Husbands/GFs/EXs- So confused

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Husbands/GFs/EXs- So confused

Postby I_need_Sugar » Wed Oct 25, 2017 3:01 pm

HI All

I am hoping someone who doesn't know my situation might be able to read this as a outsider and see things differently as right now I dont know if i have rose tinted glasses on and i am looking at this situation in the wrong light.

5 years ago I was with someone for a few months (He was 30 at the time) and hes never had a gf before myself, hes very introverted and very inexperienced with women, things were great at the start but he started becoming stressed at work and I never saw him and he then i find out he was out with his friends which really annoyed me. Anyway we tired for a while to make it work but nothing became of it when we split he was really devastated but we remained friends. However he was the one person I have ever been with that I have clicked with and he was that one person we could look at each other and knew what the other was thinking.
Over the years we have stayed in touch as friends (no feelings involved) and also been laughed at the same things, I've since got married (2 years ago) and he now has a long term partner.

However 2 weeks ago he had gone out with his friends and we were texting each other and the conversation changed to our past relationship and why we split and he was honest and said he was really into and liked me a lot but the stress with work became too much and he couldn't cope with everything. It was so nice to hear that because i generally thought at the time that he wasn't into me but it turns out I was completely wrong.

This conversation went on for hours and hours and we both realised there is unfinished business there and we both still have feelings with one another, he said he was "ready for this" as well as asking me about leaving my husband and asked me to meet him.he also kept asking me "was i winding him up and was this a joke". We spoke again the next morning and he said that everything he had said was correct, he didn't regret anything but we couldn't agree a time to meet up.
Since that night of conversation he has been very quiet so i text him and he said he feel awkward and doesn't know what to say as I am married but he hasn't met anyone like me.
I haven't heard from him all week but I did see him in a local venue on Saturday and we spoke for some time about things but nothing about the conversation between us was bought up which I do understand as it was a busy place and his mates were with him. He did text me when I left to say it was nice seeing me etc.
I have spoke to him this week and told him that me and husband has separated (long time coming) and he asked "if me and him would work things out" and i told him no, again not much else. I have asked him if he feels awkward around me and he said no hes just absolutely exhausted recently

I wanted to get an outsiders perspective as I dont know what to think, he very shy and not very forthcoming at all and hes always been like that.However when I told him me and my husband had split I think my expectations were that he would be jumping for Joy and he would leave his GF.
thank you all for reading.
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Re: Husbands/GFs/EXs- So confused

Postby reckoner » Thu Oct 26, 2017 1:40 pm

Whenever someone says that nothing-is-wrong-they're-just-tired, I'd guess that somewhere between 80 and 100% of the time, there very much is something wrong but that person doesn't want to discuss it with you to a degree that doesn't warrant further pursuit into it. Though you may not be able to know or guess what's up, I think it's safe to assume it's not good news for you.

I'm going to hazard a guess that when that long conversation about unfinished business happened, he'd had a beer or three. He was left feeling a bit awkward about it when he'd sobered up. That doesn't mean that what he said wasn't true, just that there is the deep-down-ideal-world where our true dreams and fantasies live and the cold-light-of-day real world where our actual long-term partners live. You've left your husband but he still has his girlfriend and leaving her is likely to be incredibly difficult no matter how much he likes you.

There obviously is something between you but until he can say to you "I'm single, I want to be with you, let's do this," it's not really worth thinking about. By all means stay friendly, but don't make any emotional investment in it.
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Re: Husbands/GFs/EXs- So confused

Postby Tarantula » Fri Oct 27, 2017 6:47 pm

Yeah, I expect he was drunk when he had that conversation, sobered up and remembered that he has a gf, you had a husband at the time and perhaps he's better off staying where he is. It's easy for us to run away with nostalgia sometimes...

He might be thinking what I'm thinking: that you left your husband for him. If he thinks that, regardless of whether it's true or not, he will also be feeling the weight of tremendous emotional pressure. So that might explain why he's backed off.

The past is nice to visit sometimes, but don't live there. It didn't work out for a reason. It was only a few months, which I know is just long enough to build a fantasy around it, just the right amount of familiarity and also mystery... but but but

There's no way he can live up to whatever pedestal you've put him on, perhaps as an escape from whatever the situation with your husband was.

I think you're vulnerable at this time, separating/divorcing is a big upheaval, perhaps it's for the best that he's not racing to come and rescue you.

In the end the same adages apply: if he wants you, he will tell you. Don't make excuses for him. Also don't tell yourself for one second that he doesn't know what you want. He knows you're interested. So it's really in his court.
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