Heart or Head

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Heart or Head

Postby Mrconfused74 » Wed Jul 25, 2018 8:32 pm

So I find myself at a crossroads, and wonder do i go with my heart or my head?
Brief background I met a woman while she was in an unhappy marriage, we grew very close but she told me she needed to try to save her marriage for the sake of her kids. And while she tried he didn’t. And so she made the choice to separate, things have gone slowly and we are now in a point where we can start dating as a couple. I do love her, she makes me so happy when we see each other and I’d miss her drastically if she ever left. But we live over an hour apart, neither can relocate, presently and I get the feeling she wouldn’t anyway.
So at work there is a woman, now in the office we have banter it’s me and 5 ladies that work together so it can get flirty, no harm on anyone’s part( although I know some will say there are boundaries) now this lady has made it clear she would be open to a relationship, however she doesn’t know I’m kind of seeing someone else. This lady is lovely, lives nearby, pretty and would be a wonderful loving caring parttner. She is older than me not much I’m mid 40’s the other lady is younger in her 30’s. So what do you do? Take a risk in love and hope the distance isn’t a issue, and we can eventually move in together, or whilst I don’t live this othermwoman is attractive and I guess I haven’t got to know her well enough to fall in love.
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Re: Heart or Head

Postby reckoner » Fri Jul 27, 2018 1:40 pm

I can't say I'm easily persuaded by either of these options.

With the first woman, I can see how relocation would be difficult for her - kids in tow (or is there more to it?). So what about you - would you consider a move at any point in the future? You'd also be taking on her kids. Is that something you would be happy to do when it came to it? What about having kids of your own with her - what are your respective views on this? If you have positive answers to all these questions then maybe your love for her can go the distance. But there are lots of things to consider.

With the second woman, using your own phrasing, your heart just doesn't seem to be in it. From what you say, it's simply a more convenient option, but I don't personally have much faith in the 'maybe I'll grow to love her' suggestion. That just sounds to me like trying to talk yourself into it. Any relationship takes a great deal of effort to sustain and this sounds like a shaky foundation.

The structure of your post suggests there are just two options but of course there are many more than that. There are just two known options. Finding the right person takes patience. Limiting your options to the ones available to you right now suggests impatience - another shaky foundation.

Of these two options, the first woman seems to have won more of your heart. But I think you have to consider if it's enough to answer all the necessary questions.
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Re: Heart or Head

Postby reckoner » Fri Jul 27, 2018 1:58 pm

Furthermore, that you are even considering the second woman suggests to me that your love for the first woman is rather limited - too limited to withstand all those questions.
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Re: Heart or Head

Postby Mrconfused74 » Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:06 pm

Thanks for the response, with the First Lady, it’s been pretty intense, both out of marriages and with kids, which is one reason it’s be hard to relocate, I guess part of me thinks her moving would be easier as her kids are younger and could settle quite easily, mine being older wouldn’t move and I’d lose the contact I have with them. I honestly don’t think she would move although she said she would in the future, I do wonder if that’s true. We don’t have any interest in kids of our own due to our ages, so that’s one thing we agree on. She’s said a few times she’d always be there for me, sometimes I feel that she wants to stay where she is and see me when we can, more FWB than actual partners. Perhaps as time moves on one or both of us will decide something needs to change if it’s ever going to be more than that. We do care about each other, sometimes I feel I do more than her. She says she’s never been so happy but won’t discuss a future, instead wanting to take things a day at a time, and just let things happen.
Part of me thinks that having married so young she will want to enjoy being single for a time, and so that distance gives her that opportunity.
As I said the second lady is everything you’d look for in a person, and perhaps I’m not seeing what could be because of the first. She’s also openly said she isn’t looking to live with someone again, having had some bad experiences in the past and to be honest neither am I. It’s almost like she wants a companion. Which I totally get having been with someone so many years it’s hard to think that it’ll be different with someone new, so perhaps that companionship is better than a relationship with a label. I don’t know, which is why I asked here, is it possible to have a romantic/ sexual relationship with a person without the need to label it as a relationship?? It really feels like with both I’m someone that could make them happy and give them what they want, without having to commit to anything..
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Re: Heart or Head

Postby Tarantula » Mon Aug 13, 2018 1:27 pm

You would be committing to something - you would be committing to making them happy and giving them what they want. One way or another, that would probably end up meaning a relationship. And what's wrong with that?

I agree with reckoner, though, this isn't head vs heart.... this is a bit of interest here vs a bit of interest there.

If things were really poppin' with either of these women, you wouldn't need to ask, you would want to commit and it'd be fairly straightforward. So I sense that you're coasting along whilst perhaps a part of you wonders if there's an even better third option, somewhere out there in the ether.
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