Second time marriage and I'm bored

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Second time marriage and I'm bored

Postby Impy2 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 8:49 pm

Hi,
As title. Got married 4 years ago for the second time and I wish I hadn't. I'm late 50s and wonder should I stay or get out. My main reason for not going is I don't want to heart my wife but is it fair on her. She has no idea I'm not happy. Friends tell me I should stay as you are better half happy as you might end up on your own or take I'll and be left with no one. But I'm not content. I think. I'd rather be taking girls out now and again with no commitment. Please advise what I should do. Thanks
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Re: Second time marriage and I'm bored

Postby stephie2 » Wed Feb 07, 2018 9:41 am

What is it that you are not happy with? Have you tried to talk about the issues to improve things? Do you want to improve things?
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Re: Second time marriage and I'm bored

Postby Impy2 » Wed Feb 07, 2018 10:11 am

No don't really want to fix things. I don't really love her is the problem. I'd love to be back dating again. Am I a bad person :(
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Re: Second time marriage and I'm bored

Postby reckoner » Wed Feb 07, 2018 4:22 pm

I presume by 'girls', you mean to include those women closer to your own age group. [-o<

You may not be a bad person, but you do seem to have quite a casual attitude towards your marriage. Maybe as a thought exercise, you can go back to the day you took your vows with her and try to remember what made you do that. Did you love her then? If you did, what caused it to change? And is that down to her or you?

If you didn't really love her to begin with, or you can no longer identify with the person you were when you did, perhaps you are both better off out of it. But before you do anything, maybe you need to figure out what you really want from life. Do you want to be free as a bird, even when your health is beginning to fail and you're no longer the catch you were?

Your ambition seems to be about enjoying the here and now. While that's fair enough, and a good attitude to have to a degree, I think luck works on a law of diminishing returns, and the more you need it, the less you get, until it runs out altogether. So I think the least both you and your wife deserve is to think about the decision carefully. Whether you like it or not, you could be making a long-term commitment to something, and your friends are right, it could be to being alone.

That might not be a bad thing, as long as your eyes are wide to the possibility and all its implications.
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Re: Second time marriage and I'm bored

Postby Tarantula » Thu Feb 08, 2018 11:23 am

So long as they're consenting adults, who cares what age of woman he wants to date? :P

However the bit that stood out for me was that your wife has 'no idea' that you're not happy. This tells me that you're not close enough for her to have a clue and makes me wonder yeah, like, why did you marry her then.

I mean if my partner was unhappy I would know. We talk about everything. We're open and honest with each other, no matter how hard it might be sometimes to admit to certain things. Isn't that... kind of part of the marriage package? When looks fade, what else do you have to fall back on but a mutual understanding and acceptance of each other and jolly good conversations?

So yeah you do seem to have a 'whatever' attitude towards your wife which is unusual. No, you're not a bad person at all UNLESS you've been signing up to online dating/messaging women etc, in which case, yes, you are a bad person. It's the coward's way out. It's the coward's way of forcing the issue that the relationship isn't working and is an entirely selfish way of treating someone.

Just be honest and tell her the truth; that you're not in love anymore (if you ever were), and that you want out. I mean we can speculate all we want but you've been clear as a bell about that. Don't stay just because you don't wanna be alone. I know a lot of people do that. It's mediocre to settle for someone for that reason. Then again, it's also mediocre to settle for dissatisfying rat-race day jobs, drinking with people who only see you to drink, spending Christmas with people you don't like and listening to Status Quo. :P So against that backdrop, I guess it's only natural to want to stay in a comfortable pair of slippers and sort of mozy through life.

But you're not happy. That's the most important thing. You're not happy, so let her know and let her go to find someone better suited for her.

The truth will set you free!
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Re: Second time marriage and I'm bored

Postby stephie2 » Fri Feb 09, 2018 11:07 am

Impy2 wrote:No don't really want to fix things. I don't really love her is the problem. I'd love to be back dating again. Am I a bad person :(


What would make you a bad person is if you were stringing her along or cheating on her. If you no longer love her and you don't want to be there then you will have to be honest and tell her. Its not fair on her if you stay and you don't love her.
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Re: Second time marriage and I'm bored

Postby boulding » Sun Feb 18, 2018 5:07 pm

Hi
It’s your life and you have a right to be happy but just don’t do anything rash.
I think many people if they are honest find the first few years of marriage rather unsettling. It’s totally different from dating someone or living with them because you’ve made a commitment to them to spend the rest of your lives together and that’s massive. It’s not wrong to have doubts or second thoughts but what would be wrong would be to throw the towel in without making any attempt to live up to the vows you’ve made. Four years isn’t long compared to the rest of your life.

You say you miss casual relationships and certainly the excitement of dating and the attention of the opposite sex can make us feel good. Try to think of ways you can get a bit of adrenaline and the feelgood factor in your life without being unfaithful.

Have you thought of taking a holiday on your own so you could look at things from a different perspective and perhaps identify what really is wrong and then make a real effort to alter things. Perhaps you both need more space in the marriage.

If you’ve done everything you can and you really can’t see a solution then the fairest thing is to dissolve the marriage in the least hurtful way you can. At least you will have a clear conscience that you have at least tried to resolve the situation.
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