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Advice for my friend at work

PostPosted: Mon Aug 22, 2016 7:12 pm
by razbo
A female friends at work 21 old mum has been in a relationship for 8 month now 1 month after giving birth. She likes to talk about her self and her boyfriend a lot at work (very intimate stuff). On Tuesday she proclaimed she was in love with her bf but on Wednesday she hated all men and was talking about dating old guys but by Friday they had made up. It turns out her bf went out for drinks with his mates and said he'd pop round her's around 10 however he stayed out and when he didn't turn up and my friend found out he'd been tagged in a club she tried calling him but could not get a reply. When he did turn up at her's at 3 she ignored his calls and would not let him in so he fell asleep on the wall outside until she came out to find him. Just wondering what people make of this story as her bf is due to go away on deployment for 6 months he being a soldier, how do you think she will cope and what advise would you give that I can pass on? please be brutal.

Re: Advice for my friend at work

PostPosted: Mon Aug 22, 2016 10:03 pm
by David020549
If the boyfriend is a "squaddie", barrack room camaraderie is a big part of his army life, bonding with his mates is par for the course and often involves long drinking sessions. Going home early to see the girlfriend is not the done thing and even if he wanted to his mates would have said " one for the road" and another and another.

She should not expect him to change while he is in the army, that's the way it is for a service girlfriend

Re: Advice for my friend at work

PostPosted: Tue Aug 23, 2016 5:58 pm
by razbo
Yeah not sure she has thought this out long term, or thought that far ahead. Tried telling her nicely that she must be prepared for long term separation and with no warning.

Re: Advice for my friend at work

PostPosted: Wed Aug 24, 2016 8:41 am
by snail
The relationship is clearly unstable, or at best immature. She would be better off devoting herself for the next few years to bringing up the child, which will be demanding enough as a single mum. The child will be badly affected by constant conflict or instability between the significant people in its life, starting from the first moment it can remember. If she can't give the child a completely stable step-father figure with whom she's having a loving and healthy relationship, she should remain single, or at best date extremely casually and ensure the child never knows about it. When the child is a little more independent, she will still be a young woman with plenty of time to find someone.

Re: Advice for my friend at work

PostPosted: Wed Aug 24, 2016 12:32 pm
by Mrconfused74
I agree with snail! She is clearly immature and not ready for a relationship, especially one that involves a child. Her priority should be the child's health and wellbeing, not where her bf is. I take it he isn't the child's father due to length of relationship, an child's age. In which case he has no responsibility to it at all. So if he decides to see his mates then that's what he'll do. He's obviously young too, an being away for months at a time isn't the stable relationship she or the child would need. So yes tell her to concentrate on the child, have a relationship if she needs too, but away from her child.

Re: Advice for my friend at work

PostPosted: Wed Aug 24, 2016 5:44 pm
by razbo
This was my view when literally less than a month after giving birth she was dating this current bf, I advised give it 6 mth to a yr before you start dating serious candidates for a step farther roll and concentrate on your child but... if I had to describe her in three words they would be insecure, inexperienced and self obsessed as well as immature (for a young mum). when she came to work saying they had had a falling out and she explained and said I hate men the day after she had said she was in love, my response was "maybe its you". I don't want to be harsh but sometimes its the only way if not the best way and yes the current bf is not a child's dad.

Re: Advice for my friend at work

PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:38 pm
by razbo
I mean here is a girl who has in 4 days gone from love to hate to love and the bf has plainly taken her back, what does that say about them?

Re: Advice for my friend at work

PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2016 9:11 pm
by razbo
I give up she is impossible and on a collision corse with breakup city. Today I had a conversation with her in witch she told me she gets angry with her bf when he falls asleep and wakes him up by pouring water on him to ask him why he's not having sex with her and that he's going out with his mate's again this weekend and that this makes her jealous, and oh yes he's bought me an ipad how much is it worth I need to know so I can get him something. Its depressing to watch.

Re: Advice for my friend at work

PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2016 9:59 pm
by Mrconfused74
Seems to me you have two options! First you tell her straight she's being immature, she needs to put her kid an herself first and stop worrying about having a relationship, because she clearly can't handle being in one.
Second you tell her you can't help her, you don't want to know about her problems as she won't listen to your advice.

Both are harsh, but sometimes people need to hear the truth, she may well not talk to you after, and to be honest that might not be a bad thing, but chances are soon as it goes wrong again, she'll be back for help!

Re: Advice for my friend at work

PostPosted: Sat Aug 27, 2016 9:17 am
by Tarantula
You have absolutely 0 influence in this situation. You might as well be talking to a brick wall.

This isn't just immaturity. This girl has deep-seated issues coupled with an apparent unwillingness to address them. And the kid will suffer.

Another one bites the dust.

I don't enjoy being cynical, but if you take the first of the above options, do you think she'll go 'hmm, although my ego dislikes the content of what you've just said, I respect you for telling it to me straight and humbly agree that I ought to take that advice on board with immediate effect'?

Or will she just decide that you're stuck up/jealous/bitter/patronising/fat and insecure/trying to 'get' at her and stop speaking to you?

The second option given by Mrconfused is better. It sets a boundary which, although tough in essence, stands a better chance of making her stop and think about where her life is going.

But probably not. Chances are she is very much on her road with or without your, my, or anyone's opinion. She needs profound change and this can only come from within, at first. I've heard parents say that having a kid made them up their game. But I can see that this is not the case here. So if the massive life change and new responsibility of raising a little one didn't inspire her to get her act together, nothing you say will.

So better from your point of view to move on from this 'friend'. She can't exactly be a good influence on you, either.

Re: Advice for my friend at work

PostPosted: Sat Aug 27, 2016 11:14 am
by razbo
I'm inclined to agree with Tarantula she probably won't listen to anything I say and will probably end up with nothing but it will be everyone else's fault. She needs to put the brakes on before its to late and take a look around her.

Re: Advice for my friend at work

PostPosted: Sun Aug 28, 2016 6:58 am
by David020549
Razbo, I don't think the thread is going in the right direction to help this girl, she is certainly young and inexperienced but what she needs is a friend who will "enlighten " her how to handle men not to tell her she is immature. As she has a young baby and is a work friend presumably her mum looks after baby which is good, however she will not be discussing men the way she does with you, so she will listen to your advice.
The soldier boyfriend is really not that different to a great many young men, at least he has a regular job and an aim in life although the periods when he is on posting will be hard, service wives and girlfriends have always had to endure the agony and worry when their men are are away.
Her expectations of young men is far too high most of them put mates first, cars or bikes second and girlfriends third if they are lucky, she us only going to move up the pecking order by being more attractive than the alternative, chucking water over him is not going to endear her to him.
It's not easy for a girl with a baby to find a decent boyfriend many young and not so young men only want casual sex, she needs to make sure she looks after her appearance, controls her temper and tolerates his competing activities and she will find her soulmate.

Re: Advice for my friend at work

PostPosted: Sun Aug 28, 2016 11:23 am
by razbo
Yeah I see your point, it just gets so frustrating like all she hears is what she wants to hear. She is I grant you young and a bit of an air head and has to be the centre of attention, she's pretty enough if not on the skinny side. We talk about random stuff but this subject keeps cropping up for instance oh my bf is so great we do this and he dose that but then she'll immediately say but when he goes out with his mates I'm jealous. Don't get me wrong I'm here for her but...

Re: Advice for my friend at work

PostPosted: Sun Aug 28, 2016 1:00 pm
by Tarantula
From what you've told us, as I said, you can't influence this situation by giving advice that she is totally unreceptive to. Best thing for you, and her, is to set boundaries and let her figure it out on her terms - which is the only time anybody ever figures anything out.

Deep-seated issues. You didn't cause them. If she ever seems to genuinely appeal for your insight, then give it to her; but if all it is is workroom chatter then you'll achieve nothing by bothering to reach out, except stress for yourself when you realise how utterly futile it is (and when she probably decides that you're part of the problem).

You've said she hears what she wants to hear.. since you're the one who knows her, and we don't, we have to take that statement on face value.

She pours water over her bf when he is sleeping and asks why he isn't having sex with her. This is not somebody who's interested, at this point in time, in genuinely improving her life. Some people just want to be a victim, y'know? It's the whole 'comfort in misery' thing.

Maybe one day she'll calm down and re evaluate but as I say it'll be in her own time.

Re: Advice for my friend at work

PostPosted: Sun Aug 28, 2016 8:39 pm
by razbo
Your right she dose have some deep issues that she has to address before she can move forward and being to improve her life. I don't want her to think she has to be a victim and would rather see her take comfort from being happy