Page 1 of 1

Relationship at Break Point - Lazy Relative Issues

PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2017 3:06 pm
by LastStop3h
I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

Started dating my gf 3.5 years ago. She moved into a new place with her 10 y/o daughter and 21 y/o brother 2 years ago. I moved in with them all last year.

Here's the problem: There was a verbal agreement when I moved in that I pay 1/3 of the bills, makes sense with 3 adults in the house. Her brother let's just say is a very unmotivated and lazy individual. He was laid off from his job in December of 2015 and made little to no attempt to find another job and spent the first 5 months of last year not only not working but not doing anything to help around the house. He works now but still does next to nothing around the house except eat a lot of the food and leave a mess in the sink. To pick up his slack, my gf let him off the hook and now he is only paying $300/mo (I pay about $1200) which is slightly less than 1/3 of the rent and he pays for nothing else. His not working for months and high car insurance payments due to getting numerous speeding tickets have put him in a bad spot financially. My gf has absorbed most of his debts although I have paid a lot to help out with the food bill. I give her $700 on the 1st of the month to cover the 1/3rd of everything which includes my portion for food, but since we are constantly running out of food, I pay extra on top of that (about $400-500).

Life in this house consists me running my gf and her kid to work and school every morning (she doesnt drive), even when I am coming off the graveyard shift, constantly cleaning up dishes, taking the garbage out every week, taking care of the two cats which aren't mine, cleaning the house in general, sometimes rushing home from work because she has company coming over, fixing stuff around around the house, including painting several rooms and spending 3 days painting her daughters room... etc. I could go on but you get the point. I do more than my share, often times picking up the slack and mess left by others.

But in a recent argument I realized that this apparently comes with the territory. Her brother is what he is, I am just supposed to deal with it. And apparently when her brother wasn't working last year and she took on more of his debts she was hoping I would step up a pay more (although I wasn't directly told this).

These issues have caused my mood to be affected which in turn is affecting our relationship. I struggle with dysthimia as it is although she doesn't seem to be too sensitive to it. When I told her that she would probably throw me out of the house if I did what he brother does (or doesn't do), I was told that I was f*cked in the brain. We tried to plan a trip for my 40th birthday in May but she backed out of and scheduled a retreat right after it so I guess we aren't doing anything special for my bday. I don't doubt she loves me but she does not seem to be taking my concerns too seriously. Yes I do value money, but it is only because I have a sick mother that lives far away that needs financial and I want to start saving for retirement, not enabling a soon to be 22 year old man. Plus, if we are going to have a serious future together, I do care about her finances and I hate to see her hand over a large portion of her money every month to a grown ass man.

Is it wrong for me to see a problem here? I know I was the one who moved in with a crowd but why should I just accept paying extra (even if its a little extra) and working so much harder because others simply won't? This has severely affected my mood. I work 50 hours a week at my job and I just want a bit of a break when I get home. I know its normal to spend some time and money helping out but when cant everyone pitch in?

I suggested counseling but her response is "I don't need help, I'm fine."

I am at my wits end. What should I do or what would you do?

Re: Relationship at Break Point - Lazy Relative Issues

PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2017 6:22 pm
by Country Joe
This all sounds very unfair and something will have to change if your relationship is to survive! It appears as if there is nothing more that you can do both financially and emotionally. Unfortunately for you your partner and her brother are irrevocably bonded and at the end of the day it looks as if she will continue to make excuses for him.
This is more about what you are prepared to settle for! In life there will always be 'Takers & Slackers' and their behaviour is perpetuated by those around them that inadvertedly enable them to continue for a number of reasons. We feel guilty, emotionally blackmailed and because we love the persons involved we continue to compromise!
If you could stand out side of yourself and observe whats happening what would be your advice to yourself? You would most definitely conclude a change will have to brought about!
If those that around you are not prepared to contribute more then perhaps your only course of action is to walk away!
You have to put forward an ultimatum however painful that may be, or the status quo will continue leaving you feeling
miserable and exhausted.
It's got to that point and if you do nothing nothing happens....stand back & take stock and gather the strength to talk to your partner clearly explaining how your feeling and that you cannot live like this anymore!

Re: Relationship at Break Point - Lazy Relative Issues

PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2017 8:20 pm
by David020549
Reading your post I am wondering why you have stayed this long, OK your GF is attractive no doubt but living with her brother must be very difficult and involve a lot of compromises. That is not including her brother freeloading and I think you have been very tolerant in the circumstances but I don't see a way forward, because if she has to choose she will side with her brother.
At 40 or so you are still young, there are much better things to do with your life, with or without a new partner.

Re: Relationship at Break Point - Lazy Relative Issues

PostPosted: Thu Feb 02, 2017 1:18 am
by Minna
Hi Laststop

What a miserable situation you find yourself in. You have my sympathy and, no, you are not overreacting to the situation. Anyone would feel the same way as you do.
What to do. Well, in my opinion, the first thing you should do is book that counselling, even if you go alone it WILL be of help to you, I promise. Please try it.
I appreciate that your gf doesn't feel the necessity to accompany you, which is a shame - you are at a point where you think counselling could be an important way for you both to deal with the present situation, so I think she should at least respect your concerns and make the effort to go along with you. Surely, if she loves you, she wants you to be as happy with "life" as she appears to be and she would not be so dismissive of your suggestion?
So, go along by yourself, if needs be. Counsellors are very used to one person in a troubled partnership attending sessions on their own, as it often happens that the other partner "poo-poos" the idea.
The counsellor will help you clear your mind as to what to do next. One thing with counselling - counsellors will not tell you what you should do, but will perhaps point up ways forward. What they do best is to let you really talk about what is happening and how you feel, so that, in a "safe" un-judgemental environment, you will come to see what is the best way forward for YOU.
Please take that step, because you sound like a fantastic bloke - hard working, tolerant and caring (and, please believe me, blokes like that can be hard to find!!!). A partner SHOULD be proud (and lovingly thankful!) to be your gf .....

Re: Relationship at Break Point - Lazy Relative Issues

PostPosted: Thu Feb 02, 2017 3:36 am
by LastStop3h
Thank you for the kind words, Minna. I actually have been seeing a counselor for a long time. She was the one who suggested couples counseling but I don't think my gf will give in.

Re: Relationship at Break Point - Lazy Relative Issues

PostPosted: Thu Feb 02, 2017 8:53 am
by David020549
I have to say I am not a great fan of counselling, certainly not beyond both parties bringing out into the open what the problem is, if at that stage the relationship does not improve or lapses very quickly then one partner is taking advantage.
In your case you are obviously a caring guy who is in love with this woman, despite being very patient and generous her loyalties are very much with her brother.
You are bankrolling her families lifestyle and she will continue the relationship until that ceases, it may well be that she thinks that her hold on you is strong enough not to change, it is entirely your choice wether that continues.