Mixed messages

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Mixed messages

Postby Snowy79 » Sun Oct 15, 2017 11:45 pm

A couple of months ago I met a guy through a hobby we share. We got on really well and each time we met up as part of a group we would chat loads. We exchanged numbers and became Facebook friends and would regularly message each other. Then we started hanging out just the two of us once or twice a week. I really liked him immediately and he was so friendly I felt like he liked me too, but he never made a move, would just send me messages about what a good evening we had, how we were on the same wavelength etc. I was married at the time but he assumed I was single and I let him.

One weekend he texted me a song clip about being too shy to admit your feelings to someone. I asked if the clip was meant for me and when he said yes I admitted that I really liked him. He said he liked me too but had been through some bad relationships so found it hard to open up. We agreed to meet up to talk about it but he then said he really liked me but had decided it was best for him to stay single for a while to protect his own happiness, but wanted to stay friends.he said he just sent the song as it was a song he really liked.

We kept hanging out regularly one on one, then one Friday night we got drunk together and kissed. He admitted he did really like me and had intentionally sent the song but then panicked. We kissed for ages, he invited me back to his but I declined. He then walked me home hand in hand with more kissing. The next morning he said he needed the weekend to think and when he came back on Monday said he still thought it was best if we didn’t get into a relationship but he hadn’t meant to hurt me.

I then decided to leave my husband as I clearly wasn’t happy with him. I told this other guy that I had never meant to mislead him but I had let him believe I was single, but now I reallyvwas and I wanted to be honest with him. He said he wished I had told the truth from the start but he understood why I did it and said it wouldn’t affect our friendship.

Last Friday we went drinking again and after a few drinks he said he had been worried I was going to get back with my husband or use him to get back at my husband, but he now believed in my feelings for him. He apologised for his head being messed up and we kissed again, this time going back to his. He made it clear I could stay, talking about making me breakfast in the morning and after we did some stuff he was cuddling up and kissing me before going to sleep.

He was fine in the morning but from Sunday to Thursday I didn’t hear from him. I eventually met up with him on Thursday night, I asked why he had been weird and he said I wasn’t getting the message that we would never be in a relationship. I explained that from what he had said and done I thought he had changed his mind. We then carried on chatting like notmal. We texted a bit on Friday night but since then he has ignored all contact.

Does he like me but keep freaking out because he is so fixed on his happiness being linked to being single and he is scared of getting hurt? Or is he just using me?
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Re: Mixed messages

Postby snail » Mon Oct 16, 2017 7:11 am

Well it was clear from the beginning that he was at best ambivalent about being in a relationship together. I think you've read more into his behaviour than was really there each time and pushed things along a bit because you wanted to be with him, perhaps because your own situation made you vulnerable. It's probably slightly harsh to say he's using you - he's succumbing to temptation because the temptation is there but it doesn't sound like he planned it all from the start or anything like that. He's weak and rather shallow but not really malicious.

I would focus on yourself and getting things together after your split from your husband, which must have affected you. I think any time you put into this other man will almost certainly be time wasted.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: Mixed messages

Postby David020549 » Mon Oct 16, 2017 7:30 am

Quite often on these pages we get women complaining that their men have lost their sex drive causing a great deal of frustration, my guess is that your boyfriend is very embarrassed that he does not get aroused. It seems to be an increasing problem with men in their 30s, they like female company and are good company but when it gets intimate nothing happens.

There is a chance that because of one or two failures he has lost his confidence and if you are understanding the urge will return, so don't give up yet. It's definitely not because he finds you unattractive, so keep your own confidence high but be carefull, don't be too assertive.
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Re: Mixed messages

Postby Tarantula » Mon Oct 16, 2017 8:48 am

^^ I find that a strange response, as you didn't mention any kind of sexual dysfunction and to me that's tangential anyway.

Yeah, this guy doesn't want you. Hate to break it to you, especially as you cheated on your husband with him.

I think, one thing, one man at a time. You've just left someone who you made a mutual, formal, legally-relevant decision to be with for the rest of your lives; that's kind of a big deal. How do you feel about it? How does he feel about it?

You're in serious danger of burying your feelings about your marriage breakdown by flinging your feelings into another man who isn't really that special, but looks special if you've been starving for that excitement and closeness again, or whatever was missing in your marriage. This new guy looks better than he actually is simply because of the conditions under which you found him.

You are vulnerable and you need to take some time out to process the big changes going on in your life. Not revert back to some high school 'does he like me' drama.

But no, new guy doesn't want to be with you, he's been fairly consistent about that albeit with hiccups, but will nevertheless probably end up being happy to accept the fringe benefits of this not-relationship whilst keeping his options open to someone he fancies more. Every time he drops you like a hot potato, well, he can kind of fall back on 'but I told you I didn't want anything serious!'

Listen to him. Don't second guess him because you wish things were different. He's just not that into you and, if you keep chasing him anyway, then it starts to look like maybe YOU'RE not that into you, either.
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