Recently broke up but is the door still open?

[Tarq]

OK.. So me and my ex broke up 2 weeks ago, after nearly two weeks of me trying to convince her to try again and not give up I've accepted there's nothing else I can do but let her go.

The reasons being..
That I have a kid that was kind of forced on her because we moved in quickly as she was evicted by her parents.
I also cheated on her right on the start of the relationship because that was the only way my ex (that I left to be recent ex) would let me see my son.
She has deep personal issues from her childhood that she hasn't resolved, but is in the process of getting help with. Counsellor has said she forms attachments to people she can't have and as soon as she has them doesn't want them anymore.
Because of this it led to her cheating on me, (physical act took place while we were broken up but the ground work was done during relationship) which I've forgiven her for.
Because of her past she doesn't like the closeness of a relationship, kissing, cuddling and hugging but is OK with sex.

But here's where it gets confusing for me..

She's currently still living with me, hesitant to go because she's scared of losing me as a friend and her home (she'd be moving in to her nan's). At first she was adamant that she needs to break up with me to figure herself out and what she wants and that that's it, we're done. But over the course of the last two weeks she's gradually changed her tone in which she talks about it and keeps throwing out little statements that go against that.

For example - She's said that, for her, our chapter is closed because I told a family member of what she done, and her anxiety over what they would think would stop her because she couldn't show her face to them again.
She's said that she isn't ready for a relationship much less with someone who has a kid, even though she has a good bond with mine, she gets anxious about him being around the two days a week I have him.

But, the other side of that coin is this - she's said doesn't know how she'll feel when she's moved out and not actually around me anymore (why she's scared of moving out, doesn't want to not be without me in her life) she may wake up one day a month from now and realise she's made a mistake.
Then, yesterday morning, she woke up and felt like she maybe wanted to date (when she moves out to her nan's) but doesn't know if that's what she wants or if she'd be doing it for me. Then later on said that maybe she feels like we could be friends that have sex and that's it because of how she feels about relationships and the fact she'd be too scared to see my family member again.

To say I'm confused is putting it lightly. I don't know how to make logical sense of that in my head. My heart is saying she's changing her mind and that given a little room she'll come back but my head is just about treading water.

Answers on a postcard please

[reckoner]

From my own experience, finishing with someone you care for or have a lot of history with is not cut and dried and fraught with concern about making the wrong decision, especially if you live with the person and your entire routine is to change as a result. I'm guessing she wants to keep the connection with you, but not the commitment. While I sympathise with how I think she feels, it's not fair on you to hedge her bets like this. And while it's good to be honest, I think she's being a bit insensitive to run every little detail of her doubts past you like this.

I think you need to force her hand and explain that you can't continue with an on/off situation like this and if she's not 100% sure of things with you, you need to draw a line under it for your own sanity and she needs to move to her nan's.

There's a chance that might snap her out of the limbo she's feeling about you, the shock might make her choose you. But I wouldn't count on it, there's just too much doubting going on here for my liking. Someone dithering in a situation when your feelings are at stake is not good for you and does not provide a solid foundation for the future.

[Tarq]

Hi Reckoner,

Thats exactly it, she's being so indecisive. Each day she feels differently about the situation, flip-flopping between sure she doesn't want anything and maybe trying again after a time apart. Confusing to say the least. If you're sure, you're sure, surely?

She's going soon but may not for a few days/week as the room isn't quite ready. So hopefully that will help for better or worse. As I said, with all the mind changing I have no real idea what way it will sway her but I'm forever the optimist, with regards to us, so I'm inclined to believe it may shock her into realising what's she missing. Could be very wrong.

Why say you want a normal life with me as a family etc. Only yesterday she said she "wants to badly be back to together and love you the way you love me, but it feels impossible to get those feelings." I'm her best friend and she can't get over that to love me more. I don't get how you can want something so badly yet not feel in the place to try and make it happen, seems contradictory to me.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

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[reckoner]

I have to admit, I remember saying something similar to an ex who I was making a real dog's dinner over finishing things with because I was basically too much of a coward to hurt him, even though I was already hurting him. I wanted to love him because then I wouldn't have to hurt him by finishing with him. I think she's trying to make you feel better by showing how hard this decision is and how much she wants to love you back. Of course, all that really means is that she doesn't.

You're right: if you're sure, you're sure. She isn't, so I think you have to make the decision for her.

[Tarq]

You're very wise!

Could and may very well be exactly what's happening here, the indecisiveness is mind-blowing. I think that will settle into an actual decision when she's not around me, whether that be to just be friends, potentially difficult given my feelings for her wouldn't have changed, or giving it another try.

My current standing on it is: she's gone, figuratively, soon to be literally, but I won't stop being there for her as the person she used to love and if that's enough for her to get feelings for me again then so be it. I've got nothing better to do [FACE WITH TEARS OF JOY]

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[reckoner]

How lovely of you. No wonder she's having trouble leaving you! I wish you the best.

[Tarq]

How lovely of you. No wonder she's having trouble leaving you! I wish you the best.

I know right, not enough trouble for my liking but Hey-ho.

Thank you very much for your input, it's helped go some way to make sense of it all.

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[19ironside12]

Is the door still open? You ask. First of all let me tell you trying to convince her to take you back , as you said is a huge mistake. It will only make her less likely to take you back because this will only make you come across as insecure and needy, a big turn off for women , for men also but especially for women. What you should've done was just stop all contact with her and wait for her to contact you first, because if there was any attraction left at all she would've contacted you after a while but you may well have blown it if you tried to plead and beg her to take you back.
If she has left some sort of communication open then there is still a chance but you have to let her contact you first. If however she has completely blocked all communication , i.e. social media , phone , texting and email , so there's no way you can contact her , then sorry to tell you she's done with you and you need to move on. You will never hear from her again. You did something that freaked her out big time. Possibly acting needy , insecure and / or jealous, I don't know, only you know the reason but this is one of the biggest reasons people break up because it's so unattractive especially if you're a man.

[19ironside12]

Something else I forgot to tell you , never ever remain friends with your ex. You should just tell her in a sympathic way that you only want a relationship and not a friendship and then just walk away , and mean it. This is very attractive to a woman as it comes across as strong and assertive. You are in control and a leader. Remaining friends will never spark that attraction. She will just continue to toy with your emotions and use you as a shoulder to cry on , that's not what you want. Women love men who are Independent and assertive very attractive to women.