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Girlfriend split up with me yesterday

PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2016 12:13 am
by Danb24719
Hi, new to the forum, would just like some advice.

I'm 24 years old and my girlfriend (ex) has just split up with me. Totally her decision, not mutual.

We were together for nearly 3 years and it was my first proper relationship.

This girl is the love of my life, the relationship was so much deeper than lust, this was also my best friend.

1 and a half years ago she moved to a university 200 miles away from our hometown. We made it work, although it was at times hard we knew it would be and it made me unhappy at times but what helped me get through it was that I knew we'd be together when she finishes.

Her second year at university has proved a killer. We weren't talking as much, we weren't seeing each other as much. We made sure we saw each other every 2 weeks in her first year. This year she said she's too busy to see me. She took longer to reply to me or ring me etc due to more work. This had a negative effect on my attitude as I did start to feel a bit like why am I putting so much effort in if I'm getting nothing back.

Yesterday she came home and ended it. Without any warning. So I had no chance to fight for us, she said she's been crying herself to sleep for a month because our relationship wasn't good. I asked why we couldn't have spoke about this so I could fix it. I offered to do anything to make it work for this girl. I would quit my football team and go see her every weekend, anything it takes basically. She shut me down and we've now removed eachother from our lives. Deketed off all social media and phone numbers deleted.

I am in pieces, I can't believe she's thrown away what we had without giving it a go at making it work. I trust this girl and she said nothing has happened with other guys etc but I can't be 100% sure with it ending so suddenly.

How do I get over this? I've never experienced this before. I'm not suicidal but I am in a very bad way. I can't sleep, lost my appetite and keep feeling the need to cry (and I'm not a very emotional guy). Has anyone experienced anything like this situation before? I know it's over but I just can't imagine a life without her. If anyone could give me some advice I'd appreciate it massively.

Thanks

Girlfriend split up with me yesterday

PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2016 9:49 am
by Celebritydiscodave
Possibly not as bad as you, but she may be still feeling it pretty badly herself. The thing is this, that actually you were likely overly emotionally involved. The name of the game in that second year was to love her more, but with less emotion, less of your ego. It`s much easier said than done, I know, but this has been the problem, and for you both. The second year was a direct challenge/test of your love. Less is more, with less emotional love there would have been adequate support, and support is what she would have both expected and needed from a person that loved her. She had both her course work to deal with, and you. So you likely became like an enemy to her.

What now? - Put all of this into your own words, if you mean it that is, and begin the process of loving her in strength, not weakness. It`s almost inevitable that you`ll require a calling off period first, so explain to her at the same time just why this is. For now try and preoccupy yourself away from thoughts of her. Remember, you have done nothing wrong save loving her too much. Put it all into a hand written letter, apologize for having not been the rock which was required of your love, and send her something on a gold chain, crucifix, or st christopher. Send with it something like these words. Just because I`ve been wholly inadequate it does n`t follow that I wont be wishing you every last protection, and every last good fortune for as long as life itself. My words must become your words!

Re: Girlfriend split up with me yesterday

PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2016 10:31 am
by snail
Yes, I'm afraid we've all had something like this happen to us. It absolutely sucks. When it happens, you can't imagine ever being happy again. The only consolation I can offer is, it will get better with time - you'll feel a little bit better every day as you get used to the idea, and things will get easier.

You have obviously tried very hard to be loyal and loving but for whatever reason the relationship was no longer right for her, and if it's not right for her then it's not really right for you either. Don't contact her (and certainly don't send her jewellery or anything, that would be creepy beyond words). For now, concentrate on the other parts of your life like work, your football team, and spending time with your family.

Re: Girlfriend split up with me yesterday

PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2016 10:45 am
by Celebritydiscodave
My suggestions are not made for reasons of winning her back, girls are particularly apt at being capable of ending relationships over reasons of practicality. But do n`t forget, she is suffering too. Silver will supplement gold, by means, this is an investment in closure, and with this your wellbeing. By these means you`ll have created something like a perfect backdrop to the environment of closure. Should she come back from this, it`s unlikely, and there may of course be a third party, you`ll have created more substantial foundations to your ongoing resumed relationship.

It is very definitely not going to be experienced as "creepy", this taking it of course that she did, so likely still does, love you. To send her a St Christopher, or something of this order, as optimally apt. She has loved you to bits, so she claims, it was a close relationship, closure is an apt time to create/reveal underlying perfection. "Creepy" is a totally meaningless term anyway. I came immediately back to complete this message after breakfast, but the admin got here first. This is very def not an adjustment made on account of prev post, but merely a continuation.

There exists many convincing contrary word combinations to my advice. Search for the truth in your heart.

Edit:
Just wanted to mention that "the admin" are also entitled to give their advice!
We've deleted the lengthy self-promotion part of your post, because this is about the original poster's problem, not about your skills. We've kept them safely if you want to use them anywhere else, though, just let us know.

peecee (admin)

Re: Girlfriend split up with me yesterday

PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2016 11:21 am
by Danb24719
Thanks both for your advice, I won't be sending a letter or present etc as the day after I did send a Facebook message saying I want to fight for us and that I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I never tried but she said she's made up her mind and not to message her as it will just make it harder for both of us.

Everything I do I am seeing/hearing things that remind me of her. I came to work today hoping it would take my mind off f her but it's made me feel worse.

I wouldn't go as far as saying I'm depressed but I'm really struggling. Hoping things get easier over the next week or so.

Re: Girlfriend split up with me yesterday

PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2016 1:09 pm
by johnay
Deep relationships that end are obviously always going to be painful. You are experiencing a physical reaction to your loss and believe me that is normal whether you're an emotional person or not. Many of us men don't realise how emotional we are and feeling like crying is perfectly normal. Crying is a good physical release for us when we lose a lover and its part of an experience that can be like grieving. I would not blame yourself at all here because thats not necessary or healthy. You've been supportive and backed up your girlfriend in her desire to educate and improve herself and you should be proud of yourself for doing this in a mature way.
But we all change when we go far away for Higher Education and new friendships and opportunities overturn all that we have previously known. So often new lives arise out of that move. Unfortunately in your relationship change has occurred and your Gf wants to move on without you and that's her choice. It's not been taken lightly by all accounts but she obviously wants complete closure now and you need to abide by that I'd guess. You are going to have a shitty few days and months but you will come through this. You will have a lot of ups and downs and emotional times. But it will make you stronger and try to continue to be the supportive man you are when you eventually find someone new. Being single again isn't always easy but try to make the most if it.

Re: Girlfriend split up with me yesterday

PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2016 9:34 pm
by David020549
If it's any consolation this is very common, couples splitting up during or just after University. University changes people it gives them a whole new perspective and this is regardless of finding their first graduate job which may be far apart.
Even couples who are together at university often split up, once the social life at college ends they just don't have the bond to keep together because uni was the bond.
It's really hard and if it's your first relationship it's the worst of all, she has made her decision now you must move on, as you are obviously a good guy ( or she would not have stayed with you for so long) you will find a new girlfriend easily and girls mid 20s onwards are looking for serious relationships with a decent guy not just fun.
When you do start dating again do not dwell on your past relationship, whatever you say will damage your a new relationship. On one hand you may seem to still be in love with your ex, on the other courting sympathy for being dumped will also be negative so a clean sheet will work best

Re: Girlfriend split up with me yesterday

PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2016 9:55 pm
by Celebritydiscodave
Definitely do n`t fight to win her back, stop immediately. it is counterproductive, trust me. Memories are the only thing that may sometimes bring one back. My suggestions were made for reason of correcting that memory, making it special, making it near perfect. My suggestion was meant to be put in place of this "fighting". Combining the two just wont work. I do n`t know exactly what the dynamics are, but add this to an already battle and all one is doing is adding to that said same highly counterproductive battle. The same goes for any and all messages you may have sent her. Doing everything just does n`t work. It sounds to me as though you`ll have to mark this one off to experience. Next time you will be far better prepared however, not that anyone is ever perfectly well prepared. You need to implement changes reasonably early, certainly before this time. Remember, more of the same is more of you, and when you step it up this is more of the same, because this is still you, only now you have amplified the problem. Intensity comes with expectation, and if life is already overly demanding one feels contained/trapped. The harder you fight to win her back the more certain you can be that she never shall return, and this is simply a reality of being human.

Re: Girlfriend split up with me yesterday

PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2017 12:01 pm
by 19ironside12
The best thing you can do is to not contact her in any way this is very important. If she still feels anything towards you she will eventually contact you, not contacting her is very effective.In the meantime just focus on yourself ,friends, hobbies and interests to help get her off your mind. If possible meet and date other women. If your ex still feels anything for you she will contact you eventually but don't wait around for her to contact you. By trying to contact her and beg for her to come back will put you in the "nice guy" I'm desperate zone , and as we all know , nice guys finish last.

Re: Girlfriend split up with me yesterday

PostPosted: Fri Apr 28, 2017 4:49 pm
by mattheejames88
A very similar thing happened to me 4 days ago. My girlfriend of 2 years (I've known her much longer than that). She ended it saying she doesn't love me. I contacted her again yesterday and she said I would like to be friends in time. I said to her I love you more than that, and if ever she changes her mind then to let me know. I am deverstated, because I know bring her friend I would see her move on etc. She has been married in the past, and she wanted it with me right away. I am trying like you to blank memories out but everything reminds me of her. Trying to stay focused on something else.