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I don't know what to do.

PostPosted: Mon Apr 17, 2017 9:50 pm
by ShaneG94
Hi guys i need some advice, I'm lost in my relationship at the moment.

I suffer from Depression and have a Generalised Anxiety Disorder. So yes granted, I've not been they best of boyfriends. I'm generally a suspicious person, and not just in my relationship. I often find myself doubting what people say, and trusting that people won't dump on me from a great height. What can I say, it's happened to me quite a lot.

So basically, I have a partner who has 2 kids from 2 previous relationships and one little boy with me. All of whom I absolutely adore. My partner got pregnant very soon after we got together and we were wildly in love. But after a few months I noticed some strange tendencies, such as long conversations with her ex (my partner is European so there was that language barrier at first) and another chap who used to call her up in the middle of the night usually drunk. She would get out of bed and go downstairs to talk to him (I find this very unusual) although it hasn't happened for a while now. Having anxiety and trouble trusting things obviously exasperated the situation. Since then I have always had a little difficulty believing what the nature of the calls are about.

Now my partners last ex was a violent drunk, and maybe spent one day of every month sober. He even tried to attack her with a knife while she was holding their newborn baby. So to me that sort of person shouldn't be a part of a life he couldn't respect. I'm completely against mothers stopping dad's have contact without good reason. But God damn that a reason and half! Yet she was adamant that he had contact. This continued up until the Christmas of 2016 when she finally had enough of all the fake promises, and abusive words about me and towards me.

6 or so months ago she took it upon herself to call her ex, granted it was for the kids but she deleted the call log and proceeded to tell me they hadn't, until my step son told me that my partner had told them to keep it a secret from me. Now this is point blank lying. And telling the kids to keep a secret! I think it's wrong. Yet I chose to ignore this and give my partner the benefit of the doubt that she would talk to me about it first next time..... I have had some suspicions, I noticed changes in her mood and attitude towards me but I put it down to me, and with anxiety that it's all in my head, I'm even taking councelling to combat this.... Well that brings me to today. I was out visiting my mum, when I had a gut wrenching feeling, that same feeling that something bad is going to happen. When I got home I asked if anyone had called, or if she had called her ex. She said no. Point blank no. So okay maybe it's in my head, I even wrote her an apology message for when she woke from her nap, apologising for me being suspicious and that I shouldn't have kept on asking if she had... an hour into her nap my step son came to me and said he wanted to talk. Yet again he said it's a secret his mum has asked him to keep. So I explained that if it's a secret then he doesn't have to tell me.... but he proceeded to tell me that again he had spoken to his step dad with his mum while I was out.... I looked on her phone and there wasn't a call. At this point im an anxious mess, and little did I know she wasn't asleep, she was listening. When I asked her why she lied she told me she can keep secrets with "her" kids if she wants to. But she fails to recognise that she's in the wrong and continues to exclaim that it's my fault and I'm in the wrong?

I really don't know what to think or do now. Someone please make some sense of thus.

Re: I don't know what to do.

PostPosted: Tue Apr 18, 2017 7:33 am
by David020549
There is probably no sense and certainly no logic in your insecurity, you have had several relationships and children, your partners are in exactly the same situation, you are both involved with other ex partners. No doubt you have contact with your children by other women and this probably causes concern with current partners, they probably don't make an issue out of it because it would cause a row.

Because you are so suspicious of a partners actions and movements I am sure you would be more relaxed living the single life, not on a relationship. I have no idea what your situation is, if you are working you should be able to afford your own accommodation, if you are on benefit and relying on your partner you are a guest in her house.

Whatever the situation she will welcome whatever cash you bring and most likely your " company" most of the time, but there will be a point when a " difficult" man becomes more trouble than he is worth. All women have a past and they are very unlikely to tell you all of it, they have friends, ex partners and relatives all are quite likely to be contacting her, so you cannot be suspicious of everything, you have to trust them.

If you can't trust, stay single.

Re: I don't know what to do.

PostPosted: Tue Apr 18, 2017 11:34 am
by ShaneG94
Hi David thanks for your reply. I don't have kids with anyone else, nor I have contact with any ex's. The thing I'm trying to find out is if lying and telling children to keep a secret is ok. I can't stand being deceived, nor can I tolerate liars. All I want is normality, just to get on with life and be happy. And when someone has told several lies before and been caught out its hard for me to come back from that. I do truly love her, I really do. But I'm afraid of being lied to again, and feeling hurt and deceived again. We had a talk about it last night and she won't even admit that she lied. So I've basically said that if you won't recognise your faults and own up to them then you will do it again.... We called it quits this morning, I'm gutted. But I can't do lying in a relationship. I love her, and probably always will :(

Re: I don't know what to do.

PostPosted: Wed Apr 19, 2017 5:18 pm
by David020549
Simple answer, no lying is not OK, but nobody will tell you everything, there will always be secrets and you must show trust until you prove different. After dating for a few weeks you should get to know a girls character pretty well, changed plans, lame excuses and regular bad timekeeping are pretty good clues, there are nice girls out there.

Re: I don't know what to do.

PostPosted: Sun Apr 30, 2017 4:15 pm
by Tarantula
Hi Shane

You made a good decision to end it. I'm not sure why David assumed you also had children by ex partners? Is it related to another thread?

It is absolutely unacceptable for her to lie about other guys and involve the children in that lie!! What kind of example is she setting? Always having secrets are one thing - I once used my bf's toothbrush by accident and didn't tell him :( - but this is entirely different.

If you want normality, then from now on you must not create, invite or entertain drama. This lady has got profound problems, and I imagine she isn't over her abusive ex which is why she insists on keeping him in the child's life... 'for the sake of the child', right? Trauma bonds can be strong, and if she's still the same version of herself that can be abused and manipulated by her ex then you've got problems.

As a popular internet meme says, before being diagnosed with depression (or in your case, GAD), first make sure that you are not, in fact, surrounded by you-know-whats.