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A very French love affair...

PostPosted: Wed Sep 07, 2016 8:58 pm
by daisybw1
**I'm so sorry it's long!!**

I am 25 years old and at a crossroads in life. I live in an English city and have a job that (just about) pays the bills, that I (just about) enjoy. I was with my ex-boyfriend, A, for 3 years and he lived here too, with our friend, M.

Following the death of a friend of A’s, he started going mad and I became unhappy over the last year. Around four months ago, I went to a friend’s workplace (a bar) and met her co-worker, H. There was an instant attraction between us. He is French and here for a year to improve his English. I went to the bar a few times and always felt the spark with H, but nothing of note happened until recently, when it transpired that he was having relationship issues as well. He is here with his girlfriend, D, and he has also been unhappy with her for a while.

One night, it was clear that me and A were over. I went to the bar, ended up extremely drunk, and me and H kissed for a few seconds. I was absolutely disgusted with myself, because A was still living with me, and because H was still with D.
H texted me a few days later to see if I was okay, because he too felt guilty. He has cheated on his girlfriend before, but he said that I really affected him in some way. Next thing I know, he has broken up with D.

While A moved out weeks ago, H still has to live with D as their tenancy (and time in the UK) runs out at the end of this month. He has some friends he could probably stay with, but it’s a tricky situation as they moved here together.

I have seen him every week and been texting him a lot, as well as a few phone calls – there are some crazy parallels in our situations, and I think we were helping each other through our respective break-ups. We have an almost psychic connection at times, and say what the other is thinking. He makes me think about things I’d never normally question, and vice versa.

We discussed sex, because we are both obviously physically attracted to each other. We had both been worried that it’s all physical and that we’re both rebounding, and he said if that was the case, we might have already done it. A couple of weeks later, we ended up sleeping together at my flat when M was away from town, and it was amazing. I felt so close to him, physically and emotionally. But then afterwards, he seemed really down and kept texting D – he had stayed out nearly all night, and was obviously worried.

He didn’t text me for a whole day, and I decided to phone him and see what’s up. I laid all my cards on the table, said I liked him and if he didn’t want to talk to me anymore, to just say so. He assured me that it’s not all about sex and that he does like me, but he feels bad about D and the fact that she hasn’t really ‘given up the ghost’ and still thinks they can be together. He told her he was with the guys, and felt bad about lying to her.

He seemed to appreciate my phone call, and the next day we were texting as normal again, and he seemed in a better mood. We met up a couple of times at his work, where all his colleagues know about us. He didn’t try to hide anything from them (apart from the standard PDAs – although he just laughed when they caught us).
One day we went on a ‘date’ in town, and ended up at my empty flat. Again, we had an amazing night together, but he had to leave. We shared several long, silent, sad hugs when he left and he told me he doesn’t want to go back to France. Once again, he went distant the next day.
Since then, he still texts me but he isn’t affectionate. It’s always me making conversation, and one-sided flirting on my part. I’ve seen him twice, and he’s always delighted to see me - both times at the bar (another funny night of laughing, kissing, flirting) and once after my ballet class, where I went in spontaneously on a quiet night. We went for a glass of wine after and had a nice chat.

He had been waiting for a reply from a job interview for Tuesday. If he got it, it would mean an excuse to stay in the UK – he told me yesterday that he didn’t get it, but claimed that he was absolutely fine and dandy, hadn’t expected to get it. He said he would decide either last night or today whether he would stay in England or go back to France – I haven’t heard a peep from him.

Can anyone shed any light on this? Or just an opinion on what’s going on? I don’t know if he’s holding me at arm’s length because he doesn’t know what’s going on with France etc., or whether he is hiding something. I know it’s hard to tell without meeting him. I am a suspicious person, and on those occasions we’ve had special chats, I have felt so connected to him and sure he was telling the truth.

It’s the texting I also don’t understand. I told him after we first slept together that I am always up for a conversation, but to tell me if he wants to end it all. He hasn’t told me anything. How can he call me ‘baby’ one minute and tell me all his secrets, and then act like he doesn’t want to know the next? I’ve told him that I don’t have time for mind games and white lies, and just to be honest. I have been honest with him. Our whole 'friendship' was built on confiding in each other, but he isn't giving me anything now.

Is there a chance that he’s just confused? He’s an emotional person, that I know for sure. He’s the type of person who goes into himself when he’s upset – although he used to phone me and tell me his problems and I would help. Not now, apparently – I feel stupid and exposed. I’m wondering whether there are other things about his relationship that he isn’t telling me. He has a few friends he could stay with – why wouldn’t he just move out? For me, it’s an absolute no-brainer. If you don’t want to be with someone and you want to make that clear, you leave. Even if you care about them and worry about them. Even if you are abroad together. One of his friends even lives in the same building and has a sofa going spare. You would leave. Right?

But then it’s easy for me. I’m in my native country, and A had somewhere to go when we broke up.

I have asked him a few times if he is definitely, 100% single. And he always laughs and says I can believe what I want. Unless he just feels so bad about D’s feelings being hurt. He said to me once that this is the worst thing he has ever done to someone that loves him. I understand it would be awkward if D knew the extent of mine and H’s relationship at this point. I think back to when me and H first kissed, and how awful I felt about A, at home with no idea. But D knows something - once she caught us kissing outside the bar at 7am. She was walking around looking for him because he hadn't come home. I was mortified, she stormed off and he followed her without looking back. So if they have broken up, and she saw that, surely she would know it's over?

After ballet the other night, he asked what I was doing on Wednesday because it was his day off. Then I witnessed him instantly regret asking. I saw it in his eyes. Today is Wednesday and nothing. Am I doing the right thing not speaking to him until he speaks to me? I know it sounds like one of the mind games I have just condemned, but I feel like I’m taking the hint. He didn’t make any conversation yesterday and didn’t even say goodnight.

So now I’m wondering whether he feels bad about having this connection with me (which 100% does exist when we are together) and is hiding something, or whether he is just gathering his thoughts on his day off, making the big decision about moving countries or not.

I can't properly speak to my friends about it. The one that knew H beforehand thinks the whole thing is really weird and literally doesn't want to know - I think the idea of her two friends having sex totally repulses her. My other friends know about it but it's all so emotional that I feel embarrassed explaining.

Any opinions? What would you do?

Re: A very French love affair...

PostPosted: Wed Sep 07, 2016 9:40 pm
by Tarantula
I would back very, very far away and go date someone else.

That's assuming I slept with someone who was still technically in a relationship, to begin with.

I think this is a rebound for him. I know that's hard to hear, but he now probably feels guilty from two sides: that he's cheated on D several times and that you're now expecting something from him. And whilst it's reaps able for you to expect him to stick to his word and be consistent with you, in his mind he's now stuck between two women and he's probably looking forward to being out of this situation entirely, even though he's perpetuating it by not outright leaving her.

He ran after her when she saw you kissing. That makes you the side dish. Like garlic bread. So I say, step up and move on.

By the way there is a high probability that even if you do end up together (the chances of which are much more limited now that you've slept with him), he will cheat on you too.

Sure, you feel a connection, chemistry, spark, secrets (I'm sure he has a few), whatever. But let's flip the situation:

If you felt all those things for someone, wouldn't YOU just move out and move on to them quick, before they change their mind? If you were really into someone, wouldn't you want to just go for it with them? Or would you leave them hanging?

It's very simple really. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. He probably does have some genuine care for his gf and feels very guilty now, and uses the opportunity to distract himself from those feelings and from having to make a decision, whenever you're available and he feels like it, He kinda knows you're not going anywhere. You've made that clear.

All things considered, move on.

Re: A very French love affair...

PostPosted: Wed Sep 07, 2016 9:54 pm
by snail
I'm afraid I agree. HIs behaviour after sex shows he is trying to keep some distance between you - the sex brings you closer and he then counteracts that by moving away emotionally. That's not good.

daisybw1 wrote: He said he would decide either last night or today whether he would stay in England or go back to France – I haven’t heard a peep from him.

That's a pretty clear indication of how involved he feels with you.

daisybw1 wrote:I have asked him a few times if he is definitely, 100% single. And he always laughs and says I can believe what I want.

That's an awful reply. Would you reply like that to someone you really cared about and saw a future with? Or would you rush to reassure them? Plus it shows he clearly isn't 100% single.

I also agree about his running after D and not staying with you - it shows that she is more important to him. I'm sorry, but I do agree you should move on and find someone who really thinks you are fantastic and doesn't want to let you go.

Re: A very French love affair...

PostPosted: Wed Sep 07, 2016 9:57 pm
by daisybw1
You are both right - his reaction after being caught by D had literally occurred to me just before I posted, but it is quite an important part of it. And flipping the situation on its head is also a great way of looking at it...if I was in his position, and had strong feelings for someone, I wouldn't even entertain the idea of going back to France. Why would I go back to a place I left with someone I don't want anymore?

As I read your messages, he texted...if he doesn't tell me he's staying then I'm going to cut him loose. Thank you so much for reading and for your advice! Massive eye-opener. Wish I didn't feel like such an idiot but you live and learn...
Daisy