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I love him but not sure I'm 'in love'? Feeling so confused:(

PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2016 2:57 pm
by Krystal42
Hey everyone

I met a lovely man just over a year ago and I really enjoy his company, we laugh, we've shared interests, he treats me with love, care, respect, is loyal, faithful and tells me he's madly in love with me and I know he is. I'm 42 and he's 54.

I've had a little talk with him recently and told him I love him but I'm not sure I'm 'in love'. He appreciated my honesty, was gutted but we're still together as we get on really well and he says I might fall in love with him.

I've had several bad relationships in the past and this man treats me with so much love, care and respect. Am 42 and say to myself will I ever find that spark I'm looking for? I did break it off with him within the year as I felt the spark wasn't there but got back with him as I did miss him and we get on really well.

I'm so confused and not sure what to do? Times I look at him and say yes he's a good looking man then other times I feel I'm not attracted to him the way I was. Am thinking if I break it off again I might regeret it and I know when I broke it off with him before I missed him but suppose I missed the companionship. Over the years I've always had visions of falling in love but maybe the fairytale I'm looking for doesn't exist and I need to face reality!

Friends say as we grow older spark etc does fade and to have a caring, loving, honest, respectful man is more important! Maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side and I know it's so difficult finding an honest, respectful man these days. I've read stories of women finding that spark but then the man isn't as devoted etc?

Would really appreciate any advice, a confused Krystal! :(

Re: I love him but not sure I'm 'in love'? Feeling so confus

PostPosted: Sat Dec 03, 2016 2:50 pm
by David020549
I think most women in their 40s living with a man they "love" who treats them well, is reliable and faithful, would not worry too much about being "in love". They would be much too concerned about security, if there is one thing women mention when their man is unfaithful it is feeling insecure, you probably have felt that in you previous relationships.
Maybe you are fantasizing about Prince Charming sweeping you off your feet and carrying you away on a white horse, or maybe Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise but that is just daydreaming not reality. Men have exactly the same fantasies but I for one would not dare to tell my wife that I was not "in love" with her, just because I might fall for another woman at sometime in the future.
Im just wondering how you would have felt if he had admitted that he was not in love with you, be practical make the most of what you have and don't chase rainbows.

Re: I love him but not sure I'm 'in love'? Feeling so confus

PostPosted: Sat Dec 03, 2016 9:21 pm
by Krystal42
Yeah maybe I'm just dreaming about meeting Prince Charming and being swept off my feet. I probably need to get out of the fairytale I've been hoping for and settle for the man who does adore me, loves me unconditionally and would do anything for me!
I know as we get older all we need is love, care and respect etc so thank you David for your reply.
As you said how would I feel if he admitted to me that he wasn't in love with me? Well I'd probably be gutted and hurt!
I'll try settle myself and not live in the land of the fairytales and stop chasing rainbows!

Re: I love him but not sure I'm 'in love'? Feeling so confus

PostPosted: Sun Dec 04, 2016 12:00 am
by Celebritydiscodave
I would be completely turned off, and unwilling to make love to a female that did n`t physically overwhelm me, and I`m in my sixties, nothing has changed there. She`d likely have to be under twenty five, and only about one in a hundred even then. Of course, real age is what actually counts here, not elapsed time, as is most commonly and with it defectively thought. Regardless of ones years, one should n`t have to be sexually attracted in order to be entirely in love with an individual. In actual fact more can be less, sometimes much less. Romantic love is typically set at the very nearest place to hate. I would n`t even describe such over emotional love as being true/genuine love. It becomes easier to successfully make the decision for genuine love with the passage of time, albeit only marginally so. Genuine love, so we are talking an order of emotional control, is the road to a lasting loving relationship. If he genuinely loves you he wont expect you to make love to him just because he feels the urge. Not wanting sex with a person is not the best reason in the world for not wishing to share ones life with them, and this quite irrespective of age. However, should you be genuinely predisposed to younger men that would deem you highly unlikely to be able to make it last with an older one. Equally, if you were predisposed to females you`d be making hard work of it with males. Prince Charming is not necessarily going to be that guy that your mere innate drive wills you to shag, that`s usually that said same individual that cannot be trusted, the cause of the most considerable misery. Should you wish for children you may have to risk it to the other nature of relationship, obviously. In my view love that falls short of being in love can be greater in real terms than emotional/over emotional love, this due to its fragility and an over sized ego.

Re: I love him but not sure I'm 'in love'? Feeling so confus

PostPosted: Sun Dec 04, 2016 1:46 pm
by snail
This is a difficult question as it depends on how you yourself feel about taking risks versus settling, and also on why you haven't met that special someone before.

I am the same age as you and I would say it does become quite a bit harder to find good partners as you get older. It isn't impossible though and you are comparatively young - falling in love, getting married and even having a family could all well be still ahead of you. I wouldn't agree that the spark fades as you get older, either, at least not for me. You really don't sound that keen on this guy - if you split again in two or five years' time, will you look back on this with bitter regret about the wasted time when you could have been out there looking for someone you loved? Or will you think that what you had was worth it because it was good while it lasted? What would you prefer - being single and having the chance of meeting someone you adore but also the chance you will never find anyone who is as good as this man, or settling for someone who is good to you but you aren't especially attracted to or in love with? If you were 22 instead of 42, would you be in a relationship like this or would you not even consider it?

The other thing is why you have go to 42 and haven't met anyone before. Only you know this - it could be bad luck or something like health problems, but if there is a chance you do have unrealistic expectations of men, then you would need to address that (with something like counselling) before you could really know whether a certain man was right for you or not.

Re: I love him but not sure I'm 'in love'? Feeling so confus

PostPosted: Mon Dec 05, 2016 12:37 am
by Country Joe
Personally I think if your asking the question now what's the future going to hold? Your 42 and whilst your man may be a lot of things if he doesn't give you that 'fluttery' feeling anymore or at all, sooner or later someone else probably will. It's no good just 'making do' until perhaps something better comes along.

Re: I love him but not sure I'm 'in love'? Feeling so confus

PostPosted: Mon Dec 05, 2016 12:34 pm
by Celebritydiscodave
Could be that you have tended to come across as too good for them. Both genders can tend to the shying away from anything which they perceive as being "too good" It might also be that you have n`t tended to make the adequate effort/that you have n`t been, come portrayed yourself as being, sufficiently in need. On both counts you may have on many occasions been considered out of reach. I have spent most of my life assumed out of reach on account I have tended to the suggestion that I`m already taken. One advantage of being older is that older people tend to know their own minds better, so you would be statistically less likely to be let down than somebody younger than yourself. Sex drive/need for sexual gratification may not diminish substantially over time, but one hopefully does learn how to accommodate it far better.

Re: I love him but not sure I'm 'in love'? Feeling so confus

PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2017 12:12 pm
by aguytalking
I think we all have different expectations from love and if I am to put is simply sometimes the best way to feel that love is to lower the expectation as also reflected in other posts here. I have asked many couples what is the most important element in their relationship and I get variety of answers but high on the list is always Trust, Respect, devotion. I have never heard anybody mention being in Love! Of course the sexual attraction and Chemistry has to be there as well and this one we wouldn't always talk about openly.

As for myself I am happily married for 3 years. I didn't have a serious long term relationship until I was 43 and then I met her and somehow I did things for her I wouldn't do for any other woman. I just couldn't let her go! The culmination of lots of cock ups in my previous relationships had also learnt me a thing of two. Did she have every aspect of my dream girl? the honest answer is well not every single one but certainly most of it. There always need to be some compromise. For me the most important thing is that I can easily talk to her about everything and we seem to understand each-other. And yes she is very pretty and cute :D

Re: I love him but not sure I'm 'in love'? Feeling so confus

PostPosted: Wed Jan 25, 2017 11:07 am
by Celebritydiscodave
Speaking personally I`d far rathe spend my life with a girl that I loved, genuinely and unconditionally, merely than with a girl that I was "in love" with. I can fall in love with virtually any girl that physically overwhelms me, but she may also be my worst enemy. This falling in love nature of love is the more superficial, at least the over emotional bit of it is, it`s double edged because ego is in a place of its most vulnerable eb. It cannot even cope, and yet it is supposed to be love, in the environment of a third party, it has an unhealthy, and less than ideal amount to say for self preservation/self love, and the being of no more than an animal/innate drive. As humans we can do better, the love which is truly unconditional friendship, that commodity which it is worth dieing over, but with some emotional control.