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So I just found out I'm a rapist.

PostPosted: Sat Jul 09, 2016 8:22 am
by SillyMistakes
I don't know what to say. I've typed paragraphs of background information out over and over again, but I cant really get my head around what really happened and what didn't. Basically, I've spent the last few months in an overly alcoholic friendship with a dude who I thought I was going out with in an overly alcoholic relationship. Tonight was the first time we've ever acknowledged our intimate times, and he told me he said no to me twice. He told me he thought of me as a friend, nothing more. He told me that he didn't blame me for anything I did, but that he didn't want to do anything.

Honestly, I spent the last few months delusionally thinking we were dating. it sounds ridiculous, but I did. I cant explain It impartially so I wont try, because ive typed everything out so many times but I cant make it make sense. I want to kill myself. I think I've completely lost touch with reality. I've found out that instead of being in a relationship, i'm a rapist. I'm a jumping rapist. I literally spent my entire walk home thinking that it'd be better if I just turned myself in because then he wouldn't blame himself for my suicide and perpetuate the victim-blaming society. I don't know what else to do. I don't deserve help, I know, but I'm asking for it. What do I do.

Re: So I just found out I'm a rapist.

PostPosted: Sat Jul 09, 2016 12:49 pm
by Tarantula
Here's what you do. You step back from this situation long enough to evaluate it clearly.

I don't know how it is possible for him to genuinely believe you were 'just friends', and for you to genuinely believe otherwise. What was the nature of communication between you both? Flirty? Romantic?

I definitely think you have issues that this event with this guy are merely the symptom of. What's the cause?

But I don't think you are a rapist. I think he was perhaps lukewarm and very drunk and went along with things for the hell of it, but didn't exactly fight you off either. So at which point did he 'say no'? Did you sleep together more than once?

It doesn't sound to me like he did not consent. Between adults, a lack of consent would be more obvious, particularly from a man's point of view, who can of course physically overpower most women easily. I am not saying that men don't get pressured or coerced into sex that they don't necessarily want; but adult rape tends to require a more violent approach with little room for choice.

So, if he did not consent, then why is he telling you that? Did he himself use the term 'rapist'? Whatever this is, it's very unhealthy. Are you aware that there are types of people in the world who feed off of destroying another's self esteem in order to proffer up their own hopelessly fragile ego? Could this guy be playing on your weaknesses and eagerness to rush in and take responsibility for everything, in order to satiate his own need to feel important?

From what you've said so far, you are not a rapist.

Re: So I just found out I'm a rapist.

PostPosted: Sat Jul 09, 2016 1:07 pm
by SillyMistakes
Sorry, I was kind of distraught when I wrote this. I'm still freaking out, but you asking specific questions is helping me think about what I can say. Firstly, I'm a guy, he's a guy, we're both gay, probably should've said that. Nature of communication - well, he has issues, (I say that now, think I have issues too now...) I thought communication was flirty, he talked about sex, he talked about what he liked, he talked about what he didn't, (just to add confusion to the mix... he liked dominant guys. Also, he says "well you just talked about that... my best friend knows about some of my fetishes, that doesn't mean we've ever done anything with each other") we'd often meet, drink excessively, talk about everything and anything, then wed pass out with me cuddling him (he says "well... that was just drunken passing out... I mean, don't you just pass out where you are? It doesn't mean anything..." OR, I would do something 'dominant', he'd like, say "ooh" or something like that, (he says; "I was just taking the lemonade... we were drunk") and so i'd get further into it and I'd have sex with him.

I'm a bit confused by the next question, I have had issues with depression in the past, but when it comes to it I don't really see the connection (sorry if I'm being dense).

He told me, that he'd said no at some point when we did actually have sex, he never called me a rapist, but I couldn't believe it for a bit, I really didn't realize, if it happened, I really didn't... then there was one time I remember, when I got horny, I did "something dominant" he said 'that's quite nice' in a taking-the-piss gay voice, then I whipped it out (as I said... drunken times, always, there's no smooth or being attractive here.) and he sorta sighed and said "no", I apologized and un-whipped, thinking it was cos I was so drunk and forward rather than he'd never wanted to before or since... I'm sorry if this seem incredible, but the problem is, my version of events is so different to his, they sort of fit in together, but I really didn't realize he'd never wanted to... I cant believe it.

He never wanted to talk about it, he mentioned something related and I pushed it until he told me he didn't see me as anything but a friend and had never wanted to have sex with me and had said no to me and... all that.

Also, I probably miscommunicated by saying I believed we were in a relationship, I believed we were dating, and because we'd been dating for so long, I believed that there was a chance it was going to get "serious". I'm reading this now and thinking how naïve and stupid I sound, but... I really thought it was going somewhere, I thought the chat we had last night was the chat that would end in "so... what're we doing then?" and the answer basically being, that we were going out. Instead last night's chat turned into me finding out I'm completely delusional, have been lying to myself, and he didn't want to do anything that wed done before.. I feel terrible.

Re: So I just found out I'm a rapist.

PostPosted: Sat Jul 09, 2016 9:27 pm
by johnay
It's very easy to get into a very close friendship\relationship with another gay guy and to get into the habit of going out a lot together and for certain feelings to develop between either man. Oftentimes drink cements the closeness and sexual activity does happen in these situations and its not easy to work the full extent of how each guy feels. It's easy to go along with this especially when both get on very well and really enjoy each other's company. Sometimes when full or penetrative sex happens it's makes one or either question their full emotional and or sexual feelings for the other. I'm guessing that may be the case here and your friend has found himself getting more and more involved with you when deep down he knows it's not right either for him or both of you. Please don't feel like a rapist as I'm sure you are nothing of the sort but it seems that he has been giving you rather mixed messages and you haven't interpreted them in the same way as him. Too much drink isn't always the best basis for developing a frindship\relationship so hopefully you can learn from this. Don't give up drink but if you both are passing out then how can either of you confidently remember what you said or what you actually did sexually. I would use this as a big learning curve and hopefully you can move on.