family causing issues.

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family causing issues.

Postby saramidnite » Sun Mar 04, 2018 2:20 am

hi

ok i not sure if to put this in this group topic or family.
me and my boyfriend have been together over 9 years. i love him. i wouldnt change anything. i am very happy. i am currently visiting family. yes i will admit my boyfriend is not my normal type. but i do believe that you can fall in love with some one who is not your normal type.

but my mum was making comments about it. and i feel afended. just because i do have a type dont make my relationship any less real. i love my boyfriend. we live together and are very happy. i cant wait to go back home to see him. i dont keep secrets from him. but how do i tell him my mum is saying my relationship is fake. she says she is not. but she did.

i very angry by this. i am visiting my nan for her birthday. my mum is also staying but she constantly arguing over everything with every one. i cant cope. i have managed to ignore most of it. but now she is slating my relationship ive had enough.

i wish i could fly home but have to stay till thrusday.
plus she said she couldnt date some one unless there is something there. we did have a connection when we first met. we fell in love with each other before we dated. he is my best friend and sole mate.

my mum argues all the time and dont care who she afends and told me so. she landed at my nans and with in an 1hours she was arguing with my sister. ive tried to clam her down and this is what i get for my troble and lying about me to people.

im just so angry right now.

sorry for my rant. thank you for taking the time to read this.
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Re: family causing issues.

Postby stephie2 » Mon Mar 05, 2018 3:40 pm

I think that you are going to have to bite the bullet and tell your mum to mind her own business!

This is your relationship and has nothing to do with anyone else. Nor does anyone have the right to tell you how to live your life and who to love etc. You should be honest with your partner and tell him that your mum is an interfering busy body and that you have told her to butt out!

What she is doing is nothing short of bullying!
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Re: family causing issues.

Postby saramidnite » Mon Mar 05, 2018 7:15 pm

thank you for your advice. my sister and nan told her to back off today. she was lying today about me when i visited my other grandparents. i found out when i got back. i was very upset. to the point i cried. but my nan (her mum) pulled her up on it as she knew she lied. she stormed out of the flat. i will have to tell my boyfriend when i fly home. but i will do what you advised. he does like her as she was very ungrateful for all the money we spend on her when she stayed with us for a week. it was a fair amount so i understand why he is anoyed
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Re: family causing issues.

Postby stephie2 » Tue Mar 06, 2018 9:32 am

I have to say she doesn't sound a very nice person and seems very ungrateful for everyone's efforts. I would put some space in between you and just concentrate on the people that bother with you and are kind.
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Re: family causing issues.

Postby reckoner » Tue Mar 06, 2018 11:31 am

Sara, I'm glad to hear you got some support from the rest of your family.

I wasn't sure from your first post if this was a misunderstanding with your mother and that she didn't mean to upset you, because you didn't provide much detail about what she actually said.

One of her comments you mention was about your partner not being your normal type. In itself, without knowing exactly what words were used, tone of voice, context and so on, I don't understand what was offensive about that, especially if you also agree that it's true. I wasn't clear on whether she actually called your relationship fake or if you interpreted that from her comment.

I'm not saying that she wasn't being offensive, just that it wasn't clear, and I think in families, people can upset each other very easily both intentionally and unintentionally. It seems clearer from your second post that your mum is quite a difficult character if the rest of your family agree and want to back you up. While you must be very angry with her, it's great you have that support from your nan.

My personal view, as a general comment, is that families are quite often an absolute nightmare to deal with. They know you better than anyone but not half as well as they think they do, so they are always coming out with insensitive, inconsiderate or downright offensive remarks. If other family members have supported you, I think you have to try to place greater importance on that than on the stress your mother caused.

As far as your partner goes, I don't see what benefit there is to spreading the bad feeling with him. For me, it's not a question of being dishonest with him, but of protecting him from unpleasantness as much as you can. Your mother isn't going anywhere, neither is your partner. So I think you have to reduce the opportunity for conflict whenever you can.

You can address it briefly, as Stephie suggested. If he asks how it went or how your mother is, you can say: "She was a terrible pain as usual" and leave it at that. Take a 'nothing for you to worry about honey' approach. If your mother is mean and unpleasant, I think that's probably the nicest thing you can do for him.
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Re: family causing issues.

Postby snail » Tue Mar 06, 2018 1:48 pm

reckoner wrote:As far as your partner goes, I don't see what benefit there is to spreading the bad feeling with him. For me, it's not a question of being dishonest with him, but of protecting him from unpleasantness as much as you can. Your mother isn't going anywhere, neither is your partner. So I think you have to reduce the opportunity for conflict whenever you can.

You can address it briefly, as Stephie suggested. If he asks how it went or how your mother is, you can say: "She was a terrible pain as usual" and leave it at that.


I completely agree; I thought this as soon as I read your first post. I'm sure your partner knows what your mother is like by now - I seem to remember she's said some pretty terrible things about other things to you as well, and been generally horrible. I don't think this is particularly significant so I don't see the need to mention it to him.
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