4 months until wedding but found partner had been sexting

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4 months until wedding but found partner had been sexting

Postby Emlouie30 » Thu Nov 17, 2016 11:08 pm

Hello,
I have been with my fiancé for almost 4 years, we are very happy and we have a beautiful 18 month old boy.
We are due to get married in 4 months time, on the weekend I found messages on his instragram account, these messages were purely about sex, they included photos and videos of my partner and ones she had sent him too. This has been going on for 2 months, they have had no physical contact in this time.
I kicked my partner out and he is a broken man, he has not stop apologising to me and he can't explain to me why he did this, I love him so much and it's so hard to just get rid of him like all my friends are telling me.
He is a good man and he has never hurt me before. We have had underlying issues in our relationship that we have never got sorted and I feel this is the cause of this.
Can people move on from something like this? Does trust ever come back? Have any couples been through anything like this and come out stronger?
Any advice would be great!
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Re: 4 months until wedding but found partner had been sextin

Postby David020549 » Fri Nov 18, 2016 2:24 pm

If you love him, give him a second chance and make it plain that it will be only one, then genuinely forgive him and never mention it again. An awful lot of men and women do this stupidly just because they can, because it is exciting and relieves the boredom of everyday life.
The pain you feel now will fade and as long as he treats you well your confidence will grow again, being together with a man you love is a lot better than being a single mum
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Re: 4 months until wedding but found partner had been sextin

Postby Emlouie30 » Fri Nov 18, 2016 6:13 pm

Thank you so much David.
Your advice is so great, my partner is so wonderful to me and we are going to see a relationship councillor to work out any issues and see a way forward.
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Re: 4 months until wedding but found partner had been sextin

Postby Tarantula » Fri Nov 18, 2016 7:19 pm

I'm glad you feel better Emlouie, but I would be very careful. He needs to be completely honest about what drove him to do that - you said he can't explain. Well, he needs to explain. He needs to be upfront about why he wasn't happy enough in the relationship. 'I can't explain' is not good enough. Or at least, it shouldn't be.

For me it would be a deal breaker because I'd never be able to trust him again. So I wouldn't be too quick to say how 'wonderful' he is to you. He wasn't being wonderful when he was going behind your back sending videos to another woman.

Give him hell, but be prepared to listen too, if he comes up with an honest explanation. It will require an uncomfortable amount of honesty from both of you to fix this......... good luck.
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Re: 4 months until wedding but found partner had been sextin

Postby Emlouie30 » Fri Nov 18, 2016 7:46 pm

Thank you, I completely understand where you are coming from, I am not giving him an easy ride by any means, I am not ready to have him back in the house and it's going to take time to build our relationship back up. I'm hoping that therapy will bring out the answers to the actual route problem that made this happen.
It's a really rubbish time but I am prepared to At least try because I feel our relationship is worth salvaging x
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Re: 4 months until wedding but found partner had been sextin

Postby David020549 » Fri Nov 18, 2016 8:14 pm

No, don't give him hell, you've made your point, there is no logical explainable reason why men a women do this it is just thoughtless stupidity. By all means use your tactical advantage to get him to help with chores, evenings out, child care, but do it in a measured way, subtle management of your man usually gets the best result.
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Re: 4 months until wedding but found partner had been sextin

Postby Emlouie30 » Fri Nov 18, 2016 10:39 pm

Thank you! I genuinely believe his apologies. The only thing that is driving me mad is that he can't tell me why!? What triggered it and drove him to do it.
Really hope the therapist can help with this!
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Re: 4 months until wedding but found partner had been sextin

Postby johnay » Fri Nov 18, 2016 10:45 pm

You state that there are underlying problems in your relationship and I'm guessing that was obvious before you discovered these texts. I think that you have both got to admit to yourselves what those problems are that you both were experiencing before you can move on and rebuild trust..It's my opinion that giving your partner hell and continually going on about this behaviour would be they very worst way to deal with it. I think you will kill your relationship if you deal with it like that.. From a male perspective I would guess that a man who has sexted another person is seeking some excitement and some sexual release. Men do that when they are often not feeling appreciated and are not sexually fulfilled. Men also do this if they think they can as well. It's easy I know to make these excuses but for many men an active physical relationship that isn't unbalanced is very important. I think he needs to admit why he has behaved as he has and you will need to be accepting of his reasons especially if he feels that some of it is because of any problems you both have within your relationship. Only if you are both honest and both want to work at improving things will it get resolved.. Yes sometimes we have to grit our teeth to move forward and sometimes be more tolerant and forgiving than we think we ought to. But if he is as good a man as you say then for you and your child it would seem a good idea to try hard to get things back together. It may take time to forgive but if you can't forgive then maybe it's time to part company..
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Re: 4 months until wedding but found partner had been sextin

Postby Emlouie30 » Fri Nov 18, 2016 10:56 pm

The underlining issue i speak of is that from day 1 of our relationship my partner has had a very low sex drive, this made me feel rubbish about myself despite the fact I look after myself, I work out, I make an effort with my appearance. Every time we argued, I always brought this issue up, I would say awful things like it's not normal, your not a man, men don't behave like this. I found that it was always me trying it on but because he was so great in every other parts of our relationship, I brushed it under the carpet. This is why this whole situation has confused me so much! The girl in question is not even attractive which insults me! She is also married with 2 children (I told her husband everything) she told me that for her it was an escape from a bad patch in her life (no excuse) this isn't the behaviour of someone with a low sex drive!?
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Re: 4 months until wedding but found partner had been sextin

Postby johnay » Sat Nov 19, 2016 12:38 pm

I rather feel that it's all about his self esteem and he's obviously very aware that his low sex drive is a serious issue for you to deal with. That you've criticised his masculinity with regard to this problem has probably undermined his self esteem and self worth. Its also impacting on your self esteem big time as well isn't it?I would think he's done this to prove to himself that he is attractive to the opposite sex after all. It doesn't matter about the attractiveness of this women it's more about being admired.
It's great that you take the time and effort to make the most of yourself and hope that he does the same. It's very difficult I know when a couple have different sex drives.. Is his low sex drive because he has an underlying problem? How easy has it been for you both to talk about this problem and have any of your talks resulted in any improvements over the years. How often do you expect sex compared to how often he expects it?? Is there a huge disparity or is it something you can both improve.Sometimes there's a physical problem behind a low sex drive and it could be worth having a doctor's input rather than rowing about it. Some folks who are carrying a lot of weight too also find their sex drive improves a lot if they slim down and feel much more confident... But knocking a partners confidence about their sexual performance can have a very detrimental effect. Men can be very fragile emotionally but they rarely admit that. I think that you definitely need that counselling as things do sound difficult for both of you at the moment. And this type of sexual mismatch won't go away and can continue to be a problem if you both don't get some improvements made.
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Re: 4 months until wedding but found partner had been sextin

Postby Emlouie30 » Sat Nov 19, 2016 1:09 pm

Thank you so much!
Me and my partner are both very healthy and active, we both go to the gym and eat well. In my eyes, he is the most gorgeous man in the world hence the frustration that I want him but he is not always in the mood or tired or whatever excuse. We have never been able to sit down and talk about this without it becoming a row, he is very sensitive about it all, we can sometimes go 6 weeks without sex! I think 1-2 times a week is fair but that doesn't happen. It's so irritating and I am nasty when I bring it up because it does make me feel rubbish about myself too hence being so nasty to him about it. Communication has never been wonderful and it's something we really need to work on, I am hoping this therapist will bring us closer than ever, and I'm willing to try because I feel this issue is much bigger than the cheating itself. And the fact is had so many opportunities to physical cheat but never did in the 2 months x
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Re: 4 months until wedding but found partner had been sextin

Postby johnay » Sat Nov 19, 2016 2:10 pm

Hey it's great that you are both fit and healthy. Certainly going to the gym and eating well certainly keeps folks as vital as they can be. I can see how your feeling when you've got a gorgeous and fit man in your life but are not able to sample the goods very often... Its obviously impacting big time for both of you and affecting both self esteems but in different ways.. Most human beings want and enjoy close physical and sexual intimacy especially when we are younger and I'm guessing still in your prime. For a man to have a low sex drive like this doesn't seem usual if I'm honest especially a fit younger man. As I said previously a trip to the Doctors may be a way forward as there might be some treatment available. I would think that it would be good to look into this as I'm sure he probably wants his sex life to be better than this. Many men want sex multiple times a week and your expectation of 1 or 2 times a week sounds perfectly reasonable and a lot more usual in my opinion.Would he feel comfortable about this or you suggesting this???If you both went and both asked a doctor about this it could open up better communication and closeness. But he may not feel comfortable about it if hes feeling threatened in that area of his masculinity. Counselling may be a good way for your communication skills to improve as well.. You both need to tackle your needs and desires in a way that doesn't undermine the others self confidence and worth. I'm guessing you are both in quite a down situation at the moment but I'm sure you could work things through as you both seem committed to improve where you are. In the end it's often about making an effort and making an effort for sex and love making isn't always what one partner wants but the effort can be very worthwhile when you know the other partner gets a lot out of it. Intimacy of all sorts certainly improves most folks feel good feelings a lot whatever age they are.. It's also not always a bad thing to state an expectation of intimacy on a regular basis...say on a Friday night and usually sticking to a certain schedule works for some couples..Somehow I agree that you now are admitting the true problem around all of this. His contact with this other woman I think was a call for help in some ways that has seriously backfired on him and made matters so much worse. Try and put all of that to one side and try to positively move forward to a better and more physically close relationship. It will however take a lot of effort for both of you. Both of you will need to feel uncomfortable at some point too but if you both want it to work then it needs tackling.
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Re: 4 months until wedding but found partner had been sextin

Postby David020549 » Sat Nov 19, 2016 2:50 pm

It is quite often the case that as a thread progresses the emphasis changes, Johnnay describes the problem very well, men have very fragile self esteem when sex is involved, if lovemaking does not satisfy you, making an issue out of it and taunting him will make it worse and he will give up trying. If you want a reason for the sexting, his lack of confidence with you is a good candidate, however he will never admit that because that will hurt you.

What to do?. You mention the gym and working out, on one hand it is good to be fit but is he spending too much time in the gym and tiring himself out, is he taking any "supplements", they will affect his sex drive. My suggestion is that you both give up the gym or at least restrict it to one day a week.

You are perfectly normal expecting a regular sex life, you need to set time aside for lovemaking, Friday evening, Sunday morning, whatever, it is time for each other.
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Re: 4 months until wedding but found partner had been sextin

Postby Emlouie30 » Sat Nov 19, 2016 6:04 pm

You have all been absolutely amazing and so understanding! Thank you!! I have found it far more beneficial hearing your responses on this forum more than the responses from my close friends!
I think you are both totally right and I don't think my partner is willing to admit to me that sex is an issue. I am pinning my hopes on this councilling and I really hope it works! Makes us stronger as a couple! I love him so much and I really want to follow my heart and get this sorted! X
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Re: 4 months until wedding but found partner had been sextin

Postby johnay » Sat Nov 19, 2016 7:41 pm

Well I'm sure everyone would want to wish you the best in moving forward. Marriages and partnerships don't always follow the road that we expect them to. Sometimes we have to follow our instincts and take a bit of a gamble. If it works then great and if it doesn't then learn from it. Learning from our experiences and moving on makes us stronger. It's very easy to be negative and to just not bother but if you give it all your best and put in the effort then noone least of all yourself can say that you didn't try...Good luck.....
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