Getting my life together.

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Getting my life together.

Postby edi101 » Wed Nov 16, 2016 5:36 am

I recently turned 23. And I realized my life is in complete shambles, I literally have nothing going for me. I’m ready to change my life. The reason I’m here is because of something I’ve been struggling with for a while and its time this gets sorted out if I’m to have a better life. And that’s the relationship with my ex. Please bare the length.

We met 4 years ago in college. (lol some may know where I’m going with this) .it was our first relationship, we became extremely close, the best of friends, she was more than a girlfriend to me, we were always there for each other and truly the best relationship I ever had with a person. We spent a lot of time with each other and it was really nice. We were really happy together. The end of college meant we couldn’t see each other as much and after a few months she broke up with me. We broke up July last year. Damn I was such a little sissy, I cried and begged, wrote her long letters and did all the things you’re not supposed to do. After some time I decided it’s time to call quits, I mean the world was out there, I was her first boyfriend she never really saw other people and places so I manned up, wished her the best in university and went my way. Crumbled after a month though, saw she was talking to some guy on fb, called her told her I missed her, she said she’d call back but she didn’t. Didn’t matter though because that was the only time I initiated contact.

She messaged me a month after, to see how I was doing, then two weeks after that to apologize for breaking my heart, called and messaged for my birthday, then a week after texted more and called, she’d say things like I don’t know what the future holds for us, people break up and get back together later in life. Started to mess with my head, I came out and asked her if she wanted to start over she said she did not know. Again I wished her the best and went my way.

That was last year, beginning of this year now she was asking me about the stuff I got for her and if I wanted it back, I said no. then a few days after she wanted to know where I bought an earring for her she wanted to get back one. She always messaged for the stupidest things sometimes nothing at all. The beginning of summer she told my friends she missed me and inquired a lot of stuff about me about girls and things like that. She called, said she missed how things were, wished she could go back to those times and stuff like that. We talked from June to August.

Again she would throw around words like later down in life you never know what could happen and stuff like that. I asked her out like 3 times, she’d say soon and she’d come see me and just stupid excuses. Was starting to bug me, I told her I still think about her a lot and she said it’s best if I didn’t think of her so much. So I stopped talking to her. Then a week after she sent me pics of her dog, then she wanted to know about my family a week after, every week she’d message or call, always making contact sometimes just random calls to know about things in my life.. Last time she called was about two weeks ago, she said she was busy with school and stuff. I don’t think this is the way exes are supposed to be.

Now I don’t know what that’s been about, if she does want to be with me later, if she wants to focus on school, if she just likes the attention and the ego boost even though I never initiate contact, or maybe she hasn’t let go of our relationship completely. Whatever the reason I just don’t care now, I want to get my life together. Her actions never really shown a girl who wanted to reconcile, and the reason I stayed around and entertained the calls and messages was because there was a part of me who wanted to be with her, and still does. We haven’t seen each other in over a year, we were together for about 2.5 years and have been away from each other for 1.5. I really loved and cared for her a lot, and I still do, and because of those strong feelings I had towards her I haven’t manned up and told her that we shouldn’t talk so much because it bothers me. I still miss her.

I have nothing against her, I’m really happy that we’re amicable with each other, I pray for her, I’m sincerely happy that’s she’s safe, healthy, happy, doing well in school and her life. I’ll always want good things for her and she’ll always be close to my heart. It’s time for me to get started on my life now, and it’s best if I put this to rest. Either its over or it’s not. I’m writing this because I don’t know what to say to her, if it was up to me I’d be honest, tell her I still think about her and the times we had, and that it’s better if we don’t talk anymore because when we do those emotions just get amplified. However she takes it she’ll have to live with it, because it’s about me, my life.

Thank you for reading my friends. What do you think I should do and say here?????????
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Re: Getting my life together.

Postby Tarantula » Thu Nov 17, 2016 12:52 pm

Do you really want to change your life? Or do you want familiarity more than you want change?

(I love to open with provocativeness. It's what I do.)

Short answer: I think you should cut contact with her completely, send her a short closure message and then that is IT.

long answer: No onward dialogue no matter what she says, then blocking her number on your phone, on whatsapp, block on FB (not just delete, because you know you will be too tempted to check her public profile), block on instagram, block on twitter, filter her email address so it goes direct to archived and skips your inbox so that you can't be caught off guard by a message that sets you back and will only see any mail she sends when YOU decide to check - which isn't going to be very often (you can tell I've done no contact before, can't you?).

The last message you should send her should be something like this:

'Hi [ex name here], I'm sending you a quick message to let you know I've decided to stop being in contact. You meant a lot to me and I will always want good things for you, however it's time for me to move on with my life. Thank you for your time over the years. Take care, [your name]

Done.

Are you up to it? Can you handle it? Do you really want change, or something familiar? Familiar would be to send something like that, but then fail to block, and wait for her response, and have a big long drawn out War and Peace about feelings and memories which ultimately ends badly, spiralling you back into the same old cycle of resentment mixed with yearning mixed with confusion, depression and frustration. Where did any of your begging get you? Where did any of your sharing of feelings get you? All it did was feed her ego and lower your value in her mind - not consciously, but it's human nature to devalue anything that we don't have to work for.

However. If you can pull that off, and follow through, and stick to it in earnest, not only will YOU FEEL BETTER, clearer, a weight off your shoulders... probably, it will cause her to think twice. I'm not joking, and you certainly shouldn't do this for this reason, but, I'll tell you, if any of the many guys I've broken up with over the years dropped that on me... it would certainly get me thinking. It changes the dynamic entirely.

The thing is, if she wanted you back, she would jolly well say so. It's that simple. All she's been doing is trying to balance her desire to not 'look like the baddie' with her desire for the nice ego boost of knowing our ex still wants us (I've been there too). She's done you a disservice by staying in touch when she KNOWS how you feel about her. She knows. Stop thinking about ways you could reiterate what you've already told her. There's no combination of words that will get her to think 'oh, maybe it was a bad call'. The best thing you can do, for yourself AND for any chance whatsoever of her coming back, is to cut contact. IF she comes back, much later down the line, then I hope you would be in a position to turn her down. Imagine that. Because deep down, a part of you is agreeing with EVERYTHING I'm saying, is aware that she dumped you, that it is long overdue for you to let it go and move on. Plenty of women out there for you.

And by the way, please consider that whilst you've been pining away, she's probably been sleeping with other guys. She is single, after all. Think of that the next time you get the urge to be vulnerable and tell her your feelings. This is an ex. She's not an enemy or a bad person, but she is somebody who, having seen all your qualities, decided it wasn't enough for her. Maybe that was a sensible decision, maybe it wasn't - but if you were my son, or my little brother, or my older brother for that matter, my position would be clear. One last message, full block on absolutely everything, six months minimum. After six months you can unblock if you're feeling mildly curious but still under no circumstances can make contact. If she contacts you in any of this time, on ebay or wherever you forgot to block her, or through mutual friends, you ignore. Do not respond.

If she has any class, she'll respect your desire for distance at this time, and will not try to contact you. If she does, then you know it's just an ego thing, which is low status of her to do. My prediction is, she will try to contact you, to keep you in the mix, because she's grown so used to having you around as a comfortable pair of slippers. Don't be that guy.

Let me know what you think and if you're gonna do it, then I shall reveal all the things you can do DURING the zero-contact period to bolster yourself up, feel better, and be in a stronger position should she try to come back without a convincing explanation for why her mind has been changed. This isn't just about your ex. This is about YOU and how YOUR LIFE is going as a whole. I can't imagine that your own friendships, career goals or dating prospects are flourishing when you're stuck in emotional limbo with an ex. Time to jailbreak your way out.
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Re: Getting my life together.

Postby Celebritydiscodave » Tue Nov 29, 2016 9:58 am

That is very unusual, she performs virtually everything of a relationship, does n`t denounce the prospect of one, but cannot be entirely with you right now. It`s unusual because we are supposed to believe that there is no third party. So, Is she somehow trapped, perhaps trapped in some kind of sinister controlling relationship, just somehow on whatever level trapped, or perhaps she is just a relationship perfectionist. - Perhaps she is overly concerned about the small detail? Have you posed any of these questions? My best guess is that she is trapped, that she loves another, but that she actually belongs with you. Stay in touch with her because she might finish up feeling that she is no longer worthy of you. Should this occur it`s then too late for you both, and you`ll probably meet an accedingly unhappy individual down the line.
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