Old acquaintance - Is it a "catch up" or more than that?

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Old acquaintance - Is it a "catch up" or more than that?

Postby moonstar » Thu Feb 22, 2018 3:43 pm

An ex-boyfriend from about 25 years ago passed away recently and out of courtesy I informed his old housemate and wife (who I had been friends with and still had their address). I saw his housemate at the funeral and it turned out that he and his wife had split up some 5 years ago. Since then we have kept in touch (him to me first) via text message - nothing major just "hi how are you" sort of messages and exchanged a few old photo's of those days gone by. Anyway, he recently asked me if I would like to go out for lunch and a catch-up, to which I agreed. Thing is - I really don't know the score here - does he have an ulterior motive or is it just a catch-up? I still saw him and his wife for a few years after I split with his housemate and lost touch around 20 years ago when they moved away although I always sent them a Christmas card. I was quite close to his wife. He was extremely good looking in his younger days and as an older guy he is still quite attractive. I've never really thought of him as "fair game" as he's always been my "friend's husband". I am totally useless at relationships - I have a string of unhealthy relationships under my belt - the only thing I'm good at is picking guys who are sociopaths/narcissists (of varying degrees) who invariably cheat on me. This has left me very distrustful of men in general and no confidence in my ability to have a healthy relationship so I haven't been near a bloke in over 5 years - gave them up! In short - I just don't know how to act, what to do or what to say. Help please?
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Re: Old acquaintance - Is it a "catch up" or more than that?

Postby Tarantula » Thu Feb 22, 2018 8:03 pm

Hi moonstar

I hear you on the narc front.

I'm mindful that if he ISN'T one of those, and if he IS interested in you, then you will find a way to overthink it/complicate things/just inexplicably 'not be feeling it' - in other words, that you will be subconsciously looking to sabotage a potentially good thing because it would be so unfamiliar to you.

If you really do have a string of unhealthy relationship experience to the point of eschewing all men, then I do hope that in the time you've taken to yourself, these past five years, that you've developed healthy boundaries and are no longer attracting these predatory types. I'm sure you've read enough to know how vital recovery is, preferably before dating again, in order to protect yourself and rebuild your self esteem after each damaging encounter.

Anyway. About this man.

Yeah I don't know, if you don't know, how can we know?! I would say, meet him and see how it goes. Try not to think too much, just see it as a good catch up with an old friend and see how he behaves.

And let us know. :)

Million dolla question: how do you WANT it to go..?
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Re: Old acquaintance - Is it a "catch up" or more than that?

Postby boulding » Sat Feb 24, 2018 2:39 pm

There is no need to overthink this.
It’s highly unlikely he will propose marriage over the starter and even less likely he will demand sexual favours over the main course. The lunch won’t be at all awkward because you will have plenty to talk about such as the past, your friend/ his ex partner and what you both have been doing over the intervening years. You could perhaps mention casually that you’ve had some bad experiences on the dating scene and intend to take future relationships very slowly. Choose a restaurant that is relaxed, inexpensive and casual and have an excuse ready that you have to leave after two hours ie you need to get back to work or something.
You’ll probably find you have a really enjoyable time talking about old times. If he suggests a further meeting just say coolly you’ve really enjoyed catching up but you’re a bit busy at the moment (with work, elderly relatives, going on holiday, just think of something) and suggest he texts you in a couple of weeks. Even if you like him it won’t hurt to play hard to get. This will give you a bit of thinking time and you can then either arrange a further meet up or make an excuse by text.
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Re: Old acquaintance - Is it a "catch up" or more than that?

Postby stephie2 » Mon Feb 26, 2018 10:01 am

You are both single and it is just lunch and a catch up. If you want to go then go. It doesn't have to be anything more than lunch if you don't want it to be and hey he might not be interested in anything more either.

Just think about what you want from it and go with a clear head.
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