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Still in love with and used by ex

PostPosted: Mon Sep 05, 2016 8:06 pm
by lozzys85365
Me and my ex broke up 10 years ago after i found out he cheated on me. For the next year we continued seeing each other but were not together, i was living abroad at the time and found that our toxic relationship had to be severed so i came home. For the next few years i would go over now and then and stay with him or other friends and ultimately we would fight over me finding messages from other girls or him hating the ammount i went out or drank. He was violent once. Then one winter i recieved a message telling me he was getting married and finally felt i would be free. That wasnt the case he still insisted on paying for me to go back over to be at his beck and call a few times a year. Then i found out he had a child and selfishly this still didnt stop things. Now i am 30 years old still single and without children because of the hold this man has over me. I have tried to cut contact changed phone numbers but he always tracks me down.its like hes mildly obsessed with me and when i see him i get sucked right back in. I know what i am doing is wrong and i dont want to spend my life being this mans mistress, what should i do

Re: Still in love with and used by ex

PostPosted: Wed Sep 07, 2016 12:10 pm
by Tarantula
I think, if you have already been stuck here for ten years (ten YEARS?!?!?! You can never get that time back, not ever!!), then it's unlikely that you will read what I say and take it on board. But I will try anyway.

You need to take responsibility for your own bad decisions. None of this could have happened without your consent. You let him treat you as the ultimate side dish, after he already cheated on you to begin with. Don't mistake a lack of closure for a lifetime connection, please. Do you honestly think that he wants you for anything more than a you-know-what dump?

If my language is harsh, it's 'cause I want you to wake up. I don't know anything about your background, but I imagine it's full of life events and situations that have robbed you of your self esteem. No self respecting person would allow themselves to be treated the way he has treated you over the years. He doesn't want you. He just wants you to want him. He needs it for his fragile ego too.

So, my advice is, step away from his FB page and ask yourself, 'why is this good enough for me?' At thirty you can still turn it all around and end up happily married with kids - if you want that. But you have wasted a whole decade of your life with this toxic person. Why? Why do you think that you don't deserve a real relationship?

You must go no contact with this guy and stick to it. Don't ever go back again, you have to mean it. Just tear it all apart and start new. Whilst you may find his persistence flattering, it really isn't you he wants. He just needs to know that you're available. If it was you he wanted and respected, he would have been loyal to you in the first place. You're just a hole to him, don't forget it. Don't kid yourself anymore. And I feel sorry for his wife too, whoever she is, thinking she's getting a better deal. And, as always, the child suffers the most, as he or she grows up with a messed up view of relationships from observing his parents'.

There's so much you can do to improve your situation. You can focus on yourself, your career, your friends. You can read books all about codependency and going no contact and building self confidence - from people who have been where you are. So much has been lost. And there is so much more left to lose. It is completely your choice which way you want your life to go.

Let me be the last to say... please don't stay.

Re: Still in love with and used by ex

PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2016 8:26 pm
by rufio89
Cut him off. Completely. He's toxic, this "relationship" is toxic and although he's clearly far MORE in the wrong, it is an absolutely terrible thing to do to sleep with someone elses husband.

This isn't good for you, it isn't fair on her and it's all round just terrible. There's no magic trick to the situation other than just STOP TALKING TO HIM. You can't be his friend, you can't keep casual contact, just cut him out.

Read what Tarantula said and take heed. She and I have both been in toxic relationships where we kept going back even though we knew we shouldnt so BELIEVE US when we say we understand how hard it can be, but it's the only way. Cold turkey.

Re: Still in love with and used by ex

PostPosted: Fri Sep 09, 2016 2:38 pm
by fairy of darkness
I too have been in a toxic relationship and been used and manipulated. My situation lasted on and off 3-4 years and I have finally got her out of my life by blocking every single entry she may have to finding me. I am shortly moving cities as well (not because of her) but this will obviously help continue my distance from her.

I can honestly say I have never felt so free, so relaxed and I am really starting to like who I am. I started to see a therapist to figure out my self esteem issues as well as my self destructive habits. It SUCKS cutting people out, I know you say he tracks you down but you will have to go to extreme lengths to cut this man out. Block anyone who knows you and him as couple or anyone who knows him or may still be friends with him. That is his easy access route to you. Change your number again and keep it to yourself and close friends. Perhaps even create new social media accounts under a different name, I spell my name incorrectly online with my surname backwards so that no one can find me if I don't want to be found.

I hope you can realise that you're worth more than that, his hold over you isn't real it's all just psychological. You owe it to yourself to do whatever it takes to move on, away and upwards.

Toxic relationships are so common but I fear the longer you let this go on the less chance you have of breaking free.

Be brave. Be happy. Be free.

Re: Still in love with and used by ex

PostPosted: Sun Sep 11, 2016 10:57 pm
by Trevaskiss
I've very recently (within the last 2 weeks) walked out on, and walked away from an extremely toxic relationship and as Tarantula, Rufio and Fairy of Darkness will tell you - it will be one of the hardest hardest things you can do.

It is hard, and the temptation to go back when they come crawling can be overwhelming, but once you've broken away from it, you'll feel so so much better, it'll take time and it won't be easy.

Good luck, and I truly do hope you can make that break - as everyone has been trying to tell me - you're worth so much more.