Confused and a bit lost

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Confused and a bit lost

Postby Teacup29 » Thu Nov 03, 2016 9:41 pm

Hello.
I've been lurking for a little while, sorta trying to get some advice on an awkward situation I've got caught in.

I've met someone at work, and we work very closely. It was all very innocent - we are/we're really good friends, work on projects together, have coffee. Neither of us are in relationships, so nothing sinister there. A few weeks ago I went to visit his new house, have some tea. Nothing untoward - showed me around the area, had a laugh. Nothing else came of it, and we didn't really plan another "outing". Fast forward three weeks and he's invited me over for dinner and wine. I went, it was kinda flirty and easy. We cooked together, talked about our pasts (mostly elaborating stuff we already knew from work), and watched films. He asked me to stay over, and we shared a bed, but nothing physical at all happened. I left early next morning.

A few days later, I text him that I was feeling awkward about that night. I don't often share beds, in my knickers, with someone I'm not dating, particularly a male. He was nothing but gentlemanly but I feel like it's blurred what kind of relationship we have. Somehow, I guess to prove that I wanted us to still be friends, I invited him over for dinner. We cooked again, lots of wine, and I offered him my spare bed. He declined, texting me later that he was worried because he didn't want it to take the "assumed" route, and make things awkward. So confused by this point.

At work, I made the decision to cool off the Friendship/banter a bit as I do have romantic feelings for him. He said nothing has to change but I feel like it does. He's told a work colleague he's been on "dates" with someone, which if that's me, I don't think I was aware Enough to think it was a date at the time.

I just don't know what all this was/is. I'm going on a date this weekend with someone completely unrelated and I'm kinda torn. How do i get over work guy? Were we on dates? Now what? Hate feeling so lost :(
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Re: Confused and a bit lost

Postby Mrconfused74 » Fri Nov 04, 2016 10:58 pm

It is possible for people of the opposite sex to be very close friends, even to the extent that they can share a bed, have a good laugh, and still just be friends. I think what you need to decide is whether you can accept that? You said you have got feelings, as he told you the same? I think going on a date with someone else can be good,
It'll let you see how you feel, it might show him that you're not interested. So go on your date, and just be normal around the work guy!
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Re: Confused and a bit lost

Postby RebecaStone » Mon Nov 07, 2016 4:57 pm

He might be feeling like you. I'd ask him straight away.
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Re: Confused and a bit lost

Postby Celebritydiscodave » Sun Nov 20, 2016 12:49 am

I think it`s extremely unlikely, statistically at least, that a guy would wish to sleep with a girl that he did not fancy, a straight guy that is. I also think it highly likely that this particular guy is gay. Gay men, many of them, enjoy friendships with girls far closer than is the norm for their straight counterparts, more akin to the nature of relationship you might expect to enjoy with your closest female friend. He may be gay but at the same time prefer the company of females.
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Re: Confused and a bit lost

Postby David020549 » Sun Nov 20, 2016 8:39 am

There are two factors working here, you are friends and you work closely.

Friend Zone is a killer for romance if you are close to a friend of the opposite sex it is difficult to move on to a relationship.

Work Mates, if you do start a relationship, fine while it lasts but if it breaks down it will also break the working relationship, the usual result is the woman changes jobs or in some cases moves to a different town to get away from the memories.
Your guy probably had this scenario in mind when he did not make a pass in the bedroom, however much you fancy him you will probably never become lovers. But beware, if you do find a serious boyfriend he will be very jealous of any other male friends you have, so avoid getting too close.
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Re: Confused and a bit lost

Postby Celebritydiscodave » Sun Nov 20, 2016 9:50 am

It definitely would be statistically very far indeed from probable, (in theory, yes, of course), that a straight guy would sleep in the same bed with a"girlfriend", so in probability somebody that he finds sexually attractive, for he is sleeping with her, and then completely refrain from any physical contact for fear that it might cause strains in the office at some point much further down the line. Under usual circumstances, and as healthy, vital human males I`d contend that we are simply not made this way, the vast majority of us, and he certainly would not have shared a bed with you, at least it`s most unlikely, if he had not fancied you sexually. Giving you the wrong idea is as likely to cause problems in a working relationship as anything else. Unless, one, you had invited him to stay over and this was the only bed/suggested to him that he should share your bed with you, or two, he is indeed gay, He would have been creating potential for provocation just for the sake of it. Taking it that he is gay the suggestion of sleeping with you would have been far less likely to have been taken as an invitation for sex, and therefore there would likely have been little or no concern as to how it might affect your working relationship. Statistically most likely, surely, is that he is gay. However, we are all supposed to be individuals, and as such, everything is possible of each one of us.
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Re: Confused and a bit lost

Postby David020549 » Mon Nov 21, 2016 8:23 am

You friend may well be gay, or just have a low sex drive which is very common these days, or just being a gentleman, he certainly is not an alpha male hunk. You are not actually dating this guy, you are two friends enjoying each other's company cooking and dining together, you make no mention of kissing or cuddling or intimate behavior before bedtime, then you went to bed wearing pants and no doubt a shirt as well.
I think I would have been cautious in the circumstances, you could have cuddled up to him in bed and made clear what you wanted but you were being cautious as well. It is so easy to send all the wrong signals if you are a close friend. In contrast a date is just that, the aim is to enjoy the evening as a prelude to intimacy maybe that date or in the future and no complications.
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Re: Confused and a bit lost

Postby Celebritydiscodave » Thu Nov 24, 2016 10:35 pm

I do n`t disagree with that, low sex drive is of course a possibility, but it would under these circumstances in probability require to be seriously low in my view. If you do n`t want people to talk, and if you do n`t want the lady to get the wrong idea then do n`t sleep in the same bed. If you want more from the relationship then take a chance. If he were both a friend and a gentlemen he would n`t sleep in the same bed in the first place.

I would n`t necessarily make any "date" distinction however. I mean, what is a date beyond simply meeting somebody at a set time and a set place. You do n`t know what the other party feels for you merely on account of them arranging a place and time of meeting up. It can be most unfortunate, even terminating friendships, when one side experiences a proposed time and place arrangement as being any less likely to be a product of straight forward friendship than all the other friendship activities. In fact without time and place friendship becomes almost impractical. This is likely a product of the innate drive procreation imperative.
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