Psychological state for a relationship

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Psychological state for a relationship

Postby SillyMistakes » Sun Aug 27, 2017 3:38 pm

Feel free to tell me I'm over-analyzing here, I just want to know what you guys's opinions are, whether I'm just a man, a d*ck, whether i need help or whether this is something i must learn to deal with, I'm genuinely debating whether to go full disclosure and take up all your time or whether to go brief-run-down, i'll try to keep it brief.

So, basically, I dont think I'm capable of maintaining a real relationship, after some time alone, a relatively significant time alone for me, i have made this conclusion based on the idea that i think i view men as sexual targets to evaluate my chances with and convince rather than humans equivalent to my girl-friends, who i love very, very dearly.

My thinking is the reason for this might be my history of sexual activity, i started at a very, very young age (I was 8, he was 12, weirdly i think i knew more about sex than him at the time, dont really know how to explain that, and trust me i've tried) and experienced my first orgasm when i was 10-ish, my memory's very hazy.

After that, he met up with me off and on until I was around 15, but the gaps between seeing him were so long, by the time i was 12 i was looking for other people to do more regularly what he wasnt, in those cases, i was definitely the bad guy, i would bully boys until they did what i wanted, or i would choose lonely boys who would do anything to feel like they had a friend, but i didnt do it on purpose, i just wanted to feel the intimacy i felt when i was young. I saw a child psychiatrist (NHS, so not necessarily the best, no offence to anyone) shortly after a suicide attempt which was a result of my friends discovering i'd slept with at least 2 of their boyfriends post-break up. Yeah i'm not proud of that either. Anyway I lied to her a lot, to be honest, i didnt tell her about how long i'd been self-harming, or that i had had more than one attempt (the last one just being the one i was found out on) i didnt really give her any chance at helping me, i just wanted to stop seeing her as soon as i could, so i lied, she believed me, and she said pretty soon after i didnt have to see her.

From then (I was 14) i was looking online for sex, with older people (that i met up with in some very dangerous situations) and on "fetish" websites, where i wanted to be in charge of someone so i could get mine whenever i wanted. I went into a whole world of fetishism i dont even want to talk about due to the extremes i thought i would go to, i'm just glad i never did.

When i turned 19/20 i calmed down a fair bit, i was a raving alcoholic (got into about 6 grand's worth of debt literally just on booze) but i wasnt quite as sexually active and dangerous (I had worn protection about twice, considering the number of exploits i had, it was a miracle i never caught anything), and by the time i was 21 i was actively looking for a "normal", hopefully long-term relationship. i am very affectionate with guys, but i am also noticing i am still quite manipulative and often, sexually selfish. I am genuinely concerned my history has warped my view of sex into a power struggle, one that i always want to come on top of, or orgasm a goal to reach before i toss away whatever i used to get there, and that's the reason for my failed relationships and struggle finding one.

I dont want to spend oodles of money having some psychiatrist tell me what i already know, i just want your opinions.. is there much/anything i can do?
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Re: Psychological state for a relationship

Postby snail » Mon Aug 28, 2017 8:47 am

Well my first thought reading your post was that you had come an incredibly long way in getting yourself better, given where you used to be. My second was that it would be unrealistic to expect you would have conquered all those demons fully by this point. Problems going back that far don't just disappear - you work on it and they gradually fade, but it takes time and effort.

I do think that you would probably benefit from talking to a counsellor as an adult, this time with full disclosure and co-operation, so you can work on whatever is left over from that time. Without that insight and support, I think you will probably get there and find the relationship you want, but it will be that much harder. Or do you have anyone else you trust who could help you, whom you could talk each issue through with as it arises?
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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