Stick with my new partner?

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Stick with my new partner?

Post by Rossi » Tue Nov 21, 2017 12:36 pm

So I'm currently in a situation where I'm now living with my new girlfriend that I love dearly but I'm finding it very hard to settle and move on after the breakdown of my marriage.

I was with my ex for 12 years and married for 6 but this ended 10 months ago (Jan 2017) after some realisation that things hadn't been right for a number of years. We have 3 children together (son 10yrs, twin girls 5yrs) and the stress of life, work and kids (the twins especially) simply got the better of us and we drifted to the point where sex was nonexistent and it became more like a sibling relationship. The split wasn't hostile and we although it was painful, we agreed it was for the best.

The problem I have now is that I moved on very quickly and met someone new within weeks of moving out of the family home. I don't like to think of it as a rebound but I expect that there's some truth in this. I didn't intend on getting into anything serious so quickly but this women made me feel amazing. We have so much common ground and then of course there's the sex... the intimacy that I'd been craving for so long. My ex wasn't the most affectionate person to begin with but this stopped years ago and caused issues within the marriage. Now that I was receiving attention and affection willingly, it made me want more.

At first it worked really well. I have the kids 3 days per week on average. Week one would be two midweek days, and then week two would be the two midweek days along with the weekend. This was perfect for everyone as I got to spend quality time with my children, my ex got her space she clearly needed and then my new girlfriend had time to see her friends and family during the times I had the kids; I, on the otherhand didn't have as much 'me' time as maybe I should've had after seemingly being blinded by this new relationship I had embarked on. Anyway, things worked well for a while and I was happy to have different focuses in my life and things were going well.

After 6 months into the relationship, I needed to look for a new place to live as the tenancy on my new flat was coming to an end. My girlfriend and I had discussed maybe moving in together and the idea seemed like a good one. After all, she'd met my kids a few times (and they love her to bits), I enjoy spending time together and with a joint income, we could get a bigger house which would be great for the kids. After a few conversations we decided to view a property to rent and we instantly loved it. It was exactly what we were hoping for.

So, we moved into the new property in August this year. It was exciting. It was a blank canvass and the kids loved it too.

Once we were in and settled I started to feel anxious. I couldn't put my finger on it but things didn't sit well with me. Things felt wrong at times. This was mainly while the kids were with us. Maybe I was feeling guilty over the fact I'm playing happy families with someone new? As the weeks went on I found it hard to put a face on and it became apparent that I wasn't being my usual self. We spoke and I suggested that it was due to the whole transition and I'll/we'll be fine. I still really really like this women at this point but my anxiety levels are staring to increase massively. Our loving, flirty text conversations became less frequent. Nice messages but not the same as they were. We're now in November and I'm now very confused with my situation. I want to be with this woman but I simply cannot shake this feeling I have. There's a wall up and I'm struggling to bring it down. It's causing an atmosphere no matter how hard I'm trying to mask it. I really don't know why I'm feeling like this. Is it grief over my marriage? Am I feeling guilty? Is/was it too soon?

Right now I feel the best thing to do would be to end things. It's not fair on either of us and clearly things aren't the same as they were but I don't want to lose her.

If anyone has been in a similar position or could offer any advice I'd be very grateful.

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Permanent Fixture
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Re: Stick with my new partner?

Post by Tarantula » Wed Nov 22, 2017 11:15 am

It seems there were no actual problems until your mind started created problems.

Unless you're not being entirely honest with yourself in how you describe how good everything was before. Was it? Or was it a rebound? Just how much truth to that is there?

It's okay for things to start off from the uneasy foundation of a rebound... if it turns out that there's genuine compatibility there. Would you have chosen this woman if you weren't down on your emotional resources when you met? If no, THEN there's a problem... but if it's just that you can't believe your luck and how good everything has turned out, then I would say.... try to stop creating problems out of nothing!

On the other hand, is there a part of you that just wants to be free and single and experience all that excitement more before you get tied into another longterm relationship?

Also how has your ex responded to all of this? Is she with someone new too?

Lots of questions and not much I can say conclusively, unfortunately. If everything really is exactly how you've described it then my answer is: if it ain't broke, don't fix it. BUT, paradoxically, if everything truly WAS how you've described it, and you've left nothing out... then you wouldn't be writing this in the first place.

So something's gone amiss. Could be that you had this idea that an eternally loving, exciting lifelong relationship was just around the corner if you left your wife... and now you realise, that after a honeymoon period, the magic always wears off and you're disillusioned. Are you regretting the separation, now that you see that the magic never lasts longterm... unless you work on it? Are you chasing the feeling rather than an actual desire to build a future with one person?

I'm not sure.

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Re: Stick with my new partner?

Post by stephie2 » Fri Dec 08, 2017 11:45 am

I think personally you have moved on way too fast and now the realisation has set in.

You have had no time to recoup from the break up before you have moved into a new house together and "replaced" your old life. Of course when you first meet someone the lust is there and it all seems exciting but over time the newness wears off and you have to face reality that you are now in a relationship that is routine etc. I think you need to talk to your current partner and ask her how this is making her feel too and talk about your own feelings. Also you need to think why you are feeling this way. Are you still recovering from your ex and how do you feel about her? Is she with someone new?

To be honest I am surprised that your kids have settled so quickly as to be honest it is a big thing for children to accept so quickly. I think it is important to go slow when there are children involved.

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