we were on brink over xmas as arguing quite severely, but we came through it - I did have quite a major meltdown and publicly put a FB status on saying that I didnt feel that I belong in this lifetime (and occasionally still wonder) but I am definitely in better place now think the meltdown was combination of seeing numerous family pics on FB and of course the arrival of baby niece just before xmas - again a stern lecture I gave myself is to remember what goes on behind closed doors compared to social media could be a different story, and of course there are people worse off than me.

Since then we actually have been getting on well, my redudancy happened but after a few interviews landed a job after only being unemployed a week and a half which has given me a real lift, we also went on hols to portugal for a week last month and have booked a few nights in New York for this xmas just for the hell of it!

We have also started a help to buy ISA and have some savings in various places as ideally we will look to buy in 2020 sometime.

And I have come off the anti depressants too - been nearly a month off them completely, as its me and have suffered from depression for a good 75% of my life by my reckoning (i turn 39 in June) there are still times when I can feel a little down about certain things etc (more on that in a mo)

I have even taken a plunge and signed up to a 10 mile walk for a cancer charity in June - so the hard work training and shifting a bit of weight has started since Portugal - normally that sort of thing I wouldnt have been keen on but I thought "why not" simple as that have raised £50 so far sponsorship and hope to raise more in the coming weeks

I will admit there are times where I feel proper envious of people, think thats just life, people will no doubt envy me in some way - I'm trying to deal with that accordingly (ie coz of those who have things I want and can't yet/if at all have)

And on the intimacy front while we have played around a fair bit of late we still haven't had intercourse, we did buy some femdoms a while ago but have yet to try them, and I am still put off by the whole TOTM thing (and have told her that as subtly as I could)

Something I am struggling with at times is the feeling of envy that guys have had more experience than me and have partners who dress up in racy underwear etc.....as my wife is not into all that so sticks to plain things and to be fair I knew that when we met years ago so dont really have any right to feel that way - one key thing I told myself off about over xmas is that I should concentrate on myself and our lives rather than think about what others have etc as thats detremental to me as a person and also my marriage, and I am managing this but have the odd mood blip hear and there

One thing I do get irritated about (which I haven't told her) is that whenever she hears about someone older than 40 who has had or is expecting a child she has to make sure I know about it, as if she is trying to prove a point that I have time which of course I get and understand, I sometimes wish I didnt have this dream of being a dad, life would sure be better for it as it wouldn't cause trouble and cause my mood to drop at times.

But I am determined not to go down to the depths of how I (and indeed my wife) felt at xmas, thats part of life and marriage, that it takes hard work.
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Re: Worried I will never have a child

Postby Tarantula » Fri Apr 20, 2018 1:33 pm

It's part of YOUR life and marriage for sure.

I'm glad you're doing better for yourself - shifting weight is definitely a good idea on so many levels, and confidence-lifting job etc - well done you!

I still say that you are punishing yourself by accepting a non-existent sex life and that you're not bad for wanting more. It's normal, natural, healthy to want to have sex!
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Re: Worried I will never have a child

Postby Lee R » Fri Apr 20, 2018 1:46 pm

Cheers for your support as always T - appreciated

Exercise I have always believed and had told to me is a "natural anti depressant" and I do find that when I exercise it lifts me (as does singing songs out loud in car when I drive but wont wish that on anyone as am tone deaf!)

Granted your right in what you say thats it is natural healthy about sex etc, but again I have consciously told myself that I should make efforts, maybe to the point where next TOTM i just think to hell with it and let it happen
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Re: Worried I will never have a child

Postby reckoner » Sat Apr 21, 2018 9:46 am

Lee, I really admire your determination and efforts to make your marriage work. But I agree 100% with Tarantula.
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Re: Worried I will never have a child

Postby boulding » Thu Apr 26, 2018 8:47 am

Hi Lee

What century does your wife think she's living in ? Why on earth does she think she can't have it all. Pregnancy is not an illness and thankfully the days are long gone when a pregnant woman or a woman with young children could be discriminated against. In any case most women don't have the luxury of being a stay at home mum. They have to work and that's why we have child tax credits, childcare vouchers, maternity grants, family friendly hours, creches, childminders etc. It's quite possible to study and be pregnant. In fact my local college has a creche on site. I think you should go to the Citizens Advice and get some practical up to date information about the financial side of things. Then you could have a calm, non emotional chat about the practicalities of things and formulate a plan for the future.

Actually I can see your wife's point of view. She probably wants to be appreciated as a wife and life partner first and not have all this very fraught emotional pressure put on her as though her only worth is a baby machine. I feel sure that if you can stay calm and sensible this can all work out.

If, of course, she refuses to make any plans with you and has no wish to make a family with you then you will have a very hard decision to make but in circumstances like these you have to put yourself first. It's just too serious an issue to allow yourself to be fobbed off.
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