Girl with a really bad past, can I trust her...

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Looking for love :(
Just Landed
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Girl with a really bad past, can I trust her...

Post by Looking for love :( » Tue Feb 27, 2018 10:19 pm

Hello everyone, I’ve been reading the forum for a while and I think it’s time for me to start being an active user with my set of problems...

Story I have to tell is really complicated and messed up, so please bear with me and maybe someone can reassure me in what I’m doing or point out that this is not worth my time or effort.
Ok, so I’m a single dad, looking after my wonderful daughter. A year ago I met a girl online, single mum with a child, through a dating website - she was really amazing in terms of how many similar topics we had together and how everything was just clicking.

My ex wife was really abusive in terms of not looking after our daughter, lying, drinking and probably having someone on the side too, when I was working and providing for my family.
That girl told me at one point that she was a cheater too, apparently her ex husband was never into sex and they were doing it once every few months. When she got pregnant (for the sake of saving her marriage) he wasn’t touching her for nine months, and after she gave birth it was even less frequent. She started looking for someone while being married and she was seeing one bloke for few months. After he went out of the window she was sleeping with another guy for almost a year, that obviously faded away too and she was seeing another person. After him she was talking to several men but she says she never slept with them, was in a relationship with someone from a different country but she went to see him once but apparently they didn’t have sex.

After she had a divorce she found out that her ex approached her brother sometime during the relationship and wanted to have sex with him, which explains why he was avoiding getting close and why it was so infrequent. He was possibly bisexual or maybe gay as they’re both from Middle East and being gay there is forbidden so he maybe got married for the sake of making his family happy.

She told me about everything and was terrified that I might run away as she said she knows she doesn’t deserve to be happy after how she was in the past. She begged me not to look at her by the things she’d done in the past but by how changed she is now.

I am fighting with my thoughts, it’s been over a year now and I can’t seem to start trusting her, and just visualising her doing what she did and then coming back home to her child and ex husband like nothing happens is making me sick.

She did all of it while being unaware that he might be gay, so for me it’s really bad. I don’t really know what to think about it as she seem to be completely changed now, deleted all her social media accounts long before she met me, she’s being faithful so far but it’s been only a year... what can I expect from her? She keeps saying she loves me and wants to be with me forever but how can I be sure about it when she was cheating multiple times in the past????? Once a cheater always a cheater or can people change and become better????

David020549
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Re: Girl with a really bad past, can I trust her...

Post by David020549 » Wed Feb 28, 2018 9:08 am

This girl has told you what she wants you to know and it's pretty chequered, don't be surprised if it is not quite reality. She will most likely stay loyal if you treat her well and she is happy and secure, so trust her to a degree but if her mood changes there will be something going on.
You might just be the man of the moment, maybe she will meet a man from her own culture or become homesick, you will never be sure.

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Tarantula
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Re: Girl with a really bad past, can I trust her...

Post by Tarantula » Wed Feb 28, 2018 6:23 pm

You have to give people a fair chance.

If she's shown remorse for previous actions, which were nothing to do with you... then I say, give her a clean slate.

Cheating isn't something people just do completely from their own side. It depends on many things. I understand where you're coming from, but if she's told you all of this and been honest and given an explanation as to why she used to behave like that, and why she won't do that with you......... it has to be innocent until proven guilty.

There is no other fair way. Of course, if she gives you reason to have suspicions then it would be safe to assume that she's up to her old antics.

But if there's no sign of that, then, carry on.

stephie2
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Re: Girl with a really bad past, can I trust her...

Post by stephie2 » Fri Mar 02, 2018 8:28 am

The past is the past and she could have not told you and you would have been none the wiser.

The fact that this woman has told you everything about her past in the hope of having no secrets in your relationship speaks volumes.

She has told you all her secrets and you know about it all now. Give the girl a chance and only raise it as an issue if there is an actual issue or you have some grounds to question it.

Looking for love :(
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Re: Girl with a really bad past, can I trust her...

Post by Looking for love :( » Sun Apr 29, 2018 5:47 pm

So... I caught her talking to someone behind my back yesterday. It was someone from her culture, she send her pictures and was telling him how much she wants to have a clean start after her bad marriage... It was lots of kisses between both sides and smiley faces...
I think it shows that I was indeed right to never keep my guard down and be a bit suspicious. Sad part is that we spent more than a year together, which I never get back.
Even if she didn’t do it physically this time, for me it is cheating and I can’t accept it.
We split up, I blocked her everywhere possible and I think what I’ll do is completely stop looking for anyone else and just focus on raising my daughter.
Maybe relationships aren’t for everyone, just some of us are more lucky than the others.

David020549
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Re: Girl with a really bad past, can I trust her...

Post by David020549 » Mon Apr 30, 2018 9:30 am

Anyone that has had a bad past ( male or female) and tells you all about it is a doubtful prospect, on one hand they are being honest on the other hand it salves their conscience - well I told you what I was like. Partners from a different culture are most difficult, not just race or religion but class, lifestyle, regional even districts do have an influence, love can overcome any of these but it is more difficult.
There are genuine girls out there who through no fault of their own have been let down, they may tell you how badly they have been treated but their past is behind them and they want to move on, as you get to know them piece together the whole picture then decide. As you are a single dad get involved in school activities, the single mums there are a good place to start rather than online sites because you can see them in the day to day routine rather than having prepared themselves for you.

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Re: Girl with a really bad past, can I trust her...

Post by stephie2 » Mon Apr 30, 2018 10:13 am

It sounds like she had a rubbish past and I would have said give her the benefit of the doubt but after seeing your most recent post in that she was sending messages to other men then I have to admit it makes me think she is not very trustworthy.

I think your right to focus on your daughter and your future and leave her to get on with her life.

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Re: Girl with a really bad past, can I trust her...

Post by Looking for love :( » Tue May 01, 2018 8:10 pm

Like the first person who replied me (David) said, she was ok up until she was the one being insecure and giving me hard times literally every day. I had to be the person constantly lifting her up and giving her compliments. As soon as I started to be more argumentative and telling her that she’s too negative, she felt “unwanted”. And she was back to her old tricks...
It is a shame, but I can’t say that I didn’t feel that coming. And yes, people from different cultures might be different and it makes whole relationship a bit trickier than being with someone from your own background but I don’t think this was the case. Its more of what kind of a character this person has. Hers was very weak and as time passed cracks were showing more and more.
It is heartbreaking to experience that situation again, but at least I saved myself before we decided to move closer to each other, or even planned anything more serious...

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