8 year relationship ended to, 'find who she is'

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8 year relationship ended to, 'find who she is'

Postby lamb » Sun Nov 19, 2017 7:59 pm

Hi,
I have done a few searches online about this and although there are a few that are similar nothing quite seems to fit to my situation.

I have never been very good at getting things into words so if this seems very vague then i apologise. Anything anyone asks me i will add to the main thread so the next person can see it all easily.

Right; me and my girlfriend have been together for 7.5 years. we went to different schools and she was 15 now23 (i was 16 now 23)
We have lived together for the last 3 years, and last year we brought a house together, we also now have a cat.
we have been happy. Personally I've always been happy and never wanted anymore.

2 weeks ago she told me she wasn't 'happy' not much of an explanation as to why, and the next day she said everything was ok. so we had a really nice week, making more of an effort and watching a lot of films and cuddling up.
After a very drastic and scary Friday night (that i would rather not go in to. but will say she did a lot wrong and i did nothing wrong!)
she forced herself into telling me that she doesn't want us at the moment.
she wants to find herself, we rely on each other far to much, she doesn't know who she is, wants to be on her own. - she will not give me any hope in terms of saying this is just a break, to her this is the end.

i saw her the next day so we could go to our house get some clothes and the cat. she stayed at her parents house and i stayed at my mums house.
i then saw her the next day to get some more clothes, nothing was really said and we where obviously ignoring the elephant in the room.

she had to travel for work this week and stay the night (part of her new job) this isn't normal for her and she was very scared about it all.
we spoke a lot on the phone again being nice and joking around.

she stayed at home this week apart from working away and i stayed at my mums still there now.

I went to get some more items on Friday (in the day time) and didn't realise for a few hours that i had let my mums house key and she was away. i had to go there so i drive to the house and rang her saying i was outside so walked into the house.
we spoke a bit about it.
- she didn't want to hurt me and was sorry.
- she hasn't regretted our relationship ever, it was just what she needs to do.
- she still loved me
- she feels numb
- she was only upset after speaking to my mum as she then realised she had lost my family

i then saw her Saturday and is wasn't nice it just felt awkward, maybe it was just to soon after Friday.


i think this is the most of it. the main thing is this is so unlike her. and thats why it is such a shock (even to her family)
she always very down to earth and isn't rash with decision.
but she's not willing to get through this together and im just confused and scared.




She defiantly needs to be on her own, something in her head isn't herself right now. so I've tried not to text her today and will continue to do so.
but all advice is welcome and will be greatly received.

Thanks L
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Re: 8 year relationship ended to, 'find who she is'

Postby Tarantula » Mon Nov 20, 2017 10:49 am

Hi lamb

Sorry to hear of your troubles.

You know the best thing you can do right now, in this moment as you read this? ACCEPT HER DECISION. Here's why:

- By accepting that the relationship is finished, you are accelerating yourself through the recovery process instead of delaying it and wasting time
- By accepting that she knows herself, and is responsible for the words coming out of her mouth, and so if she decides she has made a mistake then it's up to her to let you know... you are showing both that you respect her (you're not trying to invalidate her choice) AND, more importantly, that you VALUE yourself. Self-value is attractive.
- The sooner you can swallow this event, and take the steps necessary to get back on your feet, the sooner she will think to herself 'maybe I rushed it.'
- If you DO NOT accept this plot twist, two things will happen: you will paralyse yourself and she will feel even more sure about breaking up. Nothing cements a dumper's confidence in their decision faster than their ex chasing even though they were just rejected.

Now of course, after 7.5 years, you want to think you're 'above' all this power play. But no matter how long you've been together, the principles don't change: if you can accept that she 's changed her mind and treat her, not with anger, but with calm and in-control-of-yourself-ness, it maximises the chances of her having second thoughts and, even if she doesn't, you will feel better looking back on this and knowing that you handled it.

So the best thing, accept it and DO NOT TEXT HER. If she texts you, just tell her, politely, that you would like some space and wish her the best. End. Then what? Cry your heart out, talk to mum, write on here, do whatever you need to do.... but let her be.

Some might say, nah, be real, don't worry about showing her how upset you are, that way she'll know you really cared... well, she already knows. She's had nearly 8 years to bask in how much you care and she's ultimately decided it's not enough for her and she wants to move on. Good decision? Time will tell. I think you both did very well to get through all the life changes of transitioning into adulthood together, but in this day and age, with the swiping and the commodification of relationships... it's just so easy to see the grass being greener somewhere else. What happened on that Friday night, btw? I wouldn't be surprised if she's found somebody else, not cheating necessarily, but interested, and that's accelerating her way out of this relationship. Sometimes we can't just break up; we need a place holder.

However overall, from what you've told us, it sounds like she's breaking up fair and square and so all you can do now is handle it, tell her you wish her well but then LEAVE IT ALONE... let time do it's thing. You will look back on all this later and see why it had to happen; probably when you yourself have met a new woman who you grow to love even more. Hard to imagine from here, I know.

What does mum think?

Keep us updated!
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Re: 8 year relationship ended to, 'find who she is'

Postby copperg » Mon Nov 20, 2017 2:43 pm

Ok, this sounds like my partner wrote it! We've been through a very rough patch in our relationship recently and have such a similar situation.

We've been together for 9 years. I was 14 and he was 16 when we met, now 23 and 25. We've been living together for two years and a half and have a 16 month old.

I've always been quiet, shy and self concious, and have never really felt like I know who I am or what I want. I hadn't been happy with our relationship for well over a year, but I guess I was scared of being alone and no one else wanting to be with me that I stayed with him until last month.

I'd just gotten a new job, working with people who were so outgoing, friendly and great fun - something I wasn't used to. It completely changed my outlook on life and made me realise that actually, things needed to change.

We talked, we argued, we were both unhappy, and I decided to take a break from our relationship. I had gotten so bored of him, and what we did. I felt awful, because I still loved him as a person, I just didn't want to be with him. I wanted to do something exciting, meet new people and have a good time.

We basically got in from work, sorted the baby out and didn't talk to each other. I can't even remember the last time we had a date night, or went out for the day just the two of us. Sex life was boring and repetitive. I needed something more (there's obviously a lot more to this than what I'm writing).

He moved in with his Mum for a couple of weeks and I stayed at our place.

I hit it off with a guy from my new job, gave me so much confidence, he helped me through my feelings, long story short, we kissed, slept together and that was it. The fun was over and I wanted/ needed to be back with my partner.

I can't really explain why or how that helped. No one else can really understand it from my point of view, I'm a b*tch in their eyes. I just needed to step out of my comfort zone, and do something new.

He's been back a week now and our relationship is better than ever. He knows everything that went on whilst we split, he's not happy about it, and I don't think he'll ever undertsand it, but he's accepted that it's something I had to do for my own sanity. We have talked so much in the last week and so much has changed. I'm so much happier and so is he.

I don't know whats going on in her head, but give her time. If you still want to be with her, then hug her when she needs it, talk to her when she wants to talk and leave her be when she needs to be alone and think.

It's a long time that you've been together, I don't know but I assume that you've only been in a relationship with each other given your age. You've gone through the most social time in your lives together and maybe she needs to do something new on her own before it's time to settle down.

She sounds so much like me, I'm genuinely scared your my partner writing this!

Give her time and good luck
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Re: 8 year relationship ended to, 'find who she is'

Postby lamb » Tue Nov 21, 2017 12:01 am

spoke today, told her i was going to 'leave her alone' for a couple of weeks so i could deal with it all bit more and understand it better.
but made sure she knew i was just at the other end of the phone!
i told her im respecting her need for space. and told her i understand her decision but dont really get it yet.

she still feels numb. and im trying really hard to understand it....
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Re: 8 year relationship ended to, 'find who she is'

Postby stephie2 » Fri Dec 08, 2017 12:49 pm

I think you are doing the right thing. Let her have her space but don't wait forever you need to have a life too
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