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WIFE HAD BABY FOR ANOTHER MAN

PostPosted: Fri Mar 10, 2017 11:04 pm
by Samsung1
Been with my wife for nearly 15 years,i was the only man she had ever slept with. I know i hurt her bad as had an affair it went on for over a year and she found out. It took us time to get things back on track but eventually but she forgave me and we have been trying to sort things out.

She found out she was pregnant and i was really happy we both were. When she had the baby it was shortly after i guessed the child couldnt be mine as he was a different colour plus he did not look like me at. she said it was a brief fling at a time when she was feeling low after what happened with my affair she said that if she had even thought it was another man she would not have gone through the pregnancy

The thing is i love my wife and i understand why she did what she did but the baby is a constant reminder of what she did, there is no sweeping it under the carpet. I moved out because i just cant deal with it and she said that she forgave me but i cant forgive her but it is more than that for me.

Am i right to walk away from the only woman i have ever really loved?

Re: WIFE HAD BABY FOR ANOTHER MAN

PostPosted: Sat Mar 11, 2017 3:47 pm
by Country Joe
Owch! I don't think I could raise another blokes child under those circumstances! Very difficult to to do!

Re: WIFE HAD BABY FOR ANOTHER MAN

PostPosted: Sat Mar 11, 2017 4:43 pm
by RemyRudy
Hi,

I understand that it must be really hard to find out that the baby you were excited about and looking forward to having ends up being the baby of a different man. I also realise that seeing him is a constant reminder.

However, to put it in perspective, seeing your face everyday is a constant reminder to your wife that you had a year long affair. That's a hell of a long affair - you must have been both physically and emotionally invested in this other person. To be honest, after finding out that you had a year long affair - your wife is a very forgiving person and must love you a lot to try and put such a huge betrayal behind her and try and move forward with you. An affair is a devastating thing to happen to you. It wipes away your confidence and self esteem, it makes you question if your partner ever loved you. Your wife will look at you and she'll be reminded that for a year, you put someone else before her. You preferred someone else to her. She will forever wonder if you still think about the other person, dream about the other person.

So for all the baby is a constant reminder that your wife sought solace and a confidence boost after your betrayal, your presence will be a constant reminder to her. So if she can attempt to put this behind her and make a new chapter in your marriage, then I truly think the least you can do (if you love her) is to attempt to try and make the best of this situation.

And remember that this baby is innocent in all this. And also if you hadn't had the affair in the first place, you wouldn't be posting this.

Re: WIFE HAD BABY FOR ANOTHER MAN

PostPosted: Sat Mar 11, 2017 7:48 pm
by snail
RemyRudy wrote:Hi,

I understand that it must be really hard to find out that the baby you were excited about and looking forward to having ends up being the baby of a different man. I also realise that seeing him is a constant reminder.

However, to put it in perspective, seeing your face everyday is a constant reminder to your wife that you had a year long affair. That's a hell of a long affair - you must have been both physically and emotionally invested in this other person. To be honest, after finding out that you had a year long affair - your wife is a very forgiving person and must love you a lot to try and put such a huge betrayal behind her and try and move forward with you. An affair is a devastating thing to happen to you. It wipes away your confidence and self esteem, it makes you question if your partner ever loved you. Your wife will look at you and she'll be reminded that for a year, you put someone else before her. You preferred someone else to her. She will forever wonder if you still think about the other person, dream about the other person.

So for all the baby is a constant reminder that your wife sought solace and a confidence boost after your betrayal, your presence will be a constant reminder to her. So if she can attempt to put this behind her and make a new chapter in your marriage, then I truly think the least you can do (if you love her) is to attempt to try and make the best of this situation.

And remember that this baby is innocent in all this. And also if you hadn't had the affair in the first place, you wouldn't be posting this.


Everything you say is absolutely correct... but a baby is a different thing from an affair, in the sense of coming to terms with. Perhaps it shouldn't be - but it is.

This is a person. A brand new person, who will be growing up day by day, learning about the world, looking like its father and its mother, maybe with its mother's stubborn streak and its father's aptitude for music, and needing to have contact with and know about both its biological parents... One day it will probably have children of its own, and the bond between Samsung's wife and this man, the family they created, will go on down the generations, as they have grandchildren together. Very few people would be able to accept this, and still build a happy marriage and an environment where the child was genuinely valued and cherished by them both, and grew up psychologically and emotionally secure. Some would, yes, but most wouldn't be able to.

You could try going to couples' counselling, Samsung - you might feel differently after a while if you talked it through, once you have got used to the idea, and can see the baby as a separate person. This is a very personal thing - not everyone will be the same. But at the end of the day you feel however you feel. It's a tragedy, and my heart goes out to you, but some things cannot be undone.

Re: WIFE HAD BABY FOR ANOTHER MAN

PostPosted: Sat Mar 11, 2017 8:25 pm
by RemyRudy
I certainly understand your points Snail. But like I say, knowing his hands have touched someone else, knowing his lips have touched someone else, having them then touch you is a constant reminder of a betrayal as well. It could very well have ended up with his mistress having a baby. He was just lucky that didn't happen. In fact as it was a year long affair, he technically could have fathered two children with his mistress (although the second would have been born after the end of the affair). So thanks to luck, that didn't happen. I feel very sorry for the wife and I feel most sorry for the innocent baby. I don't like affairs - if you aren't happy at home, leave. Don't string multiple people along while you 'try before you buy'. Nowadays people are so casual about affairs but they are devastating events and have repercussions that echo for a long time.You wanted to start over again after your affair without any reminder of what you did wrong. It's all in the past so we can just move on and forget about it. But to be honest, just because you would have forgotten about it, in some form, it would still be a ghost for your wife. You can't sweep an affair under the rug. Wouldn't it be great to have a year long affair and then come back home, cut it out and forget it ever happened! And we definitely don't want any reminders of that period of time do we as it might make you remember what happened. And to be honest, the baby would be a reminder of what YOU did wrong, not your wife.

Why is it more women can forgive men that father children outside marriage? Is it because they have lesss pride? More forgiveness? I don't know.

I don't mean to sound harsh - I don't mean to judge but this is just my humble opinion. I hope you all can work something out.

Re: WIFE HAD BABY FOR ANOTHER MAN

PostPosted: Sun Mar 12, 2017 3:07 am
by Samsung1
Thank you for your advice and you have both given me some hard truths. Yes i no what i did was 100 times worse and if i could turn back the time i would because i know that i hurt her and the fact that she forgave me makes me want to try but every time i see that child it is a constant reminder of what she did and what my actions led her to do. I want to work at it but at the same time i have so many questions like i am not even sure if i could be able to see the child as mine, i resent the child and although i know it is not the baby's fault but his presence is like a constant reminder. Whereas i had an affair this baby is like telling the whole world my wife slept with another man, there is no hiding, there will be questions and i am not sure if i can be that man then i feel like i am weak and just copping the easy way out.

I guess her seeing my face day in and day out would be hard but even after months of accusations and suspicions we came around, and the baby was like a brand new start. Then i think what if the real dad wants to get involved how would that work out.

Maybe i will try what you suggest with the counselling i owe it to her to try but at the same time right now i feel like the baby has taken over her life and i know i shouldnt feel jealous but i do. You are both right when you say its pride or ego as it has knocked my self esteem to shreds. For years we have been trying for another child, but we had our daughter who is 13 so we took the stance if it happens it happens then to find that another man has given her what i couldnt...its tough and to make it worse i know it is all my fault in the first place.

Thank you for your honesty