Page 1 of 1

Drinking Dilemma

Posted: Thu Mar 08, 2018 9:50 am
by stephie2
Well I am usually the one dishing out the advice but today I am asking for some!

I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years. He is a really caring, kind bloke and is very thoughtful on most things. I have just one issue. When we go out with friends he cannot handle his drink and gets so drunk that he ruins the whole night for me. We went to my brothers house at Xmas and I was unwell with bronchitis and a chest infection. This made it so that I didn't drink. Well we went out and had a good night (not too drunk) then went back to my brothers where we were staying. He continued drinking much to my annoyance and asking him to stop drinking. Anyway he got that drunk he slept on the lounge floor, was sick on my brothers feet and the rug (brother thought this was funny) then ended up wetting himself! I was mortified although all the others thought it was funny. Boyfriend was embarrassed but didn't seem to think it was anything major. I ended up driving the 2 hours home despite not feeling well because he was too over the limit.

Anyway another night out recently with friends in Whitby and we go out drinking mid afternoon. By 9pm he throws up on the table in the pub and I have to take him back to the hotel and put him to bed. I sit there watching tv full blast whilst he is snoring at 10pm feeling annoyed that we are here again (friends again think its funny that he is a lightweight).

Now it is getting to the stage where I don't want to go out with him drinking because its embarrassing and I am fed up with it. Tried to talk to him about it and he just agrees its not on and that he wont drink a lot or just gets arsy with me for "nagging".

Struggling to see a solution really .............

Re: Drinking Dilemma

Posted: Thu Mar 08, 2018 6:07 pm
by boulding
This is hard on you. It seems that family and friends are making light of this to save your feelings but this is no laughing matter. This is a serious alcohol problem and you need to try to persuade him to make an appointment with his GP and get help. This will not be easy as undoubtedly he is in denial and will get defensive. You need to emphasise your concerns for his health and how much you care about him.

You could share your concerns with family and friends and ask for their cooperation. Ask them not to offer alcohol when you visit or at least limit it to a few beers. Similarly when you go out suggest including going for dinner or catching a movie. This might cut down drinking time.

It might be useful to look back and try to work out when the problem started. Was it triggered by stresses in another part of his life such as work?

Alcohol, as in a few glasses of wine, can be a very enjoyable part of life but clearly he has a problem controlling his intake and his behaviour. Try contacting AA or some other organisation and get as much information about alcohol dependence as you can.

Unfortunately attempts to talk to him might be seen as nagging so don’t be angry, judgemental or upset just make sure he knows he’s a valuable part of your life.

Re: Drinking Dilemma

Posted: Thu Mar 08, 2018 6:29 pm
by Tucco
Hi there,
I have a slightly different view, if you are saying he is drinking every day and is unable to stop or control the drinking then yes seek help from your GP or AA. However if I am understanding your post correctly then the problem is when you are out socially then he just goes too far and does not know when to stop?
From my experience some people just dont feel the gradual effect with alcohol, so for me after a couple of pints I can feel the effect and know when to slow down or stop, but others are not like this. Rather than a gradual effect it is almost like a switch, what I mean is they feel perfectly fine one moment and absolutely drunk the next.
It is also possible that your partner may be drinking a little more because he is shy or nervous?
The only suggestion I can make is to talk before you are next out socially amd remind him of what has happened recently, then if he goes too far use your phone to record his behaviour which you could replay to him the next day. If he can see how bad he was that may make him realise.
The rest is he just has to live and learn I am afraid.

Re: Drinking Dilemma

Posted: Fri Mar 09, 2018 8:35 am
by stephie2
Great advice and thank you for both of your posts.

I don't think he has a problem with drink as we do not drink in the house and it is just when we go out socially. We might not go out for weeks and hence he doesn't have a drink but when we go out socially that is when he drinks to excess and just turns into an idiot and shows me up. He knows the people that we go out with and is not a shy person so he cannot even blame that really. I recorded him when he was rolling all over the floor at my brothers house and he just shook his head. I don't think he was really happy that I recorded it but I wanted him to see what state he was in and how embarrassing this was but he didn't seem that bothered. It is really difficult not to be annoyed with him when it ruins my night too.

Re: Drinking Dilemma

Posted: Fri Mar 09, 2018 11:01 am
by Tarantula
Show him this thread. If he can see that this is really upsetting you, to the point where you write online about it, maybe it'll make him wake up and realise that overcompensating with alcohol is not cool, manly, spontaneous or exciting. It's just lame.

He is overcompensating for something, whether it's nerves, seeking approval, wanting to show off how 'fun' he is etc.

Re: Drinking Dilemma

Posted: Fri Mar 09, 2018 11:03 am
by Tarantula
Also he may think it's just you and your problem with you 'nagging' him etc-

but you're the only one saying what everyone else is thinking. And you're the only one being real with him about it because you're close to him. The others will just laugh along and talk about it behind his back.

It hasn't gone unnoticed and he needs to realise that.

Re: Drinking Dilemma

Posted: Fri Mar 09, 2018 12:35 pm
by stephie2
I have told him that if this carries on then he can sausage well stay at home as I am not prepared to keep having my nights out ruined and being embarrassed in front of my friends. I will stick to my guns on this one and if he does it on the next night out I will definitely make him stay home the following time by telling him he is not wanted there.

I know I am going to have to start to be harsh with him. I could even go as far as talking to his mother because she would hit the roof that he gets in that state but that might be a tad cruel :wink:

Re: Drinking Dilemma

Posted: Fri Mar 09, 2018 7:13 pm
by Tarantula
Haha nice to know you have many options at your disposal

Re: Drinking Dilemma

Posted: Sat Mar 10, 2018 7:30 am
by David020549
Stephie, you wouldn't really press the nuclear bottom and tell his mother, or would you!. Seriously, it may be your last resort, mother in laws do have their uses not just free baby sitters. When you go to a party his mates will know that he gets "messy" and deliberately encourage him, even spike his drinks to provide entertainment, it's their idea of fun but you don't have to stand by and watch it happen.

You will no doubt want to socialise with the girls but after the first hour go and join him and make sure he is sober, if he is going over the top insist on going home early, don't be afraid to cause a scene if you need to. On the other hand there are exceptional circumstances where getting drunk is accepted.

At a family wedding last year all was going fine until 2 Polish friends arrived with a case of Vodka and all the men started drinking Vodka chasers, within an hour they were all rolling on the floor, the women just stood back and laughed at them, some left them until next morning. No recriminations that I heard of, the Poles got the blame and the hangovers still have not been forgotten.

Re: Drinking Dilemma

Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2018 8:40 am
by stephie2
It depends David if it continues to get out of hand. He cares about what his mother thinks and I know he would be mortified if she knew!

This is mainly when we socialise in couples. There is no encouragement or pressure to drink as it is my friends and their partners who we all get on fine with and no one puts pressure on anyone else to drink so he cant even use that as an excuse.