Page 1 of 2

Any Advice would be gratefully appreciated

PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2016 5:17 pm
by Oldfaithful
I'm new to the online forums but decided to give it a go in hope of finding some comfort from advice given.

I was with my ex wife for 14 years, she ended our marriage in September 2013, she put it down to the fact that we had grown/drifted apart. I find out she had actually been having an affair for over 14 months. She has since re-married to my cousin (May I add that it wasn't him she cheated on me with, Although I do suspect she did)

It took me the best part of a year to recover from my wife leaving me and taking my two children away from me, Although I have 50/50 access its not the same as been there with them 24/7.

It got to the point in my life where I was ready to meet someone again and maybe oneday Love again. I started seeing a Lady early 2015, but I won't deny I believe I pushed her away due to not letting her get close. Yet again I concentrated on Work and Re-Building myself.

This year 2016 I met the most amazing woman who also has two Children, I genuinely hand on my heart have fallen in Love with this Lady, we have spent some wonderful time together as a couple and a family unit with the four Children. I always vowed I would never ever take anything for granted and I guess am just waiting for this bubble i'm in too burst. All I want is to be happy again, fall in love, Trust again and who know's maybe oneday get married again.

I guess what i'm asking advice for is how do I control the demons in my head, Tell myself that not every woman is the same and not out to hurt me. Trust again when it comes to Mobile Phones (Which is how my ex used to primely communicate while having an affair)

I love this Lady but am worried if i'm not careful I will push her away.

Re: Any Advice would be gratefully appreciated

PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2016 8:00 pm
by David020549
This is far more often a problem for women who part with an unfaithful husband and can not trust a man again. You have to take a chance and start with a clean sheet and don't even think that your new lady might have an affair, more that that, don't discuss your fears about that with her. If you do, of course she will reassure you but you have sown the seeds of doubt in her mind, then sometime in the future she will think you suspect her, so you must trust her and not show any doubts.
As your ex had an affair then married a cousin did you contribute to that, things like, at work too much, away from home, no holidays, general arguments, poor sex life, or did you just drift apart.

Your new lady will have her doubts as well so do not burden her with your baggage, don't rush, when it feels right for you both take a chance.

Re: Any Advice would be gratefully appreciated

PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2016 8:23 pm
by Oldfaithful
At the time I didn't think I pushed my ex wife away but looking back I guess I was just as much to blame as she was.

Maybe I pushed her into the arms of another man, my focus did change once we had children so maybe that contributed. But maybe we did just drift apart.

My new lady, I'm only five months in with her and things are going great. Although I do get paranoid expecting things to go pear shaped.

It sometimes feels like I don't no if I'm coming or going with her. Where both in the same boat as both have been cheated on in the past.

All I want is to get rid of these demons/thoughts in my head.

Re: Any Advice would be gratefully appreciated

PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2016 9:28 pm
by Tarantula
To contrast, my view is that you should be sharing this with your partner. That's part of what real relationships are made of: an open, nonjudgemental sharing of our insecurities and vulnerable bits. If she knows your past she should have some allowance for such insecurities. After all, they make perfect sense. The important point for you is to raise the issue without sounding accusatory.. but yeah, tell her. Open up. Tell her it's not her fault and it isn't even necessarily rational, but you worry a lot. If she's worth it, she'll be more concerned with helping you to feel better than turning it into an ego thing of 'oh my god how can you think I'd do such a thing.' If she gets defensive, when you haven't actually said anything bad, then that's a red flag, if you can't simply explain your worries.

You didn't push your ex into anyone's arms. She did that herself. Sure, you definitely contributed to the problems in the marriage, but it was her full, conscious choice to cheat. She's a grown adult with responsibility for her actions. I sense that you are a softy, however, and sometimes people take advantage of that. It doesn't mean you deserved what you got. But it's one part of the explanation.

It's time to choose authenticity over fear, I think. Relationships always involve risk. If you don't want risk, stay single. As it is though, especially given she's been there herself, I think she should be able to empathise and you'll be all the more closer for it.

Re: Any Advice would be gratefully appreciated

PostPosted: Wed Dec 21, 2016 12:28 am
by Country Joe
Awful experience to be cheated on & one can't help but internalise it to some extent, however as the previous poster explained it was her choice to cheat!
This is your time now and the forecast is looking much brighter...seize the day, ride the waves and throw caution to the wind! Love rarely comes around a second time and if you feel you've found love again then run with it & put your fears behind you or they may well wreck your chances of being happy! Be confident in your new found's the advice you would give to someone with the same story! Use it for yourself :-)

Re: Any Advice would be gratefully appreciated

PostPosted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 12:12 am
by Oldfaithful
I just hope I don't push my new partner away with the doubt especially when it comes to mobile phones. I mean she as messaged two of my friends recently, I'm not sure who messaged who first but it put doubt in my head.

My new partner helps out feeding the homeless, and recently let one of them into her home. That I wasn't too happy about as how would she have liked it if she'd have turned up at my house and another women was there eating and drinking with me. I told her I had huge respect for helping out but letting this man into her home is a line crossed maybe?

would be interested to no everyone's take on that, how was I supposed to feel or react?

For the last 6 months I have lived with this fear of been made a fool of again.

Re: Any Advice would be gratefully appreciated

PostPosted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 8:10 pm
by David020549
It sounds like this "new lady" is a bleeding heart, committed to helping others even at serious risk to herself and her family, for you that is going to be a problem, she will act on impulse when she sees a deserving cause. You need to decide if you can live with that, in practice unless you get involved in that sort of charity work alongside her it is going to be difficult to keep the relationship going.
You mentioned mobile phones, you didn't actually say that you had looked at her phone, just mentioned messages. Do not look at her phone or computer they are personal, you will get caught eventually. If I was caught looking at my wife's personal stuff she would hit the roof with serious consequences, even asking her plans for the day needs care, she put a very high priority on her privacy.

Re: Any Advice would be gratefully appreciated

PostPosted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 11:42 pm
by Tarantula
Yeah the homeless thing - too far in my opinion. Amongst other things, it's just irresponsible in terms of her personal safety. You don't let any random person in your house, homeless or not!

I also advise against sneakily checking her stuff. However, asking her plans for the day is normal... if my bf had issues with me asking such a simple thing, I'd imagine he had something to hide. :/

Re: Any Advice would be gratefully appreciated

PostPosted: Fri Dec 23, 2016 12:01 am
by Oldfaithful
When getting into this new relationship I knew about her helping the homeless out, her current next door neighbour is friends with one of the people who visited the soup kitchen. Thats how she knows this man.

I personally thought i maybe over reacted to the situation but wasn't really sure how I was supposed to feel. I mean if it was on the other foot would she like another women in my home.

The mobile phone situation, I have never checked her phone and would never want too. Although it has crossed my mind previously. We had our phones on the table while out having a coffee a week or so ago and she had messenger open, it was when I glanced over I noticed one of my friends names on there. She told me about the other one, apparently my mate contacted her as his company wanted to donate to a charity and he wanted advice.

I'm struggling with this one, really not sure what to think/feel

Re: Any Advice would be gratefully appreciated

PostPosted: Fri Dec 23, 2016 8:55 pm
by snail
I agree that letting a homeless man into her home is probably a line crossed, because of her personal safety (however, this depends on the man - did she know him reasonably well? Just because he is homeless doesn't mean he is a random stranger and a threat).

However, you ask "how would she have liked it if she'd have turned up at my house and another woman was there eating and drinking with me" - well, presumably she wouldn't have minded at all. Why on earth would she, or why would you mind if a man was eating and drinking at her house? If he was upstairs in the bedroom with her, that's different, but not having food or a drink in the kitchen. That's normal. We all have friends of the other sex and I would certainly expect a boyfriend to be OK with a man having a drink in my kitchen, just as much as a woman.

Also, ask yourself; would someone really be so bored that she would be starting things with other men only five months into a relationship? That's not at all probable. And, you don't live together and don't really have any significant ties together, so if there were another man she preferred, why wouldn't she just end it with you and be with him? Why would she have to have any kind of secret affair? That doesn't make sense.

You fear the past repeating itself, but any relationship carries that risk. Would you rather be completely safe from that risk but alone forever, or take the chance? Let's say you were made a fool of in the same way again - so what? You would be sad and hurt, yet glad that you had found out this woman's true colours, and would then split up from her. You'd survive - you survived before perfectly well. That was much worse, because it was the first time and it was your wife and the mother of your children, yet you did it. You were fine, and would be again. Try to focus on the good things, and not worry about it.

Re: Any Advice would be gratefully appreciated

PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2016 12:22 am
by Oldfaithful
The messages people have posted really have given me something to think about, I know the changes i need to make myself as a person. It's mainly getting rid of the demons in my head.

Thank you everyone

Re: Any Advice would be gratefully appreciated

PostPosted: Thu Dec 29, 2016 11:22 pm
by Oldfaithful
Were do I start,

Although spent a lovely Christmas Day and Boxing Day with my partner, things seem to have become distant and awkward these last couple of days. Yesterday I went shopping with her and her children , then back to hers for a takeaway and movie. I won't lie I kind of half expected I would be staying over, anyway nothing was said by her so I got up to leave around 9:30.

When I got home I received a message saying she didn't ask me to stay over because she had paperwork to sort the next morning. I didn't know how to take this as it seemed a very lame excuse considering I didn't have my children so thought over the Christmas period it was an ideal time to spend together.

I've got a gut feeling in the pit of my stomach that she had the homeless man stay over hence why I needed to be out the way, I don't have any proof of this but a strong feeling.

So today I don't hear anything from her until lunch and everything is very short in what she put, I'm very confused and don't no what to do for the best. I'd rather she was just open and come out and tell me if she would rather we went our seperate ways.

So tonight I have come to stay over at my mums and really can't be doing with a 3rd night at home on my own, I messaged her to say love you and got a reply "love you too"

I just feel it's all one way at the minute.

I'm worried I am starting with depression/anxiety as I'm worry and overthinking everything. I've even referred myself for some counselling but it doesn't commence until 10th January

Any further advice really would be appreciated

Thank you

Re: Any Advice would be gratefully appreciated

PostPosted: Fri Dec 30, 2016 8:44 am
by David020549
When you mentioned you "partner" I assumed that you were a permanent resident partner, rather than a regular boyfriend who can be sent home at will with no real explanation. It seems to me that she enjoys your company when it suits her while maintaining her independence, she likes you but is a long way from being in love or making long term commitment at present.

Re: Any Advice would be gratefully appreciated

PostPosted: Fri Dec 30, 2016 11:10 am
by snail
I agree that the paperwork excuse sounds a little flimsy. But it may simply be that she was tired, that she or the kids didn't feel like having someone to stay, or that you are just going through a distant patch where you get on less well. It's a big jump to think she didn't want you to stay because another man was staying. Keep an open mind, and try not to leap to any conclusions.

Counselling always helps so that's good. And the 10th is barely a week away.

Re: Any Advice would be gratefully appreciated

PostPosted: Fri Dec 30, 2016 8:56 pm
by Oldfaithful

Well after the conversation over the last few weeks, things ended today with my partner. She gave the reasons been that My love for her is different from her love for me.

She also emphasised that we are very different people and me spoiling she doesn't like.

To say I am gutted is an understatement