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opinions on asking for favours/doing favours for partners?

PostPosted: Sat Mar 25, 2017 1:18 am
by Mathsgirl96
I recently started seeing someone new and everything has been going great but I am now worried about his attiutude towards me ever asking him for a favour, or vice versa.

Basically, this morning I woke up at about 6am (which is a few hours early for me but is the normal time for him to wake up) and I felt dreadful and was still half asleep and struggling to open my eyes. I desperately needed a drink as my throat was killing me but knew that I didn't have the energy to get up right away. I said pretty much exactly that out loud and he didn't really respond. I laid in bed cuddling him for a few mins but couldn't manage to make myself feel any better or more awake (instead i was drifting in and out of sleep which i desperately still needed) and so I asked "how awake are you?" and he replied that he was awake enough to know he wasn't going back to sleep but he'd still prefer to keep his eyes closed rather than open.
I took from this that he wasn't wanting to get up and stay up but that he was definitely more awake than i was and that either way there was no hope of him getting anymore sleep but for me there was at that point so I thought I'd ask a favour of him and if he said no then fair enough. I said "do you think you could possibly please..." and he straight away cut in with a very sharp "no". Obviously I wasn't expecting an answer likas abrupt as that at all and I stayed silent - partly out of shock. After another five mins I decided there was no hope of being able to sleep without getting a drink so I slowly got myself up and went to get one then came back up to find he was wide awake and on his phone. I got back into bed and tried to get more sleep but after forcing myself to get up this was no longer possible. After a while of laying there and not speaking the topic somehow got brought up and we discussed how one another felt.
He now keeps telling me that it is not okay to ask one another for a favour (not because we are still in the early stages but because he doesn't ever think this is okay - not even when two people are married). He thinks that I should only accept his help when he offers me it which he has done now and then of course but obviously we aren't mind-readers so I personally think that if I need help and he's not offering (because he couldn't possibly know to) then I should just ask him in a polite and appreciative way rather than struggle with something unneccessarily.
He keeps telling me how me asking him to please get me a drink was completely unheard of and unacceptable which made me feel awful. He says that he would never ask that of me but personally if he did I'd be happy to do that if I knew I was feeling better than he was and if I knew that he wouldn't ask unless he really needed my help (which is also the case for me when asking him) - so it would only be one-sided because he keeps saying because he doesn't like asking for help, not because I would be unwilling to give him it. In fact I'd love him to ask me for favours because I'd love to help him out whenever i can but as i said before I can't read his mind so I would prefer if he would just ask me for things.
Another arugment he keeps using is that we should do things for ourselves as this is what he does and has been used to doing for a long time as a single dad and he hates asking others for help. He even went as far as to say that if there was a situation where he was feeling even worse than i was and in him going to get a drink he ended up passing out on the way he'd prefer that to just asking me to get it for him!!
If i was alone and HAD to do something for myself then of course that's different but if there is someone there that could help me out is it not acceptable for me to ask in a polite way and then show them how much i appreciate it? I would completely agree if someone was constantly asking for favours unneccesarily and ended up using their partner but I really don't do that at all.
I genuinely am now afraid to ask for anything at all from him - even tiny things like asking him to pass me something because he's made it so clear how unnacceptable and annoying he finds anything like that to be. Any advide on what to do would be greatly appreciated, thanks :)

Re: opinions on asking for favours/doing favours for partner

PostPosted: Sat Mar 25, 2017 8:41 am
by snail
Well he clearly has some kind of problem, because that's not normal. He obviously has issues around need and vulnerability, and feeling responsible for others' well-being. That is actually fairly common, but he seems to have it in an extreme way.

From the sounds of it, he won't be willing to address his issues, so I would think carefully about whether you want to continue to see him.

Re: opinions on asking for favours/doing favours for partner

PostPosted: Sat Mar 25, 2017 10:18 am
by Strawberry shortcake
Yes this is extreme. I had a partner like this. I don't think he ever even made me a cup of tea, even though I was quite happy to do it for him or anyone. Just because he didn't particularly like tea he never offered. If I offered help he'd rather not accept it. Even if he was on his knees he didn't ask for help - he was a martyr and just said he was fine. He was a brilliant father though- would do everything for the kids - just not me because I was the adult and should look after myself! Even when I was ill - he would get me nothing. Once I was abroad with terrible period pain - nearly passed out and begged him to get me some bottled water from shop. He did eventually but begrudgingly. I broke my foot, and in the end I was afraid to ask for help as I couldn't even drive. Relationships are about helping each other, being a unit, sharing burdens and being caring and compassionate towards each other. When someone won't help you, or won't let you help them - you feel very alone in the relationship. This issue continued for years and it did come to a head and caused arguments. Basically, he never had much love as a child, ex wife had affairs, he was a single dad and had learnt to do everything for himself because others had let him down and his defences were up. If I did ask him for a favour in his eyes I was taking the p@ss out of him, taking advantage of him. If want a relationship with this guy I think you need to tell him you want a loving, caring, sharing, helpful relationship. That's what love and partnerships are about - not feeling alone. My ex did have to have counselling due to this.


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