Help / Advise needed, Angry Wife

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Help / Advise needed, Angry Wife

Postby daelimman » Fri Oct 28, 2016 8:15 am

Hi Everyone,

this isnt my kind of thing to air my dirty laundry in public. But i have reached a dead end and really do need some advice. I am married with a 8 month old baby. I am currently at constant logger heads with my wife. She seems to have great difficulty in controlling her temper. anything can set her off. Theres that much I dont even know where to begin.

The thing that's worrying me the most, is her resentment towards me, if i want to do anything independant she will go nuts and try make out that I have changed or and off out on a jolly. Small arguments turn into massive rows where she will kick me out of the family home, telling me this is hers and I own nothing. I work hard and provide for my baby and her children. I hand over my pay packet every month to cover whatever and ask for very little. She will refuse me access to savings when she says were over and will leave me out on the street with nothing but the clothes on my back. I dont have any family to depend on or friends i could stay with.

one example is this, I went into our local pub one evening after a argument, it was that petty I cant even remember. She was sending me abuse most of the time i was there so i chose to ignore her. She entered the pub and assaulted me in front of everyone and left. I have been spat at and called every name under the sun. I injured myself in work which requires a few days off, she now calling me useless and telling me I have done it on purpose. Nothing I say ever matters.

She will blame me for her actions saying she is responding to my bull??

On the flipside, when things are good.... there good, she can be loving and thoughtful and kind. Just doesn't take much at all to set her off. I have tried to make allowances with her having a baby this year, but now am begining to wonder.

I really feel trapped and have no idea what to do. any advice would be gratefully welcome.
daelimman
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Re: Help / Advise needed, Angry Wife

Postby snail » Fri Oct 28, 2016 9:56 am

I would class that as emotional abuse of you. Has she got much worse since having the baby? I'm wondering if post-natal depression, or even simply sleeplessness, is causing this. Does she need some help with the children perhaps - is she overwhelmed?

You will have to sit down with her when she is in a good mood and explain that you are concerned about how angry she seems with you, and ask her if she would be prepared to go to Relate with you. Talking about it with a professional would be a good start.

You should have access to savings, if they are yours as well.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: Help / Advise needed, Angry Wife

Postby daelimman » Fri Oct 28, 2016 11:49 am

Hi there. thank you for the reply. I have really tried with all these things. I have looked into relate in the past. I have evenue tried to sit down and talk. SHE just goes rite into a rage. Ie. She found 30 pounds in my pocket this morning and the accusations started.

She has even convinced me to give up a job and take another that would suit us better, this didn't work out. That's also my fault. She even denies telling me to move jobs.

This all sound so petty and mixed up. There's so much more to this. I feel so trapped. She says she was better off before she married me. last Christmas was terrible because she can normally Offord more for her kids.

Makes me feel like I am not doing my job as a dad and a husband.
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Re: Help / Advise needed, Angry Wife

Postby Tarantula » Fri Oct 28, 2016 5:44 pm

I would also class that as emotionally abusive. There's temper tantrums, and then there's spitting at you, embarrassing you in public, constantly pointing the finger and never taking responsibility. Does she ever apologise? Does she even recognise that she has a problem?

If no and no, and if you've already tried talking calmly and going down the counselling route, then I'm afraid to say you might need to move on. Marriage shouldn't have to mean that you're trapped unhappy forever. Abuse of any kind is a definite no-no. As snail asked, has she always been like this?

You say you don't air your dirty laundry... have you reached out to friends/family for support, or do you feel cut off? Feeling cut off from support because it'll make her more mad is a definite sign of abuse.

If this is seriously affecting your self esteem - and it sounds like it is - then it's crucial for you to take a stand and come up with an exit strategy if all negotiation attempts have failed. Is there any truth to what she's saying whatsoever? Not that it justifies her behaviour in any case - but have you admitted to whatever your side of it is, and she refuses to play along and also accept any blame?
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Re: Help / Advise needed, Angry Wife

Postby David020549 » Sat Oct 29, 2016 6:45 am

If your account is accurate she is well out of order and taking the p122, she thinks you haven't got the guts to leave and will continue to manipulate you while you stay. The scene in the pub showed everyone how far out of order she is, so you need to leave at least for a while.
So fix up somewhere to crash and next payday hang onto your wages, give her what you think she deserves, pack a bag and leave, maybe she will change, maybe not but I don't see a future as she is now.
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Re: Help / Advise needed, Angry Wife

Postby daelimman » Sat Oct 29, 2016 8:33 am

Hi Guys,

Thank you for the replys. I dont really get much chance to come online. Is she warranted in some of her paranoid thoughts?.... No, I dont have any contact with anyone really, just on my phone. I may speak to a small select group of people, she doesn't like me being on my phone too much and insists on looking through all my messages. I have now changed my password and told her that i have given her no reason to doubt me, I have nothing to hide and deserve some privacy of my own. This didnt bold well with her at all but i have to stick to my guns.

I am not without fault, who is, I may do some things that get to her, just like anyone else, its her reaction to them things, I may leave a dish on a saturday morning while I play with my son, who i don't see all week due to work. This is the kind of thing she will explode about. Me going to the pub probably isn't the brightest thing I could do after a argument, I get that. But I don't have anywhere to go or any local friends.

Last night I got to sit her down, its like she snapped out of it all of a sudden and wanted to cuddle and kiss. But I took the opportunity to tell her that she is pushing me away, and soon shes going to push me too far. I want to make this work, I dont want to leave, but I can only take so much. Sorry means little to me these days, She has been violent many times, and I have heard all this before. She says I cause her reaction, I dont think thats fair.

Thank you again for the advice, I do appreciate it.
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Re: Help / Advise needed, Angry Wife

Postby johnay » Sat Oct 29, 2016 4:33 pm

Hi I felt very sorry reading your account of how things are in your life. In my opinion you have every right to feel used and certainly abused in this relationship. You are not the reason for her rages and anger, it's her problem. I'm afraid that it sounds like a very serious problem that she has as well. Most mothers would be really pleased to see their husband spending time with his child on a Saturday and getting angry about a dirty dish is completely unacceptable. I'm afraid that you have to come to terms with the fact that you are suffering from serious domestic abuse. It's physical, mental and emotional abuse from what you are saying. And it's not you that's the problem it is your wife..Remember no person whatever their gender needs or deserves to put up with this and you need help. How you deal with this is difficult, but deal with it you must, before things get worse. You can't live your life like this and the children should not have to witness this sort of abuse either as they will grow up to think that being abusive is normal when it isn't. If you have tried hard already to make change happen and she won't come to terms with her problem then maybe it is time to make a stand. You will need to get prepared though.. You need to have some money to at least get by with and somewhere to go to if necessary. If I were you I would also log all the abuse that happens over a few weeks so that you have proof of her behaviour. It will also put things into perspective for you. You might see a pattern in all of her behaviour. If it gets really bad then you may need to leave and refuse to return until she tackles her unacceptable behaviour. This may be a hard path to take but once violence enters the frame then you need to guard your own well being and ultimately the well being of the children too.
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