Dazed and confused by (love?)

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Dazed and confused by (love?)

Postby toeknee » Sun Oct 16, 2016 6:28 am

Okay so I just need to put this down somewhere, I don't know if I'll pay attention to any advice given cos i'll make excuses, but I need to get it off my chest. I'm a gay male, just to clarify.

For months (possibly even years by now...) I've been meeting with this guy, first as a friend and nothing more, then we had a few drunken encounters, then he clarified that due to many many issues he wanted to remain just friends, so we're just friends. I think he's gorgeous, I love talking to him, I mean, he's different to guys I usually go for - (I'm going to be blunt about my previous tastes, I apologize if it offends) but based on my exes my friends've commented that my type is either opinionated, loud and funny, or pretty to look at with not much going on between the ears. This guy (I'm gunna give him a fake name; Paul) Paul, isn't what you'd call classically intelligent, (I really don't mean to sound as stuck up as I do there) but he knows a lot about exotic animals (like, expert-level stuff, not just grooming and general care etc), and cares deeply about them, but he often asks me for help when it comes to simple arithmetic and often has to ask me what words like "similar" mean, so he's not exactly mentally stimulating, he's attractive, certainly, but not in the same way as many of my more shallow relationships have been (if I cant be honest here where can I?) but honestly I just think he's gorgeous, I think a lot of its to do with how I feel about him, visually I can recognize flaws, but somewhere in my mind they just get changed into perfection. Anyway, my problem is this; because of his issues I was certain he wouldn't go out with anyone anytime soon, and he hasn't been, which is good, but I've discovered a part of myself I don't like in the process. I still want him, I don't push it and I don't tell him or anything cos I don't want to lose the friendship, but I'm getting clingy despite not even actually being with him.

Take this for an example: he's just come from someones flat to mine for dinner which we pre-arranged, we stay up late til the early hours (like really early, about 6am to be precise) watching films and chatting, then he tells me he's going back to the guy's flat. He tells me he "needs to lock up" cos the guy "left the door unlocked for him" I said "what? are you staying there?" as smoothly as I can, he says "no, he just left it unlocked in case I wanted to come back. he'll probably be asleep now so i'll just lock it, i'm having lunch with him today" and... well that's not normal surely? but he's had a lot of these sorts of friends who from what I gather and from his talking about issues he claims are platonic and just friends, but they're taking him out for dinner, spending all night with him several nights in a row despite the fact he hates people sleeping over, even his family and friends. I guess it'd upset me if he was dating them, cos then it'd just be ME that's the reason he didn't wanna date me, but i'd get over it, if he told me, but he avoids the subject a bit, if he's really just friends with all of them, I just find it bizarre. Its getting in my head because, I wonder if i'm just "one of them" when he's talking to other guys, and despite his apparent openness and simplicity, all he's told me about his secrets and his life is actually lies or he tells all of them, and he's just stringing me on like many others (he doesn't exactly string me along? he's been pretty clear) but i'm the only one stupid enough not to get out of there and distance myself.

I don't wanna talk to him about it more than I've tried because I don't wanna ruin how happy I am when I get time with him, but when he leaves I cant stop thinking about these things until I see him again. he gets very defensive about people assuming you cant have two platonic gay male friends, but I just find this behaviour strange, I mean I wouldn't invite a guy to my place to sleepover a few nights in a row unless he was in my main friend group (they aren't in his) or we were dating. Is that unreasonable?

Whats more is, he keeps telling me how he's not and never been interested in getting a boyfriend, that he likes his own space, that he doesn't enjoy sex due to his issues, but then he says things like "I'm so embarrassed about what happened when I met your friends, I honestly thought I'd ruined it" and I'm just thinking what?! ruined what?! he refuses to accept it was anything more than drunken mistakes but how can you ruin that?

I don't know what to think, I honestly don't. and honestly, not only do I not want to just cut him off because a part of me hopes our friendship might develop, not only is it because if I cant have him as a partner I still want him as a friend, its also because if I do cut him off then I prove to myself that i'm still so immature I cant have a gay friend who interests me and just appreciate him for his company, that I still expect more.
toeknee
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