Advice needed bedroom isnt shaking anymore

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Advice needed bedroom isnt shaking anymore

Postby hodges990 » Fri Feb 02, 2018 5:47 pm

I just want other peoples advice on this and how to proceed further.

been in a relationship now for nearly 5 years and i suppose its like any normal relationships its had its highs and its lows but in the past have managed to get out of the lows rather easily

UNTIL NOW !!!

recently my partner hasn't really been wanting any intimacy in the bedroom, or in the matter of fact anywhere where normal people would be intimate. i get home from work and shes at one end of the sofa and im at the other.

now i like to think that im a good bf i help around the house with house work i hold down a full time job, i do all the cooking, we have children together and i help out as mush as i can with childcare.

i would completely understand her being off with me if i was lazy didnt work, didnt help around the house, but like i said before i like to think that i try to help a lot

anyways when it comes to the bedroom department thats where the relationship kinda breaks down. i dont like to see myself as a horny man that wants in 24/7 but i like to think that we can be intimate like 2 times a week and from what ive read on other posts thats really the average, but recently when i have been "trying it on" there always seems to be some excuse, "im tired" "im not in the mood" "all you want is sex" "im to stressed out" now at the beginning i would kind of understand and just maybe try and cuddle.

but the more and more it goes on the more it puts a lot of thoughts into my head about is it something about me is it something i have done is she interested in someone else is she not attracted to me anymore and has actually started to cause some arguments. every time i try and talk to her about it she gets really angry and starts to shout and then at the end we are both shouting and dont talk for a while i sleep on the sofa and shes in the bed. other times i try and talk about it she just seems to think that its the only thing i have got on my mind. i have opened up to her about the thoughts that are in my head. and she either tells me to man up or will just shrug it off. once she has tried it on after i have really opened up about it but it just felt like she was trying it on out of pity and made me feel really bad

so really advice is needed from the outside world and i thought this the best place to come. let me know your thoughts guys.
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Re: Advice needed bedroom isnt shaking anymore

Postby David020549 » Sat Feb 03, 2018 3:05 pm

Many couples have this sort of problem at some stage in their relationship, it is not at all unusual for women to go off sex for a while only to revive even stronger, do you really do all the cooking?, so is she working?. If not then depression or insecurity is bothering her so do what you can to make her feel good, flowers, chocs, nights out or weekend away. Expecting sex twice a week is over the top, it's much better to aim for quality not quantity, a really good romp is better than a couple of quickies and make sure that you take to time to get her properly aroused.

Stop pressuring her for sex and don't sulk about it, make sure you kiss and cuddle which gives her the opportunity to respond.

Is she having an affair?. Don't let her know that you suspect because that will make it worse, casually look for the signs, happy one day sad the next, perfume and dress changes, be interested in her day, but be careful not to draw a wrong conclusion to any pattern.
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Re: Advice needed bedroom isnt shaking anymore

Postby hodges990 » Sat Feb 03, 2018 6:26 pm

ok thats some good advice. i shall take that into consideration

i do all the cooking yes, its my profession so i don't really blame her for letting me cook.
she is working on a part time basis, but she is more interested in picking up more hours at work than spending time together. i finish early when i can to come home and spend time with her. but when i do she is more interested in going to work either earlier or going in on her day off, she says its to pick up more hours, now i would understand that if we were short on money but we are not my salary very easily covers our expenses plus some and the money she earns is an added extra, so my question really is when i finish early to come and see her why does she not want to take that opportunity to spend time with me,

i do try to surprise her with gifts and affection for example she is a massive harry potter nerd so if i see anything relating to harry potter i try to surprise her with those things along with lighting some candles when its dinner time to set the mood. i suppose i could try and do it more often.

with regards to sex i dont expect it twice a week its just something i read and with regards to the quality i really do agree that having one good "session" once in a while rather than a quick hump all the time is better,

i do often give her back rubs and cuddles when she wants them and kiss but it never really goes any further than that as i said previously she just seems to fall asleep whilst its happening or will just cut it off once shes had her fair share if you get my point

but i do appreciate the feedback and if you have anymore than i can try to do or consider please do share
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Re: Advice needed bedroom isnt shaking anymore

Postby David020549 » Sun Feb 04, 2018 6:10 am

This sounds like two singles living together because it's convenient, the relationship has gone stale and all there is to look forward to is more of the same. It does not help you being a chef, she cannot even hope to do a credible job in the kitchen which is where a woman would hope to succeed and feel confident, hence the escaping into Harry Potter.

Relationships need to progress, where will you be in five years, married, kids, new kitchen, new house, new car, nice holidays and lots more. Her problem is quite likely fear of the future, more of the same does not appeal but she has no other options.

I'd be interested to hear what the ladies on PP have to say.
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Re: Advice needed bedroom isnt shaking anymore

Postby hodges990 » Sun Feb 04, 2018 11:39 am

i completely agree with the two people living together for convenience and i have brought that up in conversations, i do love her and i do want to be with her. we do have children together and she is a great mother and person and when we are good we are really good but it just feels like that has sort of dropped of the scale for about 3-4 months. with regards to the cooking, should i let her take charge of that? should i ask her if she wants to take charge of it? when we first got together she acted like it was a god send because she told me the one thing about the house hold chores she hated was the cooking, so i just assumed that is the job she wanted me to undertake.

like i said i do love her and i want our relationship to be strong like it used to be. maybe it is just a waiting game making sure she knows i am there for her, giving her little surprises along the way, maybe its just a bump in the road (all be it a big bump lol) and in the coming future it might get back to where it was good.

i would love a woman's insight in all of this too.
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Re: Advice needed bedroom isnt shaking anymore

Postby Tarantula » Sun Feb 04, 2018 3:29 pm

The notion that the kitchen is where a woman would hope to succeed and feel confident, for no reason other than that she happens to be a woman, reads like something from a Jane Austen novel.

So please ignore that one, hodges. I would also take with a pinch of salt the assertion that wanting sex twice a week is over the top. It isn't.

It sounds to me like you are a sensitive, attentive, thoughtful partner and I sense that she is taking you for granted. Unless there are other relevant factors that you've left out, this is happening because you have become totally predictable to her. Humdrum predictability kills attraction. New relationships are exciting precisely because the other person is unfamiliar. Relationships go stale when routine becomes king.

So, I think you need to find ways to break the pattern and become a little bit unpredictable, whilst not being sulky or putting any kind of guilt on her. After all, she isn't obliged to have sex with you. And you're not obliged to stay the same as a result.

For example, perhaps you might let her know one day 'hey babe, I'm not doing dinner tonight because [friend] and me are going to do [some new activity].' If that's not something you would normally do, she will immediately wonder what's up.

If you base your life around her too much, she'll see it as weakness deep down, and start to re-assess her options. Nice guys are nice but niceness isn't sexy. I'm not saying to go to opposite extremes, but y'know, watch some Scarface and tone down the nicey gestures a little bit - until she shows due appreciation.

On another note, it's possible that her sex drive is down for some other circumstantial reason. But it sounds like you've already tried to explore that, so I think, this is a classic case of longterm love getting a bit frosty. If you want to change that, you need to do something differently, rather than continue in the same direction.

Take up a new interest, get out and about more, and let her wonder why. Let her get a little bit nervous like 'what is he up to'. This creates tension, although I do mean a LITTLE BIT. Don't overdo it. You want to start working some mystery back in to your relationship. You can achieve that by building on your life OUTSIDE of the relationship (whether you're newly dating or five years married with six kids - doesn't matter) and therefore demonstrating that you are capable of getting on with stuff without her. This in turn will make you more interesting and therefore sexy. Always wanted to take a photography class? Sign up and do it. Need to get down the gym? Go for it. Want to take a couple of days off and go to the Canaries? Off you go (making arrangements regarding the kids of course).

All of this is assuming that she isn't cheating on you. You haven't said anything about that so I assume she isn't.
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Re: Advice needed bedroom isnt shaking anymore

Postby David020549 » Mon Feb 05, 2018 8:54 am

You hadn't mentioned kids, that makes a difference, an affair is less likely but brings a whole lot of other influences on why she has changed. You are a chef building your career, unsocial hours, weekends, split shifting most probably and that is not family friendly, have you been leaving her alone with the kids evenings and weekends?, is that why she does not want more of the same. By you own account you love her and do a great deal that should please her but you are away working a lot.

If the above post is right and your girlfriend prefers the fantasy of Harry Potter to Jane Austen and young women are looking for the exciting spontaneous life described, it perfectly feasible if you're single but is this a realistic aim when you have 2 or 3 kids. Should Hodges give up well paid chef work and get a proper 9 to 5 job at lower wages to fit in with family life?, a lot of couples have this dilemma, maybe she has already decided to split and is waiting for the right time.

What to do, as this has been going on for a few months give it a few weeks more, if nothing changes ask her directly if she wants to split and why, depending on the answers decide what to do, don't try to change her mind because once the attraction for you has gone, it gone for good. I do realise you will be very disappointed but try not to argue about it because it will end up a a flaming row and the police will arrive, they will take her side, you will be accused of all sorts of abuse, you cannot and will not win.
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Re: Advice needed bedroom isnt shaking anymore

Postby stephie2 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 12:46 pm

Is there an opportunity to have a night away as a treat to maybe get some of the fun back into the relationship? Sometimes we get stuck in a routine and it is hard to get out of it when in it.

It might be worth taking her away for a night and having some fun time then it could lead to a nice evening.
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Re: Advice needed bedroom isnt shaking anymore

Postby hodges990 » Wed Feb 07, 2018 12:50 pm

ok thanks for the advice i think it is just a case of time and see where it ends up

cheers
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Re: Advice needed bedroom isnt shaking anymore

Postby boulding » Mon Feb 19, 2018 3:41 pm

Hi this isn’t really just about sex is it. It’s about lack of communication big time. You don’t know what is going on with her and she doesn’t know what is going on with you. You seem to want to solve a problem without defining what the problem actually is. I don’t see how you can find a solution if you don’t interact with each other in any way at all. Gifts and lighting candles are all very nice but its just treating the symptoms not the cause.
You describe sitting a different ends of the sofa every night and that is a massive visual clue that’s something is wrong. You say you have tried to talk but that’s just ended in anger and shouting so either you have approached it in the wrong way and been accusatory or she’s over reacted, gone on the defensive and flared up. The result is that you feel rejected and get more uptight.
Sex really isn’t the most important thing in a relationship but when it goes really wrong it’s often indicative of deeper problems.
Things seem to be very fraught between you at the moment and I think the best thing you can do is back off and take all the pressure off her. Just give her a bit of space to sort herself out. I think if she felt more relaxed you might be able to talk. If you really can’t then write her a letter and tell her how you feel.
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