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Re: Love or career. Heartbroken and tired

Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2017 7:16 am
by David020549
I'm sorry to say it but this relationship should have finished a year ago, withholding sex will have the affect of making a man more uncertain of commitment, he is thinking sulky girlfriend equals sulky wife. Since time began women have been using sex to control men and get what they want, most are not " femme fatales", it is usually very subtle, if want to marry him be a sexy as you can. You have to be positive that you are deliberately trying to influence him that will be a turn on for you, once you see it as a chore it will turn you off.

My youngest daughter had lived with her boyfriend for 4 years at your age and he steadfastly refused to marry her, eventually after 7 years he did tie the knot but she was 6 months gone with their second child by then. She got her man and she certainly did not do it by cold shouldering him, now they have 4 kids. Having children before getting married is not at all uncommon

As women have become more independant, men have become much more resistant to commitment and typically marry much later, we don't have a body clock and there is always another crop of younger women to choose from. Also, the divorce rules favour women, if a man has property a divorcing wife will get a share of that even after a short marriage, a pre nup quite often gets overruled in court so men are very wary. The Mills/McCartney saga is an extreme example, after a couple of years she got tens of millions, nice work if you can get it.

Re: Love or career. Heartbroken and tired

Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2017 11:53 am
by Tarantula
Hi Joanne, a quick note just to throw it out there, as we seem to have a lot in common about things:

what about if you move to a more cosmopolitan place nearby?

Me and my man have just decided to move to a small city near where we are now, as opposed to being in the middle of nowhere. It's not London, but it is a city, it's beautiful, and there are things going on there. I won't feel so isolated there.

Just an idea.

Re: Love or career. Heartbroken and tired

Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2017 1:40 pm
by joannelouise
Hi Tarantula,

In reply to your last message, of course I'd be happy to go for a coffee sometime in London! I might be there later this month, i'll let you know. When are you next in London?

Well the problem is we moved to a village further out (around 40 minutes from the center of Montpellier) because he is building two houses there. Well his builders are.. he bought the land and is doing the property development, ,then selling both houses. So it's all a big investment for him (a big investment ) so obviously I can't say anything. I've made it clear that I'm not happy where we live and it really annoys him because he says it's a huge investment and also means that I have a beautiful house to live in...

We live in one of the new houses at the moment, but as soon as it sells in the next few months we will move to somewhere else short-term while the second house is built. Then when the second house is built (which is in the same village we live in now) we will then move AGAIN into that one. He will then sell that one and we'll move a final time to buy a house.. which he said he then wants us to buy together.

To be honest, I'm exhausted from all of the moving house but I understand why we are doing it and of course I can't say anything because it's important for his business. I just can't think of anything worse, already being an expat, than moving around constantly. I also feel like its solely for his benefit as it's not like we're married, so this investment is all for him at the end of the day.

That's why sometimes I think its best to just go back to London and live for myself.. but I do understand why he's done this. But I also feel horror at going back to the UK after it's just so beautiful here.. and the climate, its 25 degrees here in October in Montpellier!!! How do you feel when you go back to London??

I guess I'm lucky because I travel back to London every month for work and all my friends tell me how lucky I am to have the best of both worlds.. but because of the whole marriage thing, I feel like my heart isn't really fully settling in one place. I'm just stuck between the two not really going anywhere??

Re: Love or career. Heartbroken and tired

Posted: Tue Oct 10, 2017 4:31 pm
by joannelouise
So I have an update..

Last night he said that he has thought about everything and that he wants children with me.. so he would get married in the next couple of years so that we can have a family together (because I have explained that I would want marriage before children).

We talked it all over and we know we love each other a lot and we want to work things out.. but I just still feel so unsure! I don't know if I want to live in the south of France for the next 10 years (because by then his daughter will be 18 so he can't go anywhere until then). How do I know that? I'm 25 and would like the option to move.

This job in London is a huge step for me, but I don't want to make the wrong choice and take this job when he's gone a long way to meet me half way here regarding marriage and our future. He wants a family with me and a house with me. Who am I to turn around and end it with him ? How can I do that?

I don't want to be 30 and look back with no boyfriend and no husband thinking.. what have I done? I just feel so lost and drifting from my friends and family back in the UK. It can be so lonely here as much as I try to make effort and make new friends by joining sports teams, etc here in France. But I find it SO much harder to meet other female friends here than I would back in England.

I want my social life back and to enjoy my twenties. But I know I'd feel sick not being with him

Re: Love or career. Heartbroken and tired

Posted: Sun Oct 15, 2017 2:29 pm
by snail
It is a really difficult decision; I've been thinking about your post since you wrote it, and I still don't really know what to advise (and others seem to feel the same).

A few things that occurred to me - it's not good that he gets annoyed at your frustration about moving house all the time and living in the country. You're right, it is SOLELY for his benefit, at least at the moment, as is living near his daughter by someone else, and you are dancing to his tune in a way that makes life harder for you. He should be able to allow that you're making sacrifices for him and at least not get annoyed that you're unhappy about it - his response is selfish and thoughtless.

You say you can't go anywhere for ten years, because of his daughter. By then you will have children of your own, so that will restrict you, although not as much of course.

There is always an element of the grass being greener when you're in a long term relationship - remember any new boyfriend will also come with some kind of ties and baggage, just different ties and baggage. Maybe the next one would be the reverse, and won't leave England because he won't leave the family he has here.

Conversely, there's always the element of "I can't imagine my life without him" in any long term relationship. Of course you can't, he's such a large and essential part of it. That, in itself, doesn't mean the relationship is right or even that you love him.

It just comes down to what you most want for your life. Is there any chance of a trial separation, i.e. you take this job for a six-month trial period?

Re: Love or career. Heartbroken and tired

Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2017 12:50 pm
by joannelouise
Thanks so much for your response. I appreciate it.

A lot has happened since then. The arguing has got a lot worse and I'm genuinely beside myself I feel so heartbroken and lost.

I appreciate that he lost his mum a few months ago so I'm sure a lot of it is down to this.. but just to name a couple of instances:

- A few weeks ago we were invited to a friend's housewarming party (a couple) - the girl is a friend of mine who is French and she had invited lots of friends we didn't know which would have been great for me because I needed to make more friends in France. I told Flo that I'd really like to go, but he said we couldn't because he had a rugby match the next day. I told him that I really wanted to go because it would be a great way for me to meet more friends and I would appreciate it if he made the effort - I would drive and he didn't need to drink and that we could only stay for a couple of hours and be home by 11 (it was an hour drive) but he still refused and got really angry saying that I should support his rugby and accept that . I was really hurt

- In the end we went for dinner locally ( I was in jeans and trainers) and after dinner he headed in another direction. When I asked him, he said "oh we're going to the party now, surprise!!) . I was SO ANGRY. The party dress code was heels, dresses, etc (dressy attire) and he knew this.. yet he was on his way to take me in trainers & jeans!? I was so upset and didn't understand why he's done this. As we were arguing and I was shouting in the car, he pulled over in a lay-by on the motorway and simply got out and left me in the car at 10p.m at night. I was left alone not knowing where he went, and when I called him on his phone he said that I could drive home as I had the GPS and he was sick of me shouting. I couldn't believe it, I didn't even know where we were

- Recently when I feel low about missing home, if he asks what's wrong and I tell him, he says things like "Oh you're missing home a lot recently, why don't you just go home if its that hard for you? which really hurts. I would prefer him to maybe ask what he could do do make me feel better, rather than make me feel even MORE lonely. So now if he ever asks what's wrong if I'm ever having a bit quiet, I just prefer not to tell him how I'm feeling

- Finally 2 nights ago, he lost his temper with me because I hadn't posted some paperwork of mine that his accountant had done for me (as bureaucracy in France is crazy!). I just got so busy and didn't get the time and I said to him that it had only been a couple of weeks since he gave me the letter so I would post it the next day. He then lost it and said "You're a liar. I gave it to you a month ago, why are you lieing?" , to which I replied oh.. I didn't realise it was a month ago, I'm sure you only gave it to me 2 weeks ago? He then continued to call me a liar and ask if I want him to go through his emails to find the date.

I just found it so pathetic and didn't understand why it was necessary to call me a liar. I told him that I'm tired of the way he speaks to me and that I'm not happy to which he said "well you say you're not happy a lot. Why don't you just leave then? Go away then?" . I was absolutely heartbroken and by this point I'd had enough. I have this job offer waiting in London and every time he speaks to me like this the resentment rushes through me..

So yesterday I went into my office , signed the contracts for the new job and handed in my notice. I've been deliberating over it for months and I thought if I didn't make a decision now while I'm angry, I NEVER would.

My company are trying everything to keep me and have offered me the same amount for the new job but to be based back home in the UK - with a promotion. I'm so confused and stuck on what to do :(

I told my boyfriend last night and he was absolutely heartbroken - he was SHOCKED and didn't see it coming at all - and said he will do anything to keep me - he'll move us away from the village towards the cenre... anything I want. But I told him that after the way he spoke to me the other night , calling me names like a Liar, I just feel I can't keep turning down amazing job offers that will enhance my career. He said that I'm his family and that of course he doesn't want me to leave, and that if I do take the job, he thinks that in the end I will lose him because of the distance (because we did long distance before). He said he's 32 now and wants to have more children so that I need to decide on what I want with him (he already has a daughter who I get on well with) but I'm only 24 and I don't think I do want children in the next couple of years.

Any objective advice would be helpful.. my heart is SO telling me to stay with him because I can't imagine my life without him.. but I feel like in France I'm seriously stagnating my career advancement, as well as quality time with my girlfriends and family.

I genuinely feel so depressed over this. I have been at work all day with swollen eyes. I just don't know what to do about this life changing decision

Re: Love or career. Heartbroken and tired

Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2017 2:06 pm
by reckoner
With each of your posts, I find myself further entrenched in my view that a sea change has occurred in your relationship: weaknesses have been exposed and the landscape has changed. You've hurt each other over this more than you had experienced with each other before, which may or may not be surmountable. If you do manage to stay together after this, the wells of resentment you both have to draw on in future arguments are now officially deeper.

In itself, that's not a reason to leave and could even strengthen the foundations of your relationship, but the accumulation of factors I've talked about before leaves me believing that leaving is the best option. That he's offered to give you want you want and that it would hurt you to leave him are just not sufficient reasons to stay as far as I'm concerned. Your relationship sounds too much to me like spending your life dragging a dog to a vet in order to pursue what's best for you.

David posted previously about the sacrifices required to be with a professional sportsman. Had you gone into it with your eyes wide open about the realities of life with him, then maybe it could have worked. But I wonder if you were a bit blinded by being in love and wanting to be together to consider it properly, fully understanding the impact on your future. Now you know as much as anyone can know about what that future will be like with him. If you don't like the sound of it, now is the perfect time to go...

Re: Love or career. Heartbroken and tired

Posted: Fri Oct 27, 2017 12:42 pm
by Lee R
Thought I would chip in with my take on things in your situation FWIW - some who read this will know I am in a slightly similar scenario with my wife as she doesn't want children yet and I do badly (wont bore with the details but post is on here)

Anyway what you have got to ask yourself here is how much will you be kicking yourself if you were to turn down your job back in the UK (as well as the chance to spend quality time with friends and family), how annoyed with yourself will you feel if you do stay and a few days/weeks/months down the line arguments flare up again. It will be a case of wondering what might have been both ways potentially whichever decision you make.

What you also have to consider here is how the resent will be if A) you turn the job down, stay in France with him and then things continue to be sour or B) you stay and build career in France but still don't want children in say 3 or 4 years

This will cause resentment potentially on both sides and take it from me that is not good at all, I am a few years older than your boyfriend and my wife is a few years older than you

I hope this little snippet is of help to you