Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

For problems with girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, wives, lovers and leavers!
Forum rules
NEW USERS HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEIR FIRST POSTS TO BE APPROVED BY AN ADMINISTRATOR. Rules | Essential Information | FAQ | Support | Twitter

Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby rdlk72 » Mon Jun 25, 2018 9:03 am

Thankyou for all that.
She keeps trying to contact me but i've not responded.
I am devastated because the good sides of her, the humour, the fun we had, are gone forever.
But I know in my heart that i can never allow her back due to her behaviour. I am scared of her now, considering what she did to the car as you say she could do anything, including attacking me.
rdlk72
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 21
Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2018 11:27 am
Gender: Male

Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby Tarantula » Mon Jun 25, 2018 9:37 am

All that mmmm.

Good, don't respond.

It's raw now, but over time, you'll come to realise that it wasn't a loss. It was a gain. Now you have your freedom and autonomy back, and there's no risk of financial meltdown. You can go on those holidays you mentioned, and look at making that career move. You get to stay in a house you like.

There are women out there who, get this, are fun, but DON'T trash your belongings when you refuse to pay.

I know, I know. Reach for the stars much. But I promise you that such women exist, and are actually in the majority.
User avatar
Tarantula
Permanent Fixture
Permanent Fixture
 
Posts: 1010
Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2007 7:37 pm

Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby rdlk72 » Mon Jun 25, 2018 12:13 pm

I do have friends, and they are fully aware of her behaviour. They have said the same as you. I have told my family some of it, but don't want to worry them. I have had a long conversation with her nephew, who lives with her, and he has said i shouldn't marry her as it is already making me unhappy there is no point. In fact he said her dad didn't want her to marry anyone because he knew what she was like - she used the manipulation on him to get money out of him. It's a shame she has this terrible facet to her personality.
rdlk72
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 21
Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2018 11:27 am
Gender: Male

Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby Tarantula » Mon Jun 25, 2018 1:17 pm

She definitely is a piece of work. You're well shot of her.

But you've said things like, you won't give another relationship a try. That's the damage right there. Because then, it's not just this relationship anymore, the impact affects your future too. That's the real shame, and that's why I say, you need lots of support to move on from this damaging event.
User avatar
Tarantula
Permanent Fixture
Permanent Fixture
 
Posts: 1010
Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2007 7:37 pm

Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby rdlk72 » Mon Jun 25, 2018 7:46 pm

I'm still getting lots of abusive emails and texts from her though she's not yet tried to call again.

Earlier today she emailed the mortgage adviser and told him to cancel it because i'd said to her that because i was paying the house deposit it would be in my name until after the wedding. He replied back saying a different option was "tennants in common" which is something i'd also mentioned to her, where there's a legal document stating who paid what for the house.

I replied back saying thanks and that was a good option i'd go along with (not that i would now, but just to test the reaction). She replied back (to me only) with many rude and abusive emails, calling me a liar, insulting my family, my sister and me. So clearly it was about the money, not about having a nice place to live.
rdlk72
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 21
Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2018 11:27 am
Gender: Male

Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby Tarantula » Mon Jun 25, 2018 9:24 pm

And how did it feel for you, to finally realise that? I mean it was obvious to the rest of us, but there should nothing like having the realisation for yourself.

Please, there’s no point to argue with her or respond to her in any way. It will only fuel her fire.

Aside from one last message saying ‘stop contacting me, I’m moving on now.’ If you want to.

She’ll try any tactic now to get you to engage.
User avatar
Tarantula
Permanent Fixture
Permanent Fixture
 
Posts: 1010
Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2007 7:37 pm

Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby Tarantula » Mon Jun 25, 2018 9:27 pm

Another option is to pass on all her abusive emails and texts to a trusted friend of yours to respond on your behalf. Once she realises that you’ve got people backing you up, and that you’re no longer the isolated zebra at the back of the pack (which was part of your appeal to her in the first place - that you were vulnerable), she’ll back off.

Of course that’s assuming you want her to back off.
User avatar
Tarantula
Permanent Fixture
Permanent Fixture
 
Posts: 1010
Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2007 7:37 pm

Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby snail » Mon Jun 25, 2018 9:40 pm

I wouldn't engage with her in any way at all if I were you - it's just wasted energy and delays the time when you begin to feel better.

I had a similar thing happen to me - if you're the sort of person that is conscientious, committed, prone to self-doubt/low self-esteem, and has a sincere desire for a serious relationship, you're susceptible to these kinds of people, especially if (as Tarantula said) you have little lived experience of relationships. You will always try to see the other person's point of view and wonder if you're being reasonable, and they use that to make you always feel in the wrong, to keep you on the back foot. Like you, money and a nice place to live seemed to be a major driver in my partner's behaviour - I think a lot of it does, consciously or not, come down to these basic motives. I think on some level my partner convinced himself he was entitled to my savings and wages - somewhere in his mind he thought that by rights, everything good that anyone had should be his. And yet (like your partner) he shouldn't have to work for it himself - someone else should do the work and then give it to him.

One thing I will say is that it never happens to you again - you will now be able to spot the signs a mile off, truly.

Oh, and with regard to the house, it might be useful to know that I am currently in the same position as you and her were, with my current partner. We are having a legal agreement that the house will remain his as he has put up the money. I didn't have the slightest problem with this - no reasonable (or loving) person would do.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

Najwa Zebian
User avatar
snail
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 4481
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2007 8:59 pm
Location: Your guess is as good as mine.
Gender: Female

Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby rdlk72 » Tue Jun 26, 2018 9:30 am

Thankyou. Of course it has been a terrible realisation. I am signed off from work for two weeks but I have no idea how long it will take me to recover from this.

I was just reading something on a news site about the "dark triad" - narcissism, psyschopathy and machiavellianism. This seems to be exactly what my partner had. Lack of empathy, manipulation and exploitation of others, focus on self interest and deception, impulsivity, callousness and remorselessness.
rdlk72
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 21
Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2018 11:27 am
Gender: Male

Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby Tarantula » Tue Jun 26, 2018 10:26 am

It depends what you mean by recovery, and it depends on so many other things as well: how helpful your support network is, how much you read and educate yourself about this topic (dark triad - good start), whether you speak to people with similar experiences who have come out the other side... and also whether you take care of the basics: eating well, exercise, getting enough rest. This ordeal hasn't just been mentally exhausting - there's a physical toll as well.

I just want to say a massive WELL DONE for getting out. That must have been hard. It's extremely difficult to draw a line once and for all and stick to it.

Over time, you'll re-visit so many situations and arguments you had, but with a new perspective, and you'll slowly begin to peel away at all the excuses you made for her, and all the times you questioned yourself, and you'll see.... it wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could have done. You didn't cause it. You can't cure it.

You should take proper good care of yourself now. Go to sauna. Do a meditation class. Do something fun. Organise something with friends. All of that.
User avatar
Tarantula
Permanent Fixture
Permanent Fixture
 
Posts: 1010
Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2007 7:37 pm

Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby Tarantula » Tue Jun 26, 2018 10:28 am

By the way, book recommendation: Boomerang Love - getting unhooked from abusive borderline relationships. It's very very good. Here:

https://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Free-Bo ... 0976060035
User avatar
Tarantula
Permanent Fixture
Permanent Fixture
 
Posts: 1010
Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2007 7:37 pm

Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby reckoner » Tue Jun 26, 2018 10:30 am

It would be reasonable to expect that the best day of your life would be a pleasant experience, but sometimes they're not and are in fact a nightmare to go through, and this is one of those examples. Once the burn scars have healed, I'm sure you'll be able to appreciate much better the narrow escape you've just achieved.

My partner had two instances of partners going psycho when he decided to end things. He still has the metal water bottle one of them smashed on her head so hard she could now wear it as a hat if she wanted. I, on the other hand, have never experienced anything like this. As I agonised over how to split up with someone who was a good person and about 85% right for me, I'd have given anything to have a partner who made the decision as easy as this woman is doing for you.

The lesson here is not that all relationships are bad news, but that you should be very careful about getting into them. I think people who are actively looking for a relationship are in a very vulnerable position because they're looking for something that might just not be there. Don't do it until someone comes along whose company feels so good that they effectively give you no choice but to see what happens. As snail said, you know what red flags to look for. You're armed with knowledge and experience. The bad experiences are just as valuable as the good ones. Maybe more so.

But now is not the time for thinking about partners and relationships, or perhaps anything to do with the future at all. For these two weeks off, I suggest you lick your wounds and indulge in all the things your partner would have disapproved of, and try to get your head round the fact that this is, in fact, one of the best and most important periods of your life, and how fantastically well you have done to turn this problem away from the present and into the past.
reckoner
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 695
Joined: Thu Sep 04, 2008 11:20 am

Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby rdlk72 » Tue Jun 26, 2018 1:49 pm

She contacted me today and was all apologetic, and said if we bought the house she would accept it would be in my name, and she will go to counselling to work on the relationship.

On the other hand a few minutes before that she said she had accepted the relationship was over and and was over me, and hates me.

The she said she is a crazy mad woman. Which is clearly true.

Maybe i should have just blocked her as she's messing with my mind again.
rdlk72
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 21
Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2018 11:27 am
Gender: Male

Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby Tarantula » Tue Jun 26, 2018 7:14 pm

Well yes. Precisely that. Do it now, if you haven't already. I did say, don't give her the opportunity to wear down your resolve.

I'm mindful that you wrote that earlier today. What's the situation now? If you've had a relapse, don't keep it to yourself. Tell us and maybe we can get you back on the straight and narrow.

Dude this is your life. And it's slipping away even more if you allow her to worm her way back. Remember the car keying, the smashing stuff up, the cruel worlds, the hatefulness, the embarrassment, the very real risk of this escalating into physical violence.
User avatar
Tarantula
Permanent Fixture
Permanent Fixture
 
Posts: 1010
Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2007 7:37 pm

Re: Advice re marriage to controlling partner.

Postby Tarantula » Tue Jun 26, 2018 7:15 pm

Nothing is ever absolute. Let her go away for a good year or so, get herself into counselling, at least make an honest effort to sort herself out and then come back to you. If change is possible, then that's the way it's gonna happen.

You know that if you just cave now, nothing will change.
User avatar
Tarantula
Permanent Fixture
Permanent Fixture
 
Posts: 1010
Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2007 7:37 pm

PreviousNext

Return to Girlfriends & Boyfriends - Husbands & Wives

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 7 guests

cron