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Missing my exes kid and strangely my psychotic ex

PostPosted: Tue Oct 04, 2016 12:52 am
by goonygoon
Right, this is a long story. But i need to fill you in on the outline of the relationship to get a proper opinion on this.

I met my ex when she was pregnant, I didn't think things through we were just having a lot of good sex but we began to have feelings for each other, I ended up being with her, helped her through the pregnancy and was even there at the birth.

Things were good for a while until she started showing signs that things weren't right, she was very snappy with me, started going through my phone while i was asleep, she just used to lose it and throw things and even punched me in a drunken rage. Im very good at keeping my cool but the longer this went on, the more i resented her and the easier it became for me to flip out at her and shout just out of pure desperation for her to stop causing so much drama in my life.

She didn't have a good upbringing, her dad cheated on her mum and left her, her mum got depressed ended up on drugs, she didn't stand a chance really but I cared about her and her kid and wanted her to get professional help and work things out. Things just got worse and the relationship turned volatile, i started becoming aggressive to the point of shouting in her face and pushing her away when she got in mine and i am not like that at all, it really hurts to think back to those arguments but thats what she drove me to, and by the way I haven't ever behaved like that in any previous or current relationship so I know she was the catalyst for it. The baby father was an absolute idiot, low life druggy with a trampy family, she won't let him see the kid as she doesnt want it growing up around all that, I took on the father role from the first day, I was more than happy for him to see her but under our conditions and with us present.

Anyway things were not always bad, deep down there is a nice girl inside her, she is just majorly screwed up with serious mental issues, but she did used to let me stay at her house, clean my clothes, i did a lot of cooking and helped her clean, she was a clean person and diddnt touch drugs or anything. We used to cuddle and be nice to each other, a lot more to begin with and a lot less towards the end. I looked after her little girl from day 1 changing nappies, feeding her bottles, putting her to sleep, then helping her to walk and teaching her words. I absolutely fell inlove with her kid, When I would come home her little face lit up, she always knew who i was and I miss her so much.

Anyway I called a break on, things were getting too crazy, and she slept with her friends brother, who she claims he brainwashed her while she was vulnerable but it takes two to tango, she said she thought it was over between us but I remember feeling a sense of relief at the time because i knew I could get out of this without her having a leg to stand on. She stayed with this guy for a while until it went badly for them only in a space of about 6/7 weeks till they finally broke up.

Anyway I carried on seeing the little one when i could, they were fine with it, but then things started going badly between them and i was able to see the kid less and less. They finally broke up and I started seeing the kid more, for about 2/3 weeks by which point her daugther was nearly 1 and already walking and saying words, I stayed over on the sofa some nights but it just didn't feel right, I just felt like I needed to get away from her because it was becoming the main focus in my life, which should have been myself and my work. We had an argument one day and I said to her Im going and never coming back, and ill never forget I gave her kid a kiss and said I'm so sorry darling and left. That broke my heart doing that.

We spoke now and again on the phone but nothing major, i think she just wanted to know what i was doing and if i was seeing anyone. I met a really nice girl about a month after and we really hit it off, she's pretty, she has a good job, she speaks well and more importantly wasn't crazy. My ex kept asking me to come round and in the end I had to tell her i couldn't because i was seeing someone, she diddnt take it too well and has since played the guilt trip with me saying how could i do this to her kid and that we were so perfect and she wants her family back together. Really hurtful stuff that makes you feel guilt even though you haven't done anything wrong.

A few weeks go by and she starts getting on my case more and starts turning up at my work with the kid, begging me to come round just to see her and the kid one more time, when she wasnt getting what she wanted she resorted to finding out who the girl i was seeing was on Facebook and messaged her telling her to leave me and find another man that she's breaking up a happy family, luckily this girl was very understanding but soon it got to her and she called a break on which really upset me and i changed my number and blocked my ex from everything.

This girl was very good though and messaged me everyday to say she hoped i had a good day at work and after a week she wanted to see me. We have been together 3 months now and we are official. We have heard from my ex through her sending messages to my current girlfriend and recently a phone call to her phone while we were together which got her a bit wound up but she forgot to block her on her mobile, my ex was going on about a post id put up on Facebook which i shared a memory from last year and I had just wrote a status saying how much I miss the kid and that I'm sorry i cant be there for her but iv never forgotten her. Totally innocent but apparantly a friend of hers is on my friends list and screenshotted it to her and she obviously used it to get to me.

Now i am happy with the girl I'm with, she's really nice, pretty and I can see a future. But i cant help but miss things about my ex, maybe thats just because its early days. One thing i know i miss a lot is my exes kid, I posted a nice memory box to her with a load of photos and a USB stick with all the videos and photos of me and the little one, and there was a lot. I just wanted to know she still had a piece of me there and i told my ex if lily ever asks about me and wants to meet me i would be more than happy to, the only problem is now my current girlfriend clearly does not want me having anything to do with my ex after the messages she's sent and seen her motive.

I think of the kid every day without fail and its affecting me a lot, Iv had to stop myself from calling my ex to see the kid because i don't want to go behind my girls back she doesnt deserve that, but i really miss her. I don't know whether to seek counselling of some sort to help forget about her and move on or break up with my girlfriend and be single. All i know is that either way I'm going to feel bad because me and my current girl have not long been together and she really loves me and I do love her, I'm just confused i don't want to hurt her, on the other hand i love the kid like she was my own and a lot of people won't understand, but when ur there througout the pregnancy, at the birth and hold her and watch her grow and smile at you, you become attached and she felt like my own child. Its not the same as meeting someone with kids that have already grown up, what i experienced was amazing and would do anything for that kid, i would happily raise her as my own and provide for her. Sadly I don't know if this will ever happen, I could get back with my ex and things just go bad again, or she could cheat on me even though she has promised me if i got back with her she would never do anything to hurt me again and try to get help, or we could break up again, she could find a new partner and he might not want me around to see the kid, theres so much to it, i honestly wish she was mine biologically, then i would have a right to see her even if it meant being tied to my ex.

Thanks for listening, any advice or suggestions would be massively appreciated

Re: Missing my exes kid and strangely my psychotic ex

PostPosted: Tue Oct 04, 2016 2:23 pm
by Tarantula
Hi goonygoon. If your username is a reference to a football team then I'm afraid nothing can help you. :P

I will give you the benefit of the doubt.

It seems to me that you miss the child more than your ex, but of course, you associate them together. It also seems to me that the only reason you also miss your ex to an extent is this sense of what could have been.... if only it could have been different... was there something more I could have done..?

I admit, I don't have kids or any contact with kids so do not understand fully the level of your attachment to your ex's kid. All I can tell you to keep in mind is... she is not your child. I appreciate you've bonded, but you must learn to let go for your own sake, for your gf's sake and for the sake of any future children that you may have. There is no hope in going backwards. You've got to move forwards with your life now.

It goes without saying that I think your ex is the worst kind of selfish, using your attachment to her child to try and pressure you to get back with her. She needs help. For as long as you're wafting around in either her or her daughter's life, she will not get it. I understand totally why your gf broke it off with you. I wouldn't be able to handle my partner keeping things going with such a toxic ex. It would make me see him as a bit of a doormat to not put the ex in her place and move on with me.

Would you still miss your ex if there was no kid in the equation..?

If so, then I think this is to do with your need to save her... your gf sounds a stable, decent sort, but she'll never get your pulse racing like your ex did... on some level, you're used to the crazy and the drama. That's what is familiar - even comfortable - for you. But if you really care about the child, then you should keep your distance and encourage your ex to get professional help - ain't no shame in that. She needs to courageously face her own shortcomings and address her issues from childhood.

In a way, I relate to your ex, as I have also come from a no-chance childhood (sexual abuse by dad/abandonment by mum etc) and I get be very insecure in my relationship. The more I love him, the more vulnerable and needy I feel. The more is at risk. Then I worry that he's not who I think he is or there's some big catch. But. As much as I have a sob story, it's important that I do not drive him away with my insecurities. So yes, I am self-aware about that and taking steps to deal with my anxieties. Your ex should be doing that, not for you, but for her own chances at ever being happy in an adult relationship.

Also, I relate to you too! In that the person I'm with is my steady someone, he adores me (and I him), there's a real future there and he supports me - like how you describe your gf. But sometimes I feel numb and distant and can't quite relate to him. I also have some crazy exes who were clearly unhealthy for me; a small part of me is still letting of of the impact they made. I was a different person then. I was all over the place with them, lost in the drama and adrenaline and STRUGGLE. Now there's no struggle and I don't know what to do with all the free time!

This is why you should take your logic with you too, when it comes to love. You've got to think about what's best for your own mental health and wellbeing. Going backwards is not the answer and btw the daughter will suffer too, if you go back and it all goes wrong as you already know it will (it's a Jeremy Kyle case waiting to happen - don't be that guy). Let your ex take the time she needs to come to the same conclusion, hopefully seek help and change her life. Meanwhile, you too deserve to be free of all the stress and to draw a line under it all and move forward with someone who is better for you.

Your ex will likely find someone new who will 'play dad' to her child, which is for the best. It'd be confusing for the child to have multiple dad figures. I think you should genuinely create distance in order to move on from the loss by not continuing contact with the child and waiting for the symptoms to wear off - which they will - if you give it time, contemplation and sincere effort.

Re: Missing my exes kid and strangely my psychotic ex

PostPosted: Tue Oct 04, 2016 9:48 pm
by goonygoon
Hi Tarantula

Firstly, yes i am a gooner, im sorry we are such a perfect bunch we cant help it ;)

Id like to say how much sense your post made, especially saying I missed what could have been, I miss family life, i had my little family and it was beautiful, Lily was my daughter, just not biologically, and I will say to anyone who gets into a relationship with someone with children, make sure you don't get involved in the kids lives until you know for sure theres a future with your partner, its a lot harder to let go of the kids than you would think, I didn't know how much it would affect me put it that way.

But yes I think you may be right, I don't miss how volatile our relationship was at times, especially towards the end, and i think i just remember the good times we had and the nice things she did which are completely outweighed by the moments of pure misery caused by her psychotic temperament. I do think i still have feelings for her, but I'm not sure why, maybe its because I'm a caring person and I think i was the same about my ex before her when i met this current ex. I have cut all ties and contact and have not spoken to her in just over a month when i promised my girlfriend i would never speak to her again when we went on a break. She only popped up last week because my girlfriend forgot to block her number and she called her about the Facebook post but she has blocked her now. Hopefully this will be the last we hear from her and I can finally start focussing on work and my girlfriend.

I have booked therapy for this Friday with a councillor to give me some treatment which is more like helping with the loss of a loved one, in this case the ex's daughter. Im just accepting the fact that having my ex in my life will only cause problems and i don't want that for me or the kid either. I have left her with a little memory box with photos and a usb with photos and videos of me and her, I wanted to do that just so atleast a piece of me stays with her and she can know that I loved her and hopefully her mum will explain that I looked after her and who knows maybe one day when she's old enough she will get in contact but I'm not thinking about that, she's only 1 and theres a good chance i will be forgotten.

Thanks again for the response, Im hoping this grieving over my exes kid doesn't last too long and I can get back to being happy in life.

Re: Missing my exes kid and strangely my psychotic ex

PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2016 12:36 pm
by Trevaskiss
Hi Goony,

I, myself, have literally just walked out of a volatile, mentally abusive relationship and even though there are no kids involved (neither of us have ever had children), it was the hardest hardest thing I have ever had to do (aside from burying my Mum).

I am so with you on what you miss and what you don’t miss. Just the other night I was talking to my Dad about some of the things that ex and I used to do together and it was stuff which we both enjoyed doing, and I got really sad and burst into tears. It’s only been just over a month, but this week everything has hit me hard in the face. I miss what could have been too – you know he promised me the world, a happy life, going places together and doing nice things and as we were both childless (in our 40’s), we were going to get a dog too – just to complete our family and that to me was perfect.

Yet, just like you, the bad far far outweighed the good and each time he got nasty to me, a piece of the love I had for him chipped away, not to mention my weight. I still have feelings for my ex, I still love him, but I am not in love with him anymore and it was being in love with him that made me stay (even though I tried, and failed to leave on several occasions before that).

I honestly think I bought some of it on with him (as he says he’s never been like this with any of his previous relationships/marriage), but to continue it the way he had was totally wrong. Even having a go at me about things that happened over 2 years ago, which I think is totally wrong. Have a go at me at the time, yes, but not 2 years down the line.

Stay strong, and well done / good luck for going for therapy. I’m considering it myself to be honest as I am a totally shadow of who I used to be and even though I’ve come a long way in 4 weeks, I still have miles and miles to go. Have spoken to the doctor about anti depressants, but as I have an on going heart problem, I have to undergo some tests first – grrr!

You’ve got a new girlfriend to focus on right now too, and she sounds like she’s very understanding. Fingers crossed, there will be no more contact from your ex from now on.

Re: Missing my exes kid and strangely my psychotic ex

PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2016 1:51 pm
by goonygoon
Hi Trevaskiss

Seems very familiar. Thats exactly what made me leave, she wasnt getting any better she was getting worse, she was very snappy with me and used to get aggressive and swear at me over nothing, things that aren't worth arguing about to that extent, and also the constant accusations and harassment. When i left the house to try and diffuse the situation she wouldn't let me leave, and if i did id get phone call after phone call and it was just madness. She used to blackmail me with things and I just have to think about all of that to make sure i don't go back there. Its sad because we could have had something good, she had her own house due to the baby and I was more than happy to provide for them both, i loved them both and miss family life, her kid was just getting to the stage where she was walking and trying to say words and was an absolute sweetheart, I adored her. I am a month into cold turkey and just like you its hit me, but i know its for the best and hopefully soon i will be in a much better place. My new girlfriend has been great, she deserves so much from me and I will focus on making our relationship a happy one.

I wouldn't go on anti depressants, Instead have you thought of joining the gym? starting a hobby? Or maybe starting a new business venture? Iv found gym really helps and where i own a music studio i am focussing on the business and taking things further with it. Its really helping keeping focussed on other things.

Hope you come out the other side soon

Re: Missing my exes kid and strangely my psychotic ex

PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2016 2:48 pm
by Trevaskiss
Hey Goony

That all sounds far far too familiar to me – everything you’ve typed about the accusations, the constant calls, texts etc are what I’d been through.

Several times when I tried to leave the house, he would stop me, or he would throw me out – tell me to leave the house and literally grab me by the arm and pull me downstairs. And the trouble is, I bruise easily, so you often saw bruise marks on my arms. Yet when he kicked me out, he then tried to stop me by saying “Is this what you really want?”.

The trouble I had was that we were living together and we had re-located 200 miles away from anyone I knew. He was more local than me as he was originally from the north, moved into my place down south and then we both rented a house back up north again. So when things got bad, I had no one to go and see, or stop with and on the nights where he did kick me out and I got a hotel, I was then accused of all sorts.

I was thinking of a gym, only I don’t want to lose any more weight – I want to gain some (stress caused a massive weight loss), but I’m unfamiliar with the area I’m living at the moment as I’ve moved in to my Dads. Also trying to stabilise myself with work – I have a 3 month temp job, but trying to get something longer term or permanent so I can start planning things and eventually move out of Dads.

Re: Missing my exes kid and strangely my psychotic ex

PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2016 5:05 pm
by goonygoon
Yeah don't do much cardio if any at all, try some light weights, download the app BodySpace on your phone it gives you some weekly excercises to do and even has videos for each excercise so you know how to do it properly. Iv found today has been a good day because iv kept really busy. I still have thought of my ex and her kid but it hasn't been as damaging today. Onwards and upwards !

Re: Missing my exes kid and strangely my psychotic ex

PostPosted: Thu Oct 06, 2016 9:06 am
by goonygoon
Well it's safe to say all is not well. Last night I kept thinking of my ex and the kid. I woke up this morning to my girlfriend telling me I said my exes name twice in my sleep. I really don't know what to make of this or what to do. I really don't know whether this is healthy or good to be in a relationship while things are clearly not well in my head.

Re: Missing my exes kid and strangely my psychotic ex

PostPosted: Fri Oct 07, 2016 2:30 pm
by Trevaskiss
Have you thought about taking your girlfriend to your therapy sessions with you?

It's very difficult, it really is. You're into your first month away from it all, so it's all still going to be very raw for you.

How did you get on last night? Has your girlfriend said anything? Having a volatile relationship like that isn't like a normal break up. It'll take time.

Re: Missing my exes kid and strangely my psychotic ex

PostPosted: Fri Oct 07, 2016 10:17 pm
by goonygoon
I did think about it but I wanted to talk to the therapist on my own first and try to make sense of things. Iv found myself missing my ex, I don't know why, she needs profesional help and my therapist agreed she sounds like someone who needs to address her issues and it will take a while with someone like her. Iv found myself stopping myself from ringing her and asking to see the kid, or even just calling to say I hope she's ok and I don't want to get back but I want to leave things on good terms so i could feel a bit better because i just remembered how upset she was when she wanted me back and I said I couldn't do it. Even though she did the damage to our relationship I still feel sorry for her and care about her.

I really hope this passes sooner rather than later :(

Re: Missing my exes kid and strangely my psychotic ex

PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2016 9:08 am
by Trevaskiss
How's things going, Goony?

Re: Missing my exes kid and strangely my psychotic ex

PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 12:13 am
by goonygoon
Not been on here for a while for reasons I'll explain. I did something bad, I didn't mean for it to happen but it did.
So I cracked and called my ex and said to her I wanted to speak to her and just clear the air and not have this hatred and animosity between us because I thought it would make things easier to move on. Anyway I wanted to see my ex's kid as I missed her so much, I went over hers and took her out for a walk and got some ice cream, when we got back I bathed her and put her to bed and my ex asked if I wanted some dinner which I accepted, anyway I fell asleep on the sofa sitting up with my head in my hand as I was so tired, she woke me up at about 11pm and said to come to bed (I know I should have left at this point) , when we were in bed she told me she loved me and missed me cuddling her and I broke. I feel such shame for what I did and I deeply regret it.

My current girlfriend knows about it and I have confessed to everything. She was obviously really upset and Iv had to do a lot to make her happy again, I told her so many times how much it hurts me that I did that to her and thankfully she has forgiven me and after 4 weeks things are ok again, i will never put myself in that position again I didn't mean for it to happen but it doesn't excuse my actions. I love her and she loves me and I see a future with us. The only proble. Is I still miss the kid a lot and I have recently seen her , my ex asked if I wanted to see the kid while she went to the hospital, it was so nice to spend time with her and I had no intention in my mind of cheating or anything so I know that my intentions are with the kid and not my ex. But I can't keep doing this and going behind my girlfriends back to see the kid I don't want to lie to her, but I know after everything that's happened she won't want me to have any contact.

Do I accept that if I want my relationship with my girlfriend to last I have to stop seeing the kid? Maybe I should it just breaks my heart because I love her so much she is literally one of the best things I have in my life she makes me happy and I feel a sense of pride and due care for her.

Re: Missing my exes kid and strangely my psychotic ex

PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 5:25 pm
by snail
goonygoon wrote:Do I accept that if I want my relationship with my girlfriend to last I have to stop seeing the kid?

Yes. I would say that was a given. If you slept with your ex (your post isn't entirely clear) then it's amazing that your girlfriend forgave you for that, and no contact is the least I would expect her to ask. You may not have intended it to happen as such, but you must have known there was danger when you decided to spontaneously contact her. And when you accepted her dinner invitation (after the child was asleep) you must have known that was crossing a line.

Your other option is to get back with your ex purely for the sake of being a father to the child. I'm not sure that would be a good idea, as it would not be a healthy relationship and therefore not a healthy example for the child. But it does seem to be an option.

If you are not a father or official step-father to the child, I don't think you should see her, for her own sake. It must be unsettling for her.

Re: Missing my exes kid and strangely my psychotic ex

PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 5:37 pm
by Tarantula
I'm afraid you don't really love your girlfriend. Come on now.

I can't say anything new, can only reinforce what I've already said but this is very disappointing. Through your selfishness, you are now compromising EVERYONE'S wellbeing: your girlfriend's, who ought to dump you as she's just a rebound whether you're ready to admit it or not; your ex's, who thinks she's getting you back when you say it's about he kid, not her, and of course the child suffers too from this on-off arrangement.

Typical goon. :P

Time to get right, let your gf go 'cause she's just being a mug now, cut contact with your ex and let her child grow up with some clarity. Move on. She ain't your kid and never will be, and you're only destroying your chances of ever being a good father by staying in this dysfunctional situation.

Re: Missing my exes kid and strangely my psychotic ex

PostPosted: Thu Nov 03, 2016 10:12 am
by reckoner
Hi Goon,

I am a new mum and my heart breaks for you because I can understand completely how you feel about this kid and how not being the biological dad must seem so irrelevant. If you didn't have a girlfriend, I might be telling you to find a way to be in the kid's life. But you do have a girlfriend and being in the kid's life is a big commitment you don't seem to be in a position to make (if you were I think you'd have found a way without asking us first) so I'm coming at this from another angle.

Everyone who sees my infant son says the same thing, how lovely they are *at that age*. Then they get to about 4 or 5 and learn how to talk back in rather testing ways. My friend has just had her second kid, her first has just turned four. She is finding it difficult to be patient with her first kid while having to tend to her 3 month old.

When they are very young they are so easy to love. The older they get and the more developed their personality becomes, the more your unconditional love is tested. That could be when the difference between being a biological parent and not comes into it if you're not 100% part of the family.

You may have a kid of your own one day when all the challenges of parenting will be a matter of duty rather than choice. The last thing in the world you want this kid to experience is a waning of your love and commitment, but I think that may be inevitable.

I loved the idea of the memories you saved for her on the flash drives. I think it might be best to leave things on that basis so she can contact you when she is older.

Best wishes.