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Ready to end my relationship

PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 3:21 pm
by Minnie29
Long story short, I'm ready to end my relationship. It's so incredibly difficult and I guess I just need to vent...

The long story being that I've been with my partner for 10 years, lived together for most of that. We've had our ups & downs of course but more so over recent years. Very often I'd feel alone, if we were out together, on holiday. I've lost count of how often I've cried over this relationship. For most of it we were just friends, no hand holding, kissing, anything really... He'd say really hurtful things some times, usually about my weight. A couple of times he'd try to say he was doing me a favour, trying to inspire me to be healthier or whatever but had a funny way of going about it :(

But hold off on the sympathy, because I ended up falling for someone else. Yes I'm a horrible person, I know. I've cheated which is something I never thought I'd do. I know it's disgusting and hurtful and cruel. And yet it's only a tiny part of me that sometimes (rarely!) feels guilty about this because I'm so incredibly happy. I believe this person really cares for me and is actually the kindest, sweetest person I've ever met. This isn't a fling, there are real feelings involved which I think actually makes it worse. If it was just a physical thing then that's one thing, but I'm really falling for this guy!

One day things came to a head with my partner. He kept talking about booking things for us like holidays, by which time I knew I couldn't do that as I wanted to end it... I just didn't know how. He asked why we couldn't book things and I explained I wanted to break up (I left out the bit about me cheating on him partly because I genuinely don't know how he'd react and also I'm a coward I guess!). He cried, apologised for how he had been and said he knew he treated me badly and he'd change. To me it's too little too late - things have changed. My feelings have changed. I don't want to work on this relationship. I'm done.

But I agreed to give him a few months to try and change my feelings, by changing his actions. And to his credit, he has. Things are better between us but we can't be boyfriend/girlfriend anymore, I know this. I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore and can't have sex or anything because I now feel like I'd be cheating on this other person.

I know it has to end. Which breaks my heart because I do care for my partner so much and would do anything not to hurt him but I just don't see a future for us anymore.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Please don't slate me too much :(

Re: Ready to end my relationship

PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2016 11:02 am
by Tarantula
I'm not sure what you want us to say..?

Go ahead and end it. Don't drag this out any longer. It's selfish and cowardly. You know he wouldn't be promising change and all that if he knew what you'd been up to. So you are actively making a mug of him for every second that you don't wanna look like the bad guy, and put that above everything else.

Tell him the truth, break up, and don't stoop so low next time.

Of course you can't be bf/gf anymore, you're cheating. You'd do anything not to hurt him?

... come on now. Step up to the plate, please. Do it today.

Re: Ready to end my relationship

PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2016 11:11 am
by Mrconfused74
Totally agree with Tarantula, would you rather he found out about your cheating and dumped you?
Perhaps that would be the easiest option. Just tell him you don't love him anymore, and no amount of change will make you stay. Walk away and move on. Chances are though that he will find out you've gone straight to someone else and know you have been cheating.

Re: Ready to end my relationship

PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2016 8:47 pm
by David020549
I think Tarantula is much to hard there are many long term partners female and male that are treated badly and find company and enjoyment elsewhere, many of them had forgotten happiness a long time ago. In many cases you blame yourself for not being the perfect partner, not attractive enough, not sexy enough or too demanding, until you meet someone who appreciates you.
We all know how easy it is to overstep the mark when you are enjoying yourself for the first time for years and when you have been in a long term relationship deciding what to do next is not easy. If you no longer love your partner that is the time to make the break, as you don't mention kids or any family that might influence the decision it is much easier.

Re: Ready to end my relationship

PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2016 10:24 pm
by johnay
It sounds to me that you have found happiness with someone new. Believe me that is fine and don't beat yourself up about it. You've a chance now to move on with someone who wants you and won't mess with your self esteem and make you feel a lesser person. Please make that leap of faith and go for a much better future where you are with someone who will treat your properly. When it's over it is over.. if he's not doing anything for you sexually then you won't work any more for you both. It's time for a new life.

Re: Ready to end my relationship

PostPosted: Sat Jul 09, 2016 2:33 pm
by Tarantula
It isn't that easy to 'overstep the mark' as you say - it's not like we slip and fall and just end up in bed with someone who is not our partner. That takes a process and a series of steps. Just because there are many who take the fundamentally selfish option to cheat rather than leave, doesn't make it any less selfish.

Cheating is not acceptable. It's not something to gloss over. It is the coward's way of forcing the issue that the relationship is not working, instead of walking away with head held high.

Luckily, Minnie is aware of all that, and hopefully has by now come clean with her partner, ended the relationship, and is taking steps to move on properly.

Re: Ready to end my relationship

PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2016 8:05 am
by Trevaskiss
I know the effects that lying or keeping the truth can have on someone and it's not nice at all.

I can't talk about leaving a relationship as I'm hardly in a position to say as I'm finding it a very very hard thing to do.

However, what I will say is ... please be honest with him (I've learnt that) and tell him that there is someone else. Worse for him if he finds out from someone else.