Deal breaker?

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Deal breaker?

Postby Tootcee » Sat Jun 10, 2017 12:20 pm

Hi I'm new and in desperate need of advice. I have been married for almost 32 years and we have had our ups and downs like any couple who have been in such a long term relationship but I am thinking that we have hit a possible deal breaker.
Long story short my husband's mother never liked me, never thought I was good enough etc and we have had several problems because of this over the years. Several years ago my father-in-law was ill and was getting to a point where he possibly needed to go into a home. My mother-in-law asked my husband to 'hide' their money for them so that she wouldn't have to pay for his care. She asked him not to tell me about it because she didn't want me to know but I found out and I admit I did not act in a way I am proud of. I was so angry at him for doing this behind my back I threatened to divorce and take half of the money. I had no actual intentions of doing so but I was so, so angry at him for colluding with his mother behind my back. She took the money straight back, didn't talk to me for years, tried to stop me going to my father in-law's funeral and although we tolerated each other when we had we never really had a relationship after that. Fast forward to the present and my husband is just about to inherit his half of the money she wanted him to hide. He has never told me how much this is saying that he didn't want to discuss it until it had all been through probate and he knew exactly how much it would be. This is imminent. The house has been sold and the solicitor is just tying up loose ends. Our only discussions on the topic have been to say that we will buy a house outright for cash (we currently rent but are trying to sell a house in another part of the country and will get some equity back from that but nowhere near enough to buy outright) and he wants a new car (he is thinking of spending around £25,000 on this). I have been working on a project for the past 5 years that is coming to an end and I was told this week that my contract will be terminated by the end of the month. We had agreed that I will pursue other avenues of working and possibly not seek employment but knowing that this is now imminent has brought things to a head and last night he told me that his parents were private and he didn't know how much money they had and he now wants to keep it private. He does not want anyone to know, anyone including me. He wants me to take his word for it that we can afford whichever house we choose and for me to not ask him how much is left. I am totally flabbergasted. I have never been so angry in my life. Never. I am usually very placid and easy going but for the first time last night I lost it I was so angry. He thinks that I am making too much of it. He said he knew I wouldn't like it but it has been left to him and he wants to keep it private. He thinks that by us choosing a house together we are sharing the decision and he cannot see why I am making so much out of it. We have never had a lot a money, have no savings but have on the whole have a relatively good life with cars, holidays etc. My husband is far more careful with money than I am, doesn't like credit except for a mortgage or to buy a car and has never had a credit card. I got into debt and made a mess of my finances years ago but I straightened it out at the end of the 90s.
To me this is a fundamental value in marriage that he shares with me the information about what he has so that we can make an informed decision together about how much we want to spend on a house, how much we want to keep in savings etc. I do not want us to blow this inheritance and I do want to keep money aside. He obviously does not share this value and he thinks that I am making too much of it and I should trust his word on what we can afford and he will decide how much we keep in savings. I do trust that he will not make any stupid financial decisions but for me this goes way beyond the principle of whether he tells me about how much he has or not, this goes against a core value I have about my marriage in that we make a shared decision based on both of us knowing the full information. If he insists on not telling me I feel he does not value or respect me as his wife and I think that for me it is a deal breaker. Sorry to be so long winded but I would appreciate feedback of what others think.
Tootcee
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Re: Deal breaker?

Postby snail » Sat Jun 10, 2017 9:17 pm

I tend to agree with you. I could understand it if he said that the money wasn't going into your joint account, it had been left to him and would be in a separate account and would be spent from there. I could also understand it if he said he would have the main say over how it was spent in terms of how much on a house, how much invested, etc. But not to even tell you how much - that is not right. That level of 'privacy' between two people married for over 30 years is not normal. Something is fishy there - I'm not sure what.
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Re: Deal breaker?

Postby David020549 » Sat Jun 10, 2017 9:37 pm

I can understand you not liking being kept in the dark, regardless of wether you are good with money or not. The cash that he inherited is his to do with as he wishes, he would not want to raise expectations because there are all sorts of expenses, not to mention taxes that have to be paid.

Another reason he won't tell you may be because his mother has insisted you don't know, he is probably only getting a share on that condition. It is usual for a couple to leave the assets to each other then when the first dies there is a deed redistributing the assets. Mother may even have insisted on him buying a house

If he does as he says and buys a house, no doubt you will have a say in which one, that sounds a really good way to invest the inheritance. Moreover the new house then becomes the marital home, which means you automatically get a half share and the opportunity to go shopping to furnish the house.

It sounds a lot of money and I suggest you stop rocking the boat, at the moment it is HIS, you will benefit
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