Yesterday my dad passed away. It is a confusing time. He had been unwell for many years with dementia and it's been a horrible time. Last week he took a turn (had happened many times), but this time we had to move him onto end of life care and stayed with him as much as possible. He passed away after 8 days. I hope for everyone's sake they don't experienced the same.
For anyone who has experience of dementia it is a cruel disease. You loose someone many times over the years. My dad is finally peaceful, but I don't think I have really processed it all yet. To make things more complicated I have a difficult relationship with my NPD mother. I have been maintaining minimal contact to help deal with this, plus I've been seeing a relational therapist for a couple of years.
So this time with mum, being around some complicated family dynamics involving sisters also, had no doubt done all sorts of triggery damage. I'm totally aware that I've got a lot to deal with.
What has confused me a lot is how I've been feeling towards my boyfriend. We've been together for 6 months, been good friends 2 years longer than that. When dads final days began I rushed down there. I felt very inward about it all, it immediately was just about family. That first eve I spoke to my boyf but just felt irritated and wasn't interested in chatting, I didn't really want to talk about it and didn't really want to idle chat either. He texted his support but I just wanted space.. a few day's later I travelled home to get a few things. I met up with him (really because I felt I should) but it was disasterous. I felt really sensitive and upset about it all and he couldn't say anything right. It felt like he was more worried about our connection than me (I could be wrong about that, not sure), but his own insecurities came out (when I said I didn't want to talk about it he took this as 'I don't want to talk to you') in his behaviour and that really angered me - I couldn't work it out at the time. Later I tried to say to him 'this isn't about us, I just need quiet time to manage it'. But have felt shut off since. Overall he has been sweet and kept in touch with thoughts and xxx texts. I've felt bothered by it as I feel guilty when I don't have anything to reply.
I've not seen or chatted to anyone except my best friend a little. I think my boyfriend feels like I should naturally be leaning on him, I'm sure he feels that he wants to help as he cares about me - I would feel the same, it must be hard on him. But how I feel is how i feel, so I'm trying to stay true to that.
It REALLY worries me that I am feeling distant from him. Is this going to break us? I tried chatting to him today but it didn't feel good. I felt obliged. I don't want to talk about it, and I definitely don't want to add to my load by worrying about relationship dynamics. I expect exposure to my family has heightened the problems I have with relating, the fears of being close, trust etc.
On top of that he has a lot of troubles. He is depressed, is having other health probs and family trouble. So because I'm feeling extra on edge I selfishly don't want to take on his stuff too. I've got no space for it. We are both sensitive people and I wouldn't describe myself as an empath, so being around someone struggling when I'm dealing with this is too much. I've tried telling him this but I don't think he gets it.
Are we doomed? I just want to feel close to him again, or to press pause until I get back on track. Is that unfair?
Thanks everyone