Should I tell the truth?

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Should I tell the truth?

Postby confusedgirl13 » Fri Oct 07, 2016 7:50 pm

This is the first time I have ever written in a forum, and I never thought I would need to, but I am desperate.
I have messed everything up.

I had been with my boyfriend for around 2 years, he is a very confident, charismatic, kind and generous man, oh and there is a big age gap (I am in my mid 20s he is late 30s), but never bothered me.
If I am being 100% honest I have always loved attention, and do find it hard to be faithful in relationships. This relationship was one of the worst in terms of my lack of loyalty. Alex (my boyfriend) was more like my best friend / family, but we rarely had sex, i didnt even like to kiss him with my mouth open. Looking back I wasted a lot of time with him, it wasnt right, but I was so comfortable with him, we went on lovely holidays and could chat for hours, I didnt want to lose him from my life.

But a year into the relationship, I met Matt, a guy from my work that I had never noticed before. He is the polar opposite to Alex. He is my age, very quiet, sensitive, and quite closed. I dont know what it was, but he took a shine to me. Not many people at work knew I was in a relationship as I kept it very seperate, so Matt was fairly persistent in trying to get me to go out on a date with him. At first I resisted, and did my best to not let my natural promiscuous urge kick in. But it didnt take long before it did.

At first I wasnt overly bowled over by Matt. He was cute, and sensitive, but didnt really compare to confident strong Alex. I selfishly carried on dating Matt though, probably for the spark and exitemement of knowing it was wrong. Before I knew it, months had gone by. People at work knew us as a couple, we would even hold hands in front of colleagues, all the while Alex being none the wiser.

As time went by (Im talking 8/9 months) I became very anxious, how had matt not clocked any of my other life with Alex? Did alex not think I was becoming distant? I was very sexually attracted to Matt, and never had sex with alex, but spoke to alex all day long, whilst barely speaking to matt. I guess together they made up one boyfriend, but on their own they werent quite right.

In the end, due to sheer panic of being found out, I ended it with both of them, a decision my friends agreed with, pointing out that if I could carry on with both of them, I cant really like either. Life was simple for a little while, but still seeing Matt around work made it easy to slip back into seeing him. I missed him, his company, and familiarity. We began to see each other again and things were seemingly very good, it was a lot more settling only seeing one guy. Until this week.

They say the truth always comes out in the end. Well 'they' are right. I didnt cover my tracks, and whilst I was in the other room, Matt picked up my phone and read just a couple of the last messages frm Alex. Things like:

'I miss you, and love you, i still think about you all the time'
'I still have hope we will be together'

With similar replies from me. (I know its wrong). Matt is furious. He said he suspected all along as I told him that Alex was a very good friend of mine, and he didnt need to worry, even when we have been on holiday together. So I have lied again, I told him that Alex is an ex from a long time ago, and I should have told him that he was an ex too, but I was scared to.
Matt doesnt believe me and thinks that we have been together the whole time. I really dont want to lose Matt, I feel like I finally found happiness with him when Alex was out of the picture.
But I cant tell him the truth surely?
I have been lying for 9 months. He may go straight to Alex and tell him, who doesnt deserve the hurt either.

Matt says the only way he will ever believe me and the only way we can get back together is if he can speak to Alex and ask if we have been together this year.

So my options are the following:

a) Come clean, tell him the truth with the very probable chance that he will never ever forgive me and potnetially tell my colleagues at work
b) Set up some kind of fake call / email address and try and pass it off as Alex, hoping that will give Matt the answers he needed
c) Walk away from the situatin and hope that in time I can forget about Matt.

So that is pretty much it. I know it is terrible and I have hurt so many people along the way. I have learnt a huge lesson from it.
All I am wanting now is to salvage any kind of relationship I can have with Matt.

So what shall I do guys?
I really need your advice.

Thank you
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Re: Should I tell the truth?

Postby snail » Sat Oct 08, 2016 8:02 am

If you are sure you see a future with Matt (which I would question, given those messages to Alex after you had broken up with him and while you were with Matt exclusively) I would tell him the truth, apologise, and hope for the best. Any lie you tell Matt could very well be found out, as he is already suspicious, and if he finds out any more lies at any point in the future that will definitely be it for your relationship.

You should also think about why you did this in the first place - you are obviously not having fulfilling relationships, and you do not seem to have honesty and trust in them. That could be down to low self-esteem, or unhealthy ideas absorbed from watching your parents' relationship as a child.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: Should I tell the truth?

Postby johnay » Sat Oct 08, 2016 6:50 pm

Yes aim afraid you have to come clean with Matt. You need to end any connection with Alex and if it all goes tits up you need to move on by yourself. Maybe a completely new life on your own would be best if Matt can't cope with your revelations. Unfortunately we reap what we sow and now is the time to face up to what has gone on. I hope it all goes well for you and if it all finishes please learn from your experiences..
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Re: Should I tell the truth?

Postby David020549 » Sun Oct 09, 2016 7:23 am

The way you describe your relationship with both guys neither are a good prospect in the future, Matt in particular will be on alert for any slips, any unexplained time or careless comment will be suspect even if they are entirely innocent. For instance if you are late home from work, you may have been doing overtime or having a drink with friends he will question it.
If you are looking for a serious long term relationship, start again, learn from your mistake be loyal, honest and behave yourself properly.

So many on this forum get in trouble because of messages on their phone, we all have opinions or make comments or send messages that are intended to be private, if seen by the wrong person causes great damage or hurt. Please everyone set the SECURITY LOCK.
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Re: Should I tell the truth?

Postby Tarantula » Mon Oct 10, 2016 10:50 am

I've got a brighter idea than setting the security lock. It's called not cheating in the first place. If your relationship would end if your partner checked your phone, then it deserves to end.

Tell the truth. Do something right for a change. You say you 'know it's wrong' - so stop doing it, then. It's that simple. Don't be a 'it's so wrong but it's so RIGHT' utter cliche. This isn't a perfume advert. Come on, raise the bar for the kind of person you want to be.

Tell Matt the truth AND tell Alex. Why Alex? Because he deserves to know and not feed your ego anymore with them 'I miss you' texts.

I feel sorry for these two blokes and hope they run a mile. That'll give you some space to examine why, on some level, you don't think you deserve a real relationship.

Paddy Power says 1/100 you don't tell either of them anything, 'cause that's the easy option and that's all you've done so far. If you can't be loyal, stay out of a relationship.
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