Can you convince someone to leave?

[Mrconfused74]

A friend of mine has been having problems in her marriage for about a year now, initially she wouldn’t open up but over time she has. She says she loves him as the father of her children but that’s it. He seems very reluctant to help around the house, although will do some bits. Leaving her to do the majority of jobs, cleaning cooking looking after the kids etc. As well as Work! He does put her down quite a lot, and seems very disinterested in her life, and always wanting to do his own thing. Yet if she asks for help, he says she’s moaning. She’s admitted it’s a sexless marriage although if they do she says she feels violated after. I told her to tell him how she feels, and he’s just passed it off as more moaning, and when she said maybe she should leave he’s done nothing to suggest he wants her to stay. He even said they feel like they drifted apart and she agreed. They do seem to row a lot even in front of the kids, and he always shouts her down, as if to exert his dominance on her as he knows she will back down. I’ve told her to get advice but the only person she’s spoken too is me. I told her he’s bullying her, and making her feel like no one else will want her, she says she has to try for the sake of the kids, when it seems to me all she does is bend to his wishes and change to suit him, and he does nothing in return. I know you can’t tell someone they should leave, or that there marriage is in trouble, she’s very proud and doesn’t want people to think she’s failed. You have to make your own choices in life, I just see that she is unhappy, always tired and run down from the whole thing. On the outside he’s the loving caring husband and father but behind doors it’s a different story. I guess I’m tying to get any opinions as if she won’t talk to anyone at least I can go back to her with something.

[stephie2]

I am afraid it is not your choice to make. Only she can decide whether to leave him or not. All you can do is be supportive of her and to be there if she needs you.

It doesn't sound a great relationship at all and I do feel sorry for her children in all of this as you have stated that they are always falling out in front of the children. In my experience I have known people stay together for the children but it has never worked and their children have often been glad when they have split up just because they don't have to hear the fallings out anymore.

Maybe she ought to stand up for herself more with regards to the cleaning etc as well as working as to be fair if they both work then it should be split equally. Also if she is no longer interested in sex then she shouldn't be just doing it for the sake of it. She needs to speak to her husband about this and make him listen. If she feels violated then it is not good to let it continue to happen.

Just because a marriage ends does not make her a failure and I would encourage her to think differently about that to help to boost her confidence and support. I would sit and talk to her and just tell her that you will be there for her no matter what but you are sad to see her so down and upset all the time. Don't ever tell her what to do but listen to her and support her where you can.

[Mrconfused74]

Thanks, I have tried that, she will moan about him, or say he’s just got in from work and fallen asleep, yet then she’ll say oh he did empty the bin, or fill the dishwasher almost like she’s sticking up for him. He has also cheated on her twice, but has forgiven him, it is almost as if he’s convinced her that no one will want her so her only option is to stay. She did say he would never leave so she would have too but would need money behind her to do that! It’s just frustrating when you see someone is unhappy but can’t do anything to help xx

[stephie2]

I think it is something that she is going to have to work out for herself I am afraid. You can only do so much but eventually she will have to start to stand up for herself and her children. I would personally tell her its not ok for her kids to have to suffer the upset of all this and that she has to also consider them in her decisions.

[Juliegg]

Mrconfused74 you sound like a good friend. This is exactly the situation I find myself in. The reason I don't leave is that I feel sorry for him

I hope your friend eventually has the courage to leave him.

As everyone else has said you cant do anything to help her along but just be there for her, you will be making a big difference to her by just being there for her.

JGG